Not listening

(trigger alert: This post is somewhat of an emotional purge for me but this feels like a safe place for me to do it. Please skip if you are feeling fragile.)

Last night, I was eating ice cream. I realized after the fact that my mind was screaming at me the whole time I was eating. But I was not listening. Here's a little stream of consciousness of my experience:

Hmm, this is kind of good. The ice cream is kind of grainy though. There isn't much Reese's cup in it and what is there tastes kind of waxy. Why am I eating this? Tomorrow, I won't eat any sweets so I need to eat it ALL NOW. That way it won't be there tomorrow. I need to eat all the sweets so they won't be there when I start eating better tomorrow. Why do I feel so frantic? I don't even want this. Why can't I throw it away and not think about it? I want to eat this and enjoy it and feel happy. I feel guilty eating this and I am not even enjoying it. Oh. It's gone now.

This was and is extremely depressing. I feel like I am stuck in this binge/restrict cycle. I know why. I started a new exercise class about 2 weeks ago. I am really enjoying it but I have a really unrealistic expectation of instant results. The teacher also does nutritional counseling and I asked him for the information. I think this may have been a mistake because now I am in pre-diet mode: "Must eat all good things because they will be off-limits tomorrow!" Hell, I don't even know what the information looks like yet and I'm already triggered. I really just want to be strong and healthy and not eat emotionally, still enjoy my food and not restrict. I don't trust my body to tell me what it wants and I hate this feeling of body-mind conflict. I am one being. I am not a brain and the shell that houses it. I feel very confused, very anxious, and very unhappy. I want to ignore it all and just be okay but I know I will probably live with a lot of this for my whole life.

I am still trying to find my happy medium. I think I am going to try and journal today and see how that goes. I'll also keep you updated on my workout class and the nutritional counseling, which I think could either be helpful or extremely triggering. Dear Husband is aware I am receiving it so I'll probably talk to him about it some as well.

Thanks for listening.

Fullness.

Lately, I have really been relishing the feeling of fullness. Not the "ohmygod I ate too much blergh..." but that warm, heavy belly feeling after eating a good meal.

I can't remember feeling this before in my life. And that makes me sad.

I always ate "just enough" or not enough, or way too much. I sometimes felt like I was starving myself and other times couldn't eat enough to fill the black pit inside. I think I still tend to restrict, overestimating what I eat in a day. I don't eat enough fat or protein regularly. When I do, I feel much better and much fuller.

Lately, I have been trying to eat to fullness. Sometimes the amount of food it takes horrifies me but I will continue to do this until I can normalize it in my own mind.

It is okay to eat.

It is okay to feel full.

Fullness does not equal fatness.

And it is okay to take care of myself.

Inside the box

I received a comment on my last post about how I seem to be restricting myself with labels and rules.

I was surprised at how hard this hit me.

I don't just do this with eating. I feel the need to label everything in my life. My hairstyle, clothing style, personality. This can be extremely difficult, if not ridiculous. My hairstyle changes regularly. My clothing style varies depending on my mood, and my personality is, as my husband puts it, turbulent. None of these things can be or should be stuffed in a tiny box despite my desire to do so.

I will admit something I was trying very hard not to.

I am desperate to lose weight. As I have mentioned previously, that is really what is behind my "challenges". I am not trying to make myself better. I am trying to make myself smaller (the easier to fit in the box, my dear).

Why am I trying so hard to do this?

What would it mean not to?

The thought is terrifying. I am comfortable in my boxes, even if they pinch or make it hard to breathe sometimes.

I'm afraid of being too much.

Too loud.
Too pretty.
Too successful.
Too intense.
Too fat.

(now "too" looks all weird)

I can't just let myself "be". I spend so much time trying to "fix" things that I never enjoy anything.

I need a hobby that is not "self-improvement" but I do need to take care of myself.
I need to let myself be myself.
I need to eat and not obsess about everything I put in my mouth.
I need to move my body in a loving way.
I need to appreciate today.

"Normal Eating"

"Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stopping eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along with way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

       Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings."~Ellyn Satter (source)

I love this quote. I need to come back and read it regularly. If you haven't noticed, I have been a tad obsessive about my eating habits lately. Overanalyzing what/when/how much and nitpicking my body's responses. In relation to my recent low-sugar crusade, that was a crash and burn and, guess what? I feel fine. I have eliminated soda from my diet but only because I didn't want it anymore; I just no longer found it appealing. It is a huge struggle not to feel self-righteous about it and think I'm doing something "good".

Dieting always drove me batty (imagine that!) because I became so obsessive about the dieting. I would be really "successful" but, as expected, would put weight back on as soon as I stopped dieting. I think I am abusing IE in this way; focusing way too closely on everything I eat and spending too much time in my head. In the last few days, my eating habits have been all over the place but I have felt physically fine and not guilty about what I ate. So, at least for a bit, you may see less actual journal entries as I take a break for my own wellness.

"Last Supper"

There is a thought process called the "Last Supper" mentality. Have you heard of it?

Basically, it's the idea, typically before starting a diet, that you'll eat what you want because, tomorrow, you'll start eating "better/healthier/less". You then may overeat to compensate for what you won't get or have a sense of scarcity about what you may or may not be able to have.

I feel like I do this fairly regularly, especially since I tend towards restriction in my eating habits. Whenever I eat something "bad", I mentally plan to restrict the next day.

At this point, I am almost forcing myself to eat more "bad" foods in the hopes of breaking this thought process, to remind myself that, look, it's still there and I can have more! I think so many years of restricting are causing this process to take a little while but, hey, I'm enjoying my eating in the meantime!