tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82463336807552321282024-03-13T14:36:19.580-07:00Intuitive Eating JournalUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-54976485136807687302013-03-21T09:23:00.001-07:002013-03-21T09:23:12.738-07:00Emotional ToleranceMy emotional eating has been out of control in the last few weeks. <br />
<br />
I have been very anxious about work changes for me and my husband, and the unknowns that go along with that. I have also been very sleep deprived from my dear daughter not sleeping well, and my seasonal allergies have been wreaking havoc. All in all, I've felt pretty pathetic and like a bottomless pit for food. I actually ended up with a stomachache last night from eating too many sweets. I think that was the wake up call.<br />
<br />
This is not my first time on this carousel. Around and around we go! I know that eating my feelings does not work. The feeling is still there and a healthy dose of guilt is added in.<br />
<br />
But why can't I tolerate my own feelings? Why are they so scary and unbearable? <br />
<br />
As a child, I was not allowed to be overly emotional. Causing any kind of a scene was severely frowned upon. I needed to "snap out of it" when I was depressed. As a teenager, I learned the comforting value of food and the "effectiveness" of dieting to drop extra weight. <br />
<br />
Around and around we go.<br />
<br />
As an adult, I now know that feelings are normal and okay, even the ones that seem more unpleasant. Eating when I'm not hungry doesn't feel good and doesn't make the feelings any less. It seems so simple to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full but it's amazing how daunting it seems. <br />
<br />
I know I have gotten away from eating intuitively, instead just wanting to be mindless and not think about it and feel "normal". But I'm in recovery from an eating disorder. I may never be "normal" and I need to pay attention to my body and my emotions in order to take care of them both. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-66379546931305475112013-03-05T11:12:00.001-08:002013-03-05T11:12:07.731-08:00I'll be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness.....she's Fergalicious!<br />
<br />
Sorry, couldn't help myself.<br />
<br />
I have been doing a decent amount of research lately on workouts. What is best for what goals, what's more effective, that kind of thing. I have had to be careful to avoid too much of the diet talk that abounds on many fitness sites (the diet advice is as varied as the fitness advice, just so you know). Here are a couple things I have learned in my internet sojourn:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Setting goals can be good. I have found myself a little adrift in my workouts, totally unsure what to do or when and wondering if I'm even making any improvements in my health, strength, or endurance. I think having a goal to work toward can be useful to keep on track and also provide a sense of accomplishment. I totally think this is a double-edged sword so I think it's important to not put too much pressure on oneself.</li>
<li>The most effective workout is......the one that you'll do. Cardio, weights, yoga, Pilates, HIIT, endurance, dance, whatever. If you like it and will do it, go for it. You don't even have to do the same thing regularly. I think joyful movement that gets your body going is what's important. </li>
</ol>
For me, exercise is a huge stress reliever. It keeps the ED demons at bay and makes me feel less guilty about what I eat. However, I do tend to overanalyze so it was helpful for me to understand that any exercise can be good and productive and that being consistent in my efforts is really what counts.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-8396127944106018032013-02-13T14:50:00.001-08:002013-02-13T14:50:06.741-08:00Doing for others.I am a very introverted person. I am somewhat awkward in social situations. I think when you are more inward-directed, it's easy to focus too much on yourself, whether it be overanalyzing, nitpicking, or over-thinking situations or characteristics of yourself. <br />
<br />
I am also not the most patient or tolerant person. I am easily irritated by others and don't always take my own advice, which is "seek to understand before being understood". To combat this, I have made a concerted effort to just <em>be nice</em>, even to people I don't like or who I think are rude.<br />
<br />
It's amazing how much better I feel. <br />
<br />
Having a pleasant interaction as opposed to a tense one. Not worrying about being right. A little gesture of kindness. <br />
<br />
I am certainly not advocating being a doormat but, for me, trying a little harder to be more positive, friendly, and kind has helped shift my focus outward and in a more positive direction.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-407704009778176422013-02-12T10:58:00.000-08:002013-02-12T10:58:04.469-08:00Emotional health: BoundariesContinuing with my Healthy and Strong theme, I want to talk about emotional health.<br />
