Surrender.

Surrender.

This word has popped up in my vision a lot lately.

This post at Roots of She really spoke to me.

I feel like my life is a constant battle. Yes, it sounds cliche but it really is the best description I can muster.

Fighting for control.
Fighting my weight.
Fighting my body.
Fighting distorted or negative thoughts.

Why am I always fighting?

What would happen if I stopped and just gave in?

What would happen if I just surrendered?

The idea doesn't strike me as a loss, but as a release.

Eat When You're Hungry.

What a simple concept.

What a difficult concept to put into action!

Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.

I am pretty good about the full thing. I know when I'm full most of the time and don't stress too much if I eat a little more or less around fullness.

Hunger, however, feels like this mysterious goal.

When am I really hungry? I know the far end of hunger: stomach growling, mild lightheadedness or nausea. But regular old hunger. Hard to pinpoint.

I think years of dieting and emotional eating have really numbed out this feeling. I eat when I'm bored, tired, or upset. Last night was a perfect example: it was about an hour before I was going to go to bed and I was feeling significantly tired (I couldn't go to bed earlier because of the family schedule of baby-watching; we trade off late nights). I immediately said I was hungry. However, nothing but sweets sounded good and even that was vague, so I sat with the feeling a little while and realized it was really just fatigue and not hunger. I embraced the fatigue and went to bed on time, feeling not the slightest bit hungry.

I am going to try and really focus on this. I feel like it's simple enough to not be overwhelming but important enough to really home in on.

Guest post!

I am honored to be featured on the lovely web site, Nourishing the Soul.

You can find my post here.

Loving myself in the new year.

Most days, I have a hard time loving myself. I do many things that are the opposite of self-love:

• eating or drinking things I know make me feel ill
• eating in secret
• eating emotionally
• eating things I know are emotionally triggering
• not moving my body
• settling for "good enough" too often
• living in fear of what "could be"
• living mindlessly and in distraction
• berating myself constantly
• worry about what I can't control

I want to set myself up for a more positive, loving year. In 2013, I hope to:

• eat mindfully (Mindful Eating Marathon, here I come!)
• move my body more
• be gentle with myself
• sit with and honor my feelings instead of running from them

I am not one for resolutions but I think it's good to plan ahead a bit, especially when it comes to taking good care of myself!

Progress

Last night, I had two interesting realizations regarding my healing process.

1. At night, I sometimes crave fruit for dessert. However, I have a hard time eating it because it triggers diet thoughts in my head, like it's what I'm "supposed" to be eating. A lot of the times, I choose another snack instead but I understand it's a good sign I am having the cravings and working towards honoring them more fully. I know I need to be in a place where I can eat whatever, whenever I want it (including "healthier" foods) and I don't think I'm there yet.
2. I don't eat enough at meals. This goes right along with my restrictive tendencies. I also like to snack a lot and I feel like I hold back at meals in order to be able to snack later. This is not honoring my hunger. I am going to work on making sure to pack larger breakfasts and lunches for work as I struggle more when I have to plan my meals ahead.

It made me feel good to realize these things. I know I am not done but I am making what feels like good, natural progress.

Mindfulness

I saw this quote today on the lovely Geneen Roth's Facebook page. I really think it is worth remembering and wanted to share it.

If you really tasted the food that was in your mouth--really, truly tasted it--you could not overeat. There would be a feast in each bite. Just so, if you really saw the person in front of you, the sky above you, the teacup in front of you, you would be knocked over by the beauty. You would feel, in each step, with each bite, that the purpose of being alive was unfolding in you--and you would know that that was all you ever wanted.

Exercise and body awareness

I have not been particularly active lately. As in, I've gone to the gym twice in the last two weeks or so. In fairness to me, I have been "active": running after my child, cleaning, decorating, etc. Just not formally exercising.

And I've been happier.

Sometimes, when I don't exercise, I get a little crazy, feel "fat" and just plain antsy. I have a sedentary job so that doesn't help either. I have been so busy recently that I haven't had time to even think about working out.

As things have calmed down in the last few days, I have realized I "should" go to the gym (first warning flag, I suppose). Actually, now that I think about it, I did go for a walk outside with coworkers a few times which technically is exercising but I guess I counted it more as socializing! Hmm, maybe I should give myself some credit for being more active than I think.

Nevertheless, I did go to the gym today. I found myself worrying about what exercises I should do or what would be the most effective activity. I felt like I couldn't leave until I had worked enough muscle groups and then wasn't sure I still did enough.

Maybe the gym isn't the place for me? Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and not just enjoying the physical movement?