Realizing restricting.

I always thought I was an overeater. I am an emotional eater, so I must eat too much, right?

Maybe not.

I am a chronic dieter. I had a period of binge eating/flirt with bulimia in graduate school; ironically, I was at my lowest weight from a recent heinous diet plan. I think I might have been starving, really.

I cannot, however, seem to get rid of the diet mentality and trend towards restriction. Every time I try to be more intuitive and just let myself eat what I want, when I really want it, I find myself filled with feelings of guilt and doubt. I "feel fat". And down the rabbit hole we go. And I start trying to restrict, either in general or specific food groups.

I have realized that I really need to allow myself to just eat whatever, whenever. Even if it's not entirely intuitive. Even if it's just for fun or because I have a craving. I need to allow myself to just "be". Until food is no longer taboo or shiny or a drug, until I can eat without guilt or fear, I need to be gentle with myself. Restriction should not be a weight loss strategy or coping mechanism; it should be a sign that I need to look more closely at what I'm feeling and remember that eating is a good thing and part of enjoying life.