<br />
I think our emotional health is easy to dismiss. We stuff/ignore/invalidate our emotions. We try to pretend everything is fine and then substitute or numb out with food later.<br />
<br />
A particularly tough area for me is healthy boundaries. It is a little embarrassing for me to admit this. I thought I had really good boundaries but I realized a couple of things:<br />
<br />
I am prone to taking on other people's feelings and making decisions for them. For example, my mother-in-law appears tired. Therefore, I assume she is exhausted and unable or unwilling to help care for the baby in the evenings. I overexert myself trying to care for the baby by myself, running myself into the ground in the process. In reality, my mother-in-law was a little tired but totally fine and willing and able to help care for the baby. By making this decision for her, I ruined my night and made for an awkward/tense evening.<br />
<br />
I overpersonalize. Example: my coworker is having a hard day. I ask her to complete an additional task and she snaps at me. Instead of checking in with her and figuring out what the heck is happening, I become defensive and avoidant, assuming she doesn't really like me. Totally rational, right? <br />
<br />
This also leads into another boundary issue, or cognitive distortion: black and white thinking. I either like you or I don't. I have a hard time with gray areas or liking someone in pieces (as opposed to having to like all aspects of their personality in order to accept them). If I think you're mad at me, I shut down and shut you out. I used to think the wall I put up was a good boundary when, sadly, it is just a defense mechanism for mistrust or discomfort that helps no one.<br />
<br />
It's hard to open up. It's hard to feel our feelings and also let others know how we are feeling. It's much easier to eat our feelings or self-abuse in some fashion. I think self exploration can be a really powerful tool towards healing emotional hurts or insecurities and opening up in a safe, comfortable way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-1424442946834677992013-02-11T14:29:00.002-08:002013-02-11T14:29:35.671-08:00"Healthy and Strong"Over the weekend, I realized several things.<br />
<br />
1. I like to eat. I always have liked to eat. I enjoy food and snacking and desserts and fun foods. Dieting makes me <em>very</em> cranky and it makes me sad to watch others restrict and shame themselves over what they eat.<br />
<br />
2. I am not living up to my full potential when it comes to exercising. I admit it, I am a tad on the sedentary side. I love just curling up and reading a book or loafing in bed watching my favorite tv show. Exercise and physical fitness has never been a thing I thought I was good at or really wanted to do. However, I think moving my body and keeping it active and physically strong is very important. To work towards this, I have picked up the <a href="http://www.c25k.com/" target="_blank">Couch to 5K program</a> to start!<br />
<br />
3. I am very focused on being a good role model for my daughter. I don't want her to see me dieting or exercising only for aesthetic purposes. I want her to see me taking care of myself in a moderate, healthy, and vibrant way while still enjoying every bit of life. <br />
<br />
Ergo, my new motto: Healthy and Strong<br />
<br />
Not thin, not lean, not modelesque. Strong.<br />
<br />
I am hopeful that this will give me a good source of motivation and inspiration besides simply my physical appearance and also help me teach her positive body image, intuitive eating (along with a little joyful eating) and enjoying moving her body in a non-punitive way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-7470796832089048972013-02-05T12:25:00.002-08:002013-02-05T12:25:19.072-08:00Conversation with a coworker: body imageCoworker: “I am down to the weight I want to be but I still have this extra bit here and here (grabs hips and thighs). My pants just don’t fit right.”<br />
<br />
Me: “Perhaps you should buy new pants.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-15672123914382486932013-01-31T14:31:00.003-08:002013-01-31T14:31:52.503-08:00Cut it Out."I'm going to cut out sugar."<br />
<br />
"I'm trying to cut out wine."<br />
<br />
"I'm cutting carbs."<br />
<br />
I heard some of these phrases in a conversation between two of my female coworkers today, and it made me sad. I have been guilty of similar behavior, and that also makes me sad.<br />
<br />
Why are we trying to cut up our lives?<br />
<br />
Why must items be erased from them, especially when those items are not necessarily harmful?<br />
(in fairness, if you suffer from alcoholism, you probably shouldn't drink but you know what I'm saying)<br />
