The other day, I caught myself thinking it would be better to eat more fruit before eating a "less healthy" snack. I immediately put away the fruit and pulled out the snack I wanted. It's disappointing to me that I still catch myself valuing food in this manner. I guess it's a good sign I am recognizing it and will be a work in progress.
This next section is kind of a personal rant. I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings, just my perspective.
There are a lot of food blogs out there. A lot of them focus on "healthy eating". You will also notice that a lot of these blogs are written by folks who self-disclose a history of disordered eating. They also may talk about being vegan, vegetarian, or whatnot. While I have no problem with any of this in theory, if you look closely you will notice a lot of diet talk hidden within the recipes and pretty meal pictures. White sugar gets demonized and oils are eliminated as much as possible. Strenuous workouts are also reported.
I used to enjoy some of these blogs but the more I read them, the more triggering I found them. I think it's really irresponsible to tout "healthy eating" or whatever but then intermix diet or fat talk and calorie counts, etc. I know these blogs aren't set up to be therapeutic or claim to be user-friendly and aren't intended to be negative but it frustrates me when the writers disclose their disordered histories and are still encouraging calorie cutting or food substitutions. It just seems misleading.
End of rant. :)
Showing posts with label food issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food issues. Show all posts
Friday, April 27, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Self disclosure
As you know, my trainer recently gave me a meal plan to follow. I have, uh, not been following it. I try to use it as a guideline but often I just don't pay attention to it because I just can't. I asked him recently about how to increase my endurance and, in addition to some exercise recommendations, he reiterated the importance of nutrition and the meal plan.
Hm.
I decided to tell him about my history. I decided this made sense because I don't want him to think I am trying to be noncompliant or lazy and I think it's important considering the continued discussions about my eating habits. I am hoping he will be understanding or have some alternate recommendations (I'll keep you updated).
How do you feel about self disclosure of a disordered eating history? I am really hesitant to talk to people about it; partly because I think it's none of their business and I'm a private person and partly because I am embarrassed.
Hm.
I decided to tell him about my history. I decided this made sense because I don't want him to think I am trying to be noncompliant or lazy and I think it's important considering the continued discussions about my eating habits. I am hoping he will be understanding or have some alternate recommendations (I'll keep you updated).
How do you feel about self disclosure of a disordered eating history? I am really hesitant to talk to people about it; partly because I think it's none of their business and I'm a private person and partly because I am embarrassed.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Fullness.
Lately, I have really been relishing the feeling of fullness. Not the "ohmygod I ate too much blergh..." but that warm, heavy belly feeling after eating a good meal.
I can't remember feeling this before in my life. And that makes me sad.
I always ate "just enough" or not enough, or way too much. I sometimes felt like I was starving myself and other times couldn't eat enough to fill the black pit inside. I think I still tend to restrict, overestimating what I eat in a day. I don't eat enough fat or protein regularly. When I do, I feel much better and much fuller.
Lately, I have been trying to eat to fullness. Sometimes the amount of food it takes horrifies me but I will continue to do this until I can normalize it in my own mind.
It is okay to eat.
It is okay to feel full.
Fullness does not equal fatness.
And it is okay to take care of myself.
I can't remember feeling this before in my life. And that makes me sad.
I always ate "just enough" or not enough, or way too much. I sometimes felt like I was starving myself and other times couldn't eat enough to fill the black pit inside. I think I still tend to restrict, overestimating what I eat in a day. I don't eat enough fat or protein regularly. When I do, I feel much better and much fuller.
Lately, I have been trying to eat to fullness. Sometimes the amount of food it takes horrifies me but I will continue to do this until I can normalize it in my own mind.
It is okay to eat.
It is okay to feel full.
Fullness does not equal fatness.
And it is okay to take care of myself.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Inside the box
I received a comment on my last post about how I seem to be restricting myself with labels and rules.
I was surprised at how hard this hit me.
I don't just do this with eating. I feel the need to label everything in my life. My hairstyle, clothing style, personality. This can be extremely difficult, if not ridiculous. My hairstyle changes regularly. My clothing style varies depending on my mood, and my personality is, as my husband puts it, turbulent. None of these things can be or should be stuffed in a tiny box despite my desire to do so.
I will admit something I was trying very hard not to.
I am desperate to lose weight. As I have mentioned previously, that is really what is behind my "challenges". I am not trying to make myself better. I am trying to make myself smaller (the easier to fit in the box, my dear).
Why am I trying so hard to do this?
What would it mean not to?
The thought is terrifying. I am comfortable in my boxes, even if they pinch or make it hard to breathe sometimes.
I'm afraid of being too much.
Too loud.
Too pretty.
Too successful.
Too intense.
Too fat.
(now "too" looks all weird)
I can't just let myself "be". I spend so much time trying to "fix" things that I never enjoy anything.
I need a hobby that is not "self-improvement" but I do need to take care of myself.
I need to let myself be myself.
I need to eat and not obsess about everything I put in my mouth.
I need to move my body in a loving way.
I need to appreciate today.
I was surprised at how hard this hit me.
I don't just do this with eating. I feel the need to label everything in my life. My hairstyle, clothing style, personality. This can be extremely difficult, if not ridiculous. My hairstyle changes regularly. My clothing style varies depending on my mood, and my personality is, as my husband puts it, turbulent. None of these things can be or should be stuffed in a tiny box despite my desire to do so.
I will admit something I was trying very hard not to.
I am desperate to lose weight. As I have mentioned previously, that is really what is behind my "challenges". I am not trying to make myself better. I am trying to make myself smaller (the easier to fit in the box, my dear).
Why am I trying so hard to do this?
What would it mean not to?
