Befriending your body

Today, I got a newsletter from Judith Matz at Diet Survivors. It included a bit of an excerpt from Rick Hanson that really struck me and I had to share it! I hope you find it as powerful as I did.
Befriend Your Body

Imagine that your body is separate from you, and consider these questions:

How has your body taken care of you over the years? Such as keeping you alive, giving you pleasure, and taking you from place to place.

In return, how well do you take care of your body? Such as soothing, feeding, and exercising it, or taking it to the doctor. On the other hand, in what ways might you run it down, feed it junk food, or intoxicate it?

If your body could talk to you, what might it say?

If your body were a good friend, how would you treat it? Would that be different from how you treat it now?

Remember a time when you treated a good friend well. What was your attitude toward your friend, and what kinds of things did you do with him or her? How did it feel inside to be nice toward your friend?

Next, imagine a day of treating your body like another good friend. Imagine loving this friend—your body—as you wake up and help it out of bed: being gentle with it, staying connected to it, not rushing about… what would this feel like?

Imagine cherishing your body as you move through the morning—such as helping it kindly to some water, giving it a nice shower, and serving it healthy and delicious food. Imagine treating your body with love as you do other activities, such as driving, caring for children, exercising, working with others, doing dishes, having sex, or brushing your teeth.

How would this approach feel?

You'd probably experience less stress, more relaxation and calm, more pleasure, more ease, and more of a sense of being in control of your life. Plus an implicit sense of being kind to yourself, since in a deep sense you don't just have a body, you are your body; treating it well is treating you well.

If your body could speak, what might it say to you after being treated with love for a day?

Then, for real, treat your body well for a day (or even for just a few minutes). What's this like? In what ways does it feel good? Notice any reluctance to be nice to your body. Maybe a feeling that doing so would be self-indulgent or sinful.

Explore that reluctance, and see what it's about. Then decide if it makes any sense. If it doesn't, return to treating your body well.

If you could talk to your body, what might you say? Perhaps write a letter to your body, telling it how you've felt about it in the past, and how you want to be nicer to it in the future.

Make a short list of how to care better for your body, such as quitting smoking, or leaving work sooner, or taking more time for simple bodily pleasures. Then commit to treating your body better.

Kindness begins at home.

Your home is your body.

A little perspective

This weekend, while working to spring clean a little in anticipation of our big move (did I tell you we are buying a house?!), I found an old photo album I didn't recognize. It turned out to be pictures from my college graduation and early graduate school, about 8-9 years ago.

At first, I was amused by my painfully blonde hair (I'm naturally a medium brown. My dear husband says I should never have blonde hair again). But then, I was deeply saddened. I thought to myself, wow, I look skinny. Graduate school was probably the darkest period of my life, diet-wise. My eating disorder was at its worst and I thought I was so fat. I got down to my lowest weight by my grad school graduation and my body was really sick.

I am now about 25 lbs heavier than then. I sat there thinking, if I thought I was fat then, what hope is there for me now? But then, I thought, no. I am tired. Tired of "feeling fat," tired of abusing my body and not appreciating it. Tired of wasting time. Enough is enough!

It's funny how a picture has so much power and reminds me of so much pain. I look at newer pictures, me with my baby girl, and I look happy. And thinner than my mind tells me I am. Pictures really so speak a thousand words.

Deprivation

Whenever I choose not to eat something sweet (as in, I really am not hungry and not terribly interested but it's still available), I have this intense feeling of deprivation. Like I am keeping myself from something wonderful and I have this strong feeling of sadness and, oddly, loneliness.

I am not sure if this is leftover from dieting days and purposefully restricting, or related to something more emotional and feelings of emotional neediness being filled by food. Probably a little of both.

I haven't quite mastered talking myself down from these feelings. I need to explore them more and find their root. I'm scared to pull at it but I know it needs to be examined.

Am I really being intuitive?

The answer to the question is No.

This post from Medical Marzipan made me realize that.

In an effort to not diet or work out in a punitive way, I became the anti-diet.

I overate. I ate mindlessly. I ate excessive amounts of sugar, especially when I wasn't hungry. I stopped working out regularly.