<br />
One of the coworkers is one of the thinnest on the hall. She is almost militant about her food intake during the day yet constantly mentions how she still needs to lose 5 pounds. Why is this so important to her? The possible answers, of course, are endless.<br />
<br />
Do you know what I would like to cut out? <br />
<br />The obsession.<br />
The counting.<br />
The restriction.<br />
The self-loathing.<br />
The misery.<br />
<br />
Instead of cutting things out, can't we add?<br />
<br />
Enjoyment<br />
Friendship.<br />
Self-confidence.<br />
Mindfulness.<br />
<br />
I know, some days, it seems easier to subtract than to add. But maybe if we add, we won't need to take anything away from ourselves. We can just...be.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-39697129913507099372013-01-15T13:06:00.002-08:002013-01-15T13:06:37.361-08:00Surrender.Surrender.<br />
<br />
This word has popped up in my vision a lot lately.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.rootsofshe.com/inquiry-and-surrender/" target="_blank">This post</a> at Roots of She really spoke to me.<br />
<br />
I feel like my life is a constant battle. Yes, it sounds cliche but it really is the best description I can muster.<br />
<br />
Fighting for control.<br />
Fighting my weight.<br />
Fighting my body.<br />
Fighting distorted or negative thoughts.<br />
<br />
Why am I always fighting?<br />
<br />
What would happen if I stopped and just gave in?<br />
<br />
What would happen if I just surrendered?<br />
<br />
The idea doesn't strike me as a loss, but as a release.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-73788057165689839612013-01-11T08:45:00.000-08:002013-01-11T08:45:09.200-08:00Eat When You're Hungry.What a simple concept.<br />
<br />
What a difficult concept to put into action!<br />
<br />
Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.<br />
<br />
I am pretty good about the full thing. I know when I'm full most of the time and don't stress too much if I eat a little more or less around fullness. <br />
<br />
Hunger, however, feels like this mysterious goal.<br />
<br />
When am I really hungry? I know the far end of hunger: stomach growling, mild lightheadedness or nausea. But regular old hunger. Hard to pinpoint.<br />
<br />
I think years of dieting and emotional eating have really numbed out this feeling. I eat when I'm bored, tired, or upset. Last night was a perfect example: it was about an hour before I was going to go to bed and I was feeling significantly tired (I couldn't go to bed earlier because of the family schedule of baby-watching; we trade off late nights). I immediately said I was hungry. However, nothing but sweets sounded good and even that was vague, so I sat with the feeling a little while and realized it was really just fatigue and not hunger. I embraced the fatigue and went to bed on time, feeling not the slightest bit hungry.<br />
<br />
I am going to try and really focus on this. I feel like it's simple enough to not be overwhelming but important enough to really home in on.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-88459134025395407272013-01-03T08:58:00.001-08:002013-01-03T08:58:24.165-08:00Guest post!I am honored to be featured on the lovely web site, <a href="http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/" target="_blank">Nourishing the Soul</a>.<br />
<br />
You can find my post <a href="http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2013/01/if-you-really-knew-me-a-therapist-shares/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NourishingTheSoul+%28Nourishing+The+Soul%29" target="_blank">here</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-11095791096594970662012-12-27T10:10:00.002-08:002012-12-27T10:10:58.358-08:00Loving myself in the new year.Most days, I have a hard time loving myself. I do many things that are the opposite of self-love:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>eating or drinking things I know make me feel ill</li>
<li>eating in secret</li>
<li>eating emotionally</li>
<li>eating things I know are emotionally triggering</li>
<li>not moving my body</li>
<li>settling for "good enough" too often</li>
<li>living in fear of what "could be"</li>
<li>living mindlessly and in distraction</li>
<li>berating myself constantly</li>
<li>worry about what I can't control</li>
</ul>
I want to set myself up for a more positive, loving year. In 2013, I hope to:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>eat mindfully (Mindful Eating Marathon, here I come!)</li>
<li>move my body more</li>
<li>be gentle with myself</li>
<li>sit with and honor my feelings instead of running from them</li>
</ul>
I am not one for resolutions but I think it's good to plan ahead a bit, especially when it comes to taking good care of myself!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-6614843477029594012012-12-18T07:21:00.000-08:002012-12-18T07:21:00.931-08:00ProgressLast night, I had two interesting realizations regarding my healing process.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>At night, I sometimes crave fruit for dessert. However, I have a hard time eating it because it triggers diet thoughts in my head, like it's what I'm "supposed" to be eating. A lot of the times, I choose another snack instead but I understand it's a good sign I am having the cravings and working towards honoring them more fully. I know I need to be in a place where I can eat whatever, whenever I want it (including "healthier" foods) and I don't think I'm there yet.</li>
<li>I don't eat enough at meals. This goes right along with my restrictive tendencies. I also like to snack a lot and I feel like I hold back at meals in order to be able to snack later. This is not honoring my hunger. I am going to work on making sure to pack larger breakfasts and lunches for work as I struggle more when I have to plan my meals ahead.</li>
</ol>
It made me feel good to realize these things. I know I am not done but I am making what feels like good, natural progress.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-395491662174912772012-12-13T10:20:00.003-08:002012-12-13T10:20:47.342-08:00MindfulnessI saw this quote today on the lovely <a href="http://geneenroth.com/" target="_blank">Geneen Roth's</a> Facebook page. I really think it is worth remembering and wanted to share it.<br />
<br />
<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><div>
<span class="userContent"><span style="font-size: small;">If you really tasted the food that was in your mouth--really, truly tasted it--you could not overeat. There would be a feast in each bite. Just so, if you really saw the person in front of you, the sky above you, the teacup in front of you, you would be knocked over by the beauty. You would feel, in each step, with each bite, that the purpose of being alive was unfolding in you--and you would know that that was all you ever wanted.</span></span></div>
</span></h5>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-64102708848884526302012-12-11T13:51:00.000-08:002012-12-11T13:51:18.279-08:00Exercise and body awarenessI have not been particularly active lately. As in, I've gone to the gym twice in the last two weeks or so. In fairness to me, I have been "active": running after my child, cleaning, decorating, etc. Just not formally exercising.<br />
<br />
And I've been happier.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, when I don't exercise, I get a little crazy, feel "fat" and just plain antsy. I have a sedentary job so that doesn't help either. I have been so busy recently that I haven't had time to even think about working out. <br />
<br />
As things have calmed down in the last few days, I have realized I "should" go to the gym (first warning flag, I suppose). Actually, now that I think about it, I did go for a walk outside with coworkers a few times which technically is exercising but I guess I counted it more as socializing! Hmm, maybe I should give myself some credit for being more active than I think.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, I did go to the gym today. I found myself worrying about what exercises I should do or what would be the most effective activity. I felt like I couldn't leave until I had worked enough muscle groups and then wasn't sure I still did enough.<br />
<br />
Maybe the gym isn't the place for me? Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and not just enjoying the physical movement?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-13228630591259919492012-12-06T11:35:00.001-08:002012-12-06T11:35:04.870-08:00Kindness.I love Christmas.<br />
<br />
I love the pretty lights, presents, festive music, and the whole goodwill toward men.<br />
<br />
That last one can get a little sticky though. <br />
<br />
Bad traffic, long lines at the mall, covering for coworkers, overall holiday stress.<br />
<br />
However, I think Christmas is still a strong reminder to be kind to others. <br />
<br />
It is extremely easy to get in a rut of negativity, ugliness, and pettiness.<br />
<br />
This month, I am going to try to make an extra effort to be nice to others and also not gossip. Sometimes, gossiping is worse than saying something directly ugly. Negative emotions are painfully contagious.<br />
<br />
I will also make an effort to be extra kind to me. Can't spread the love if I'm not feeling it, right?<br />
<br />
Gentle, kind, and peaceful. <br />
<br />
Happy December. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-17830036556399262012-12-05T14:01:00.001-08:002012-12-05T14:01:30.488-08:00Speaking of mindful eating...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOQq-ckeK1wdCU75WGlILaA6KDjolbmutVPaRCoz8B_sLNXnuP8Qe7PUYGDqWQT0kPkDJUndcq5QyaLMgs9DLm37b6lnWQ6u8tVEnIL4qvZdPp06edCUx9TByvUB83zNd588Hs4dCerg0/s1600/pear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOQq-ckeK1wdCU75WGlILaA6KDjolbmutVPaRCoz8B_sLNXnuP8Qe7PUYGDqWQT0kPkDJUndcq5QyaLMgs9DLm37b6lnWQ6u8tVEnIL4qvZdPp06edCUx9TByvUB83zNd588Hs4dCerg0/s320/pear.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Can we just talk about this pear for a minute?<br />