Last night, I realized what I was doing.

"I thought that if I removed the diet from my life, I would be able to thus weed out the self-hatred that I felt so deeply."

I was trying to accept myself in a place I am not happy with. And the negative feelings didn't go away.

Because I'm not really taking care of myself. Edie (you remember her) has been throwing a tantrum and making a mess.

Rationally, I know what is good for me. Less sugar, more movement, and less mindlessness.

Journal Entry

Thought I'd throw in a random journal entry for fun! May be a good progress check as well.

9:00am
I am dithering about what I want for breakfast. A biscuit and sweet tea sounds good but I am not sold on it. I have figured out that when I'm not really sure, I'm not really hungry. I save myself a few dollars and head on to work with the plan to eat my packed food for breakfast.

9:15am
Arrive at work, make a cup of green tea. I was in the mood for this and enjoy it.

10:30am
Rats! I got really sidetracked making phone calls and now am starving. I had originally planned a yogurt but that sounds hideous at this moment. I decide on a granola bar for breakfast. Not super filling but I figure lunch is around the corner at this point.

11:45am
Ready for lunch! I packed an Italian chicken and bowtie pasta salad. A little too much dressing but still  good. I eat almost all of it.

2:00pm
Getting sleeeepy. I kind of want a soda but am trying to avoid the extra sugar in the afternoon; I've found it makes me hungrier sometimes. I decide to make a cup of iced black tea and then, if I still want the soda in a bit, I'll get one. I also have an apple as my first afternoon nap. As you may have learned, I like to graze in the afternoons. It keeps me a little perkier and keeps any extra boredom snacking urges happy.

3:00pm
HUNGRY! I have some Trail Mix style Chex Mix, perfect for afternoon grazing.

7:00pm
Dinner, starving again! Griddled cube steak, mashed potatoes, and brussel sprouts. I felt like I inhaled this, I was so hungry. Definitely not a mindful meal.

9:00pm
I usually want some kind of a treat. I had some leftover Dairy Queen. It was just okay.

10:00pm
The husband and MIL were snacking on some Chex Mix so I had a few rye crisps. Not really hungry, just joining in on the snacking.

Stay tuned for a follow up post about my mindless eating...

Feelings about the gym.

I just started back at the gym after over a month off. I did the boot camp class but quit when I realized it was just too much to do in the evenings and really too strenuous for me. I worked out a bit at home but I loathe working out outside. Then, I got sick and had surgery. I finally ventured back to the gym in the last week or so.

And I've hated it.

Partly, my body doesn't feel the same. My hip still feels weird post-surgery so that just makes me nervous. I am not sure how hard to push my body or what it's really capable of. I feel like I pushed it hard for so long that I am trying to find a happy, healthy place of movement.

Working out has also made me more aware of my body, and not really in a good way. I notice the spots that are softer or weaker. I feel the burn of the exercise and register it as pain.

I want to try and focus on working out as functional improvement as opposed to aesthetic improvement, and this may be the key for me. While ignoring all of this and not moving my body feels safe and comfortable, this spot may not be the healthiest for me.

Intuitive Drinking

I am not much of a drinker.

I had my first "real" drink when I was in college. I did it more to fit in than out of any real desire to do it. Peer pressure 101. I had a fairly normal college drinking experience, over-imbibing on several occasions but mainly being a social drinker.

After college, I rarely drank, mainly again on social occasions. I do admit to sometimes drinking when upset (I recall the week my husband/then boyfriend had a weeklong fight and my evenings were spent with a vodka tonic or two). I didn't routinely keep alcohol in the house and mainly drank on evenings out.

I'm now 30 with an infant. I still don't routinely keep alcohol in the house and rarely drink outside of the house. I have found, in recent years, that it just makes me TIRED. One drink and I'm ready for a nap.

The stupid thing, however, is that I still do it! I know that the drink will make me tired and I still have it. Not very intuitive, is it? I think I have this idea that the alcohol will make my evening more relaxing or more fun or that it's expected. Instead, I always end up regretting it. Being totally sober seems depressing to me. But isn't my well-being more important?

So, here's to sobriety!