<br />
Now, I am not normally a big pear fan but I bought a couple just for a little fruit variety. This poor dear has been sitting in my lunch bag for about a week. <em>And it was the best pear ever.</em> Soft, juicy, and sweet.<br />
<br />
So, if you want a good pear, toss it in a corner for a few days and then it will be delicious! :-)<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-48570440206097866272012-12-05T13:32:00.000-08:002012-12-05T13:32:03.877-08:00Mindful Eating Marathon<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnR5-6HvpL6OmgTwUdbd3waFfHKuESCHVseh4v3ZE_mKhJH9dD2WCsjCJ0E3G6ND2Fhpm-PKrYO_pptvARL0nVBKsD6t01pgPOyPcNcRqBOLr_q3e7MVdInaHA91FaYPyt0dYFNkkJIVbv/s1600/eating.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" nea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnR5-6HvpL6OmgTwUdbd3waFfHKuESCHVseh4v3ZE_mKhJH9dD2WCsjCJ0E3G6ND2Fhpm-PKrYO_pptvARL0nVBKsD6t01pgPOyPcNcRqBOLr_q3e7MVdInaHA91FaYPyt0dYFNkkJIVbv/s320/eating.bmp" width="320" /></a></div>
This is the kind of marathon I can get behind! Go to <a href="http://eatingmindfully.com/mindful-eating-marathon/" target="_blank">Susan Albers'</a> blog for more information and sign up if you'd like.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-2209148914962103682012-12-04T09:01:00.003-08:002012-12-04T09:01:28.578-08:00Fear of changeImagine for a moment that your life was different.<br />
<br />
That you were different.<br />
<br />
Braver. Stronger. Happier. Freer.<br />
<br />
How does that make you feel?<br />
<br />
For me, it is terrifying.<br />
<br />
Why is that?<br />
<br />
Even if it would be a positive change, the thought of even improving myself sends me to a scary place. The unknown is uncomfortable and my discomfort tolerance is almost non-existent. This is a little bit frustrating. I have even noticed that I have a hard time sitting with even mild hunger as a level of discomfort. <br />
<br />
I want to be healthier. I want to be free of disordered eating and distorted thoughts and body image. <br />
<br />
But this takes me out of my comfort zone.<br />
<br />
How do you explore beyond your comfort zone? How do you tolerate the anxiety and fear?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-45138613469111692102012-11-29T14:46:00.003-08:002012-11-29T14:47:02.136-08:00Processing a mini-binge<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">You might not even call it that. I ate two candy bars, big whoop. But it feels like kind of a big deal. It was purely emotional eating.</span></em><br />
<br />
The last two days have been extremely stressful. Yesterday, there were a bunch of unexpected layoffs at my job. Last night, my dear daughter slept poorly due to a tummyache, which means I slept poorly. I had terrible coffee this morning. We found out more bad information about the layoffs and other future unknowns. The work day has gone by slowly. At the end of the day, I am pretty much by myself and it's lonely and I'm stressed and anxious and tired.<br />
<br />
I decide I want some chocolate. I'll also note I had a soda today for the first time in days and I know soda can trigger other sweet cravings (whoops). I finally give in and go to the vending machine and get two candy bars because I can't decide. Back at my desk, I eat both back-to-back. <br />
<br />
I feel my blood sugar skyrocket and actually get a little dizzy. I do make the smart decision to refill my water cup and drink a bunch of water to help flush the sugar somewhat. Now, I feel mildly guilty and stupid. My anxiety is a little better just because I have numbed out a little bit. I am still fairly exhausted, and still by myself. I realize I could have called someone for support, or done a gratitude check (I do this and feel stupider but still grateful for what I do have). I am also grateful for the lesson that, yet again, <em>the food</em> <em>does not make the pain go away</em>. <br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-82118154355747901392012-11-29T12:58:00.000-08:002012-11-29T12:58:17.527-08:00Personal StyleLately, I have realized that a lot of my clothes don't fit like they used to. After a baby, things just aren't in the same places! While my weight has been stable for the last year or so, my clothes still fit differently. I especially noticed that my jeans were painful to wear. I am extremely sensitive to ill-fitting clothes (having suffered in too-small pants for years in hopes of weight loss) and cannot stand anything tight on my stomach. <br />
<br />
Recently, I have been perusing <a href="http://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/" target="_blank">Wardrobe Oxygen</a> and <a href="http://hannahmarcotti.com/" target="_blank">Hannah Marcotti</a> who talk a lot about personal style, comfort, and being true to yourself. I realized that I have lost whatever style I had. Don't get me wrong, I've dabbled in many: preppy, skater, goth, corporate. My current job is sedentary and casual so there is minimal impetus to dress nicely at all and with an infant, comfort always wins. I was talking to my dear husband about this last night and he made a poignant statement: "You look how you feel." <br />
<br />
Well, crap.<br />
<br />
Last night, I purged my closet. I now have no jeans to speak of and I also got rid of all of the shirts I tug down or stretch out to make more comfortable. In the process, I actually discovered some great things I had forgotten or haven't even worn. For example, today I am wearing a great thrifted long skirt with a comfy drawstring waist. It's still dressier than I normally do but super comfortable and makes me feel pretty. I am going to make an effort to focus on what makes me feel good, inside and out. And that includes my wardrobe.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-42967874103900403812012-11-28T07:29:00.000-08:002012-11-28T07:29:18.538-08:00Journal Entry: letting goAs you've probably been able to tell, I have had a difficult time with urges to restrict. I am working hard towards being very gentle with myself (what a nice problem to have!) so I thought I would try a journal entry to help process some feelings.<br />
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Breakfast 9:30am<br />
I had a yogurt with almonds planned. I am sick of yogurt but can't think of another breakfast food to have. I have an inkling it's become a "safe" food for me which is not okay. I decide I am really craving a biscuit so I stop in the way in to work and get a yummy iced blueberry biscuit with a sweet tea. It is just what I wanted! I'll sip on the tea most of the day.<br />
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I notice I've been having major carb cravings. Some of this may be because I am tired or stressed but at this point I am honoring my cravings and find myself satisifed.<br />
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Lunch 12:00pm<br />
Planned: half a chicken breast with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing (cornbread and sausage, yum!) and leftover sugared yams. It is way more than I know I will eat but I figure I can snack on it in the afternoon (and, honestly, was too lazy to portion it out of the containers it was already in!). I eat until I'm full and feel satisfied, with plenty of leftovers.<br />
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Snack 3:00pm<br />
Post-workout and fairly hungry. I decide to finish off the yams and some of the stuffing from lunch. Yummy!<br />
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Dinner 7:00pm<br />
I started getting a bit hungry about 15 minutes before I left work but I decided to wait until dinner. I have a habit of late afternoon snacking and then I'm not hungry for dinner. Corn, boiled potatoes, and thin-sliced steak with some balsamic sauce. YUM!<br />
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Snack 10:30pm<br />
This does seem late to eat but I don't normally go to bed until at least midnight since my dear daughter is a night owl. Small slice of apple pie (warmed of course!) and vanilla ice cream. Love it!<br />
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Overall, I ate exactly what I wanted and felt satisfied. My one lesson for today is that I should eat bigger meals. When I eat more at mealtime, I don't have that constant nagging peckishness all day long. I also will be replacing breakfast yogurt ASAP.<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-48278420300365775382012-11-19T10:27:00.003-08:002012-11-19T10:27:12.220-08:00Realizing restricting.I always thought I was an overeater. I am an emotional eater, so I must eat too much, right?<br />
<br />
Maybe not.<br />
<br />
I am a chronic dieter. I had a period of binge eating/flirt with bulimia in graduate school; ironically, I was at my lowest weight from a recent heinous diet plan. I think I might have been starving, really. <br />
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I cannot, however, seem to get rid of the diet mentality and trend towards restriction. Every time I try to be more intuitive and just let myself eat what I want, when I really want it, I find myself filled with feelings of guilt and doubt. I "feel fat". And down the rabbit hole we go. And I start trying to restrict, either in general or specific food groups. <br />
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I have realized that I really need to allow myself to just eat whatever, whenever. Even if it's not entirely intuitive. Even if it's just for fun or because I have a craving. I need to allow myself to just "be". Until food is no longer taboo or shiny or a drug, until I can eat without guilt or fear, I need to be gentle with myself. Restriction should not be a weight loss strategy or coping mechanism; it should be a sign that I need to look more closely at what I'm feeling and remember that eating is a good thing and part of enjoying life. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-18938099734225214272012-11-12T08:37:00.001-08:002012-11-12T08:37:40.443-08:00Processing.<em>Fair warning: kind of a random, whiny, rant post.</em><br />
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I am exhausted.<br />
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The baby had a terrible night so I am not sure I got more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep.<br />
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Also, my parents came over for the day and in fact, ruined the day.<br />
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My husband tried to have a bonding moment with my father, per my prodding. My father managed to be totally dismissive of it and make my husband feel like an idiot.<br />
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My mother succeeding in bringing almost every conversation back to food or weight. This is after earlier in the day telling me that being hungry after meals is a good thing.<br />
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I hate that my parents have such an impact on my emotional state. It makes me feel like I have poor boundaries but, they are my parents. <br />
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I hate that my patience was short with my daughter last night because I felt raw from the day's events. <br />
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I hate that I beat myself up about all of this and ruined my own day to some degree.<br />
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I wish I didn't feel so numbly depressed today.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-21413455017453392892012-11-07T14:31:00.002-08:002012-11-07T14:31:12.814-08:00Pink Sparkly Lip GlossToday, at 5:28pm, I put on pink sparkly lip gloss.<br />
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My day is about over, my hair is a mess and my makeup is mostly gone from my face.<br />
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But I still put on pink lip gloss. <br />
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Just because.<br />
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It's totally impractical, a little daring (at least for me), but it makes me feel good. <br />
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I don't take enough time for myself. I don't try hard enough to make myself feel good. I think my worth is hiding under extra weight or belly bulge when, really, it's just buried under years of fear and self-loathing.<br />
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I am worth pink sparkly lip gloss.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8246333680755232128.post-46559515926048100062012-11-07T10:55:00.001-08:002012-11-07T10:55:00.917-08:00On DietingI have a confession to make.<br />
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I bought Weight Watchers materials online. (I'm too cheap to actually sign up so just ordered a set of their materials on Ebay.)<br />
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I was tired of being "fat". I wanted to lose weight (still kinda do). I wanted an "easy solution".<br />
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To be entirely honest, it has been a little helpful. It has helped me curb some mindless eating and has made me really look at my emotional eating triggers instead of hopping right into the eating part.<br />
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However.<br />
<br />
I'm hungry.<br />
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Also, carbs seem to be somewhat of a no-no. Foods are given different values, which of course is hugely ED triggering.<br />
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It has also made me remember something really important: it's not about the food. Food is a symptom of deeper emotional issues for me. I overeat to numb out. I believe that if the emotional issues are resolved, the food issue will also resolve (at least for me).<br />
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Also, eating should be a natural thing. Some days (like today), I am hungrier than others. Some days, I may be less hungry. It should be a natural balance, not something of weighing and measuring and I shouldn't feel bad about what I eat. Ever.<br />
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So, did I really waste $50? I am wondering if it was worth the lesson learned.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0