The thought is terrifying. I am comfortable in my boxes, even if they pinch or make it hard to breathe sometimes.
I'm afraid of being too much.
Too loud.
Too pretty.
Too successful.
Too intense.
Too fat.
(now "too" looks all weird)
I can't just let myself "be". I spend so much time trying to "fix" things that I never enjoy anything.
I need a hobby that is not "self-improvement" but I do need to take care of myself.
I need to let myself be myself.
I need to eat and not obsess about everything I put in my mouth.
I need to move my body in a loving way.
I need to appreciate today.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Day 6: Temptation
(ha, just realized I keep updating on even-numbered days)
Well, so far, so good.
Today, however, I was faced with my first serious temptation.
A coworker handed out candy to everyone. She put in on my desk before I could decline. I immediately picked it up to eat and then realized my challenge-in-action. Crap.
I then sat and thought about what was happening. I like candy. I'm not hungry. I'm actually not in the mood for it. When I googled the candy to see what flavor it was (had a certain color wrapper), I discovered I don't even like this flavor! Huh. Normally, I would have eaten it without thinking twice, without realizing I wouldn't even enjoy it. Talk about mindless eating!
I finally put it in my work drawer and will pass it on to another coworker later in the day. It seems like a tiny, petty scenario but it really made me think.
Well, so far, so good.
Today, however, I was faced with my first serious temptation.
A coworker handed out candy to everyone. She put in on my desk before I could decline. I immediately picked it up to eat and then realized my challenge-in-action. Crap.
I then sat and thought about what was happening. I like candy. I'm not hungry. I'm actually not in the mood for it. When I googled the candy to see what flavor it was (had a certain color wrapper), I discovered I don't even like this flavor! Huh. Normally, I would have eaten it without thinking twice, without realizing I wouldn't even enjoy it. Talk about mindless eating!
I finally put it in my work drawer and will pass it on to another coworker later in the day. It seems like a tiny, petty scenario but it really made me think.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Day 4: Cravings
I feel like an addict today.
I am having intense, almost physical cravings. I feel uncomfortable and mildly agitated. I know how easy it would be to just "give in" and eat some candy, for example. But I am determined to stop the cycle. I think that if I give in, I will never stop doing this but if I can get over the "hump", it will bring me to a whole new place of taking care of myself physically and emotionally.
The ride there just kinda sucks.
I am having intense, almost physical cravings. I feel uncomfortable and mildly agitated. I know how easy it would be to just "give in" and eat some candy, for example. But I am determined to stop the cycle. I think that if I give in, I will never stop doing this but if I can get over the "hump", it will bring me to a whole new place of taking care of myself physically and emotionally.
The ride there just kinda sucks.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Day 2: Raw
Yesterday was pretty rough. I joked (sort of) with my husband that I had removed my only coping skill but eliminating sweets from my diet. In some ways, this is very true. I had a rough night with a fussy baby and had a much harder time than usual dealing with it. My dear husband actually sent me to take a nap at one point (such a good idea!). Later in the evening, I told him I just felt "raw". My emotions felt much more at the front, like my nerves were exposed. I don't think this is a bad thing, just different for me. Hopefully the passing days will force me to adjust and take care of myself in better ways.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Normal Eating"
Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings."~Ellyn Satter (source)
I love this quote. I need to come back and read it regularly. If you haven't noticed, I have been a tad obsessive about my eating habits lately. Overanalyzing what/when/how much and nitpicking my body's responses. In relation to my recent low-sugar crusade, that was a crash and burn and, guess what? I feel fine. I have eliminated soda from my diet but only because I didn't want it anymore; I just no longer found it appealing. It is a huge struggle not to feel self-righteous about it and think I'm doing something "good".
Dieting always drove me batty (imagine that!) because I became so obsessive about the dieting. I would be really "successful" but, as expected, would put weight back on as soon as I stopped dieting. I think I am abusing IE in this way; focusing way too closely on everything I eat and spending too much time in my head. In the last few days, my eating habits have been all over the place but I have felt physically fine and not guilty about what I ate. So, at least for a bit, you may see less actual journal entries as I take a break for my own wellness.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
When Food Makes You Feel Bad
While I was pregnant, I developed Gestational Diabetes. It wasn't a serious case and was easily managed by my diet. I am typically hypoglycemic and they think this may have had an effect.
Before I was diagnosed officially, I was definitely symptomatic. In the morning especially, if I had something too sugary (soda) or too carb-heavy (oatmeal), my heart would race. After the dietary adjustments, these symptoms went away.
7 months postpartum, they have returned.
I have always been a heavy carb eater because that was always the easiest way to control my blood sugar. I also love sweets (as you well know). But now it seems to be affecting me negatively.
My food is making me feel bad. Physically.
So.
My plan is to go back to somewhat of the GD diet. Less simple carbs, more protein. I think this is a really important part of IE. It can be easy to eat what is comforting or just "sounds good". But listening to your body more closely can tell you some interesting things.
Before I was diagnosed officially, I was definitely symptomatic. In the morning especially, if I had something too sugary (soda) or too carb-heavy (oatmeal), my heart would race. After the dietary adjustments, these symptoms went away.
7 months postpartum, they have returned.
I have always been a heavy carb eater because that was always the easiest way to control my blood sugar. I also love sweets (as you well know). But now it seems to be affecting me negatively.
My food is making me feel bad. Physically.
So.
My plan is to go back to somewhat of the GD diet. Less simple carbs, more protein. I think this is a really important part of IE. It can be easy to eat what is comforting or just "sounds good". But listening to your body more closely can tell you some interesting things.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Did you eat too much?
"I ate too much!"
How often do you say that to yourself?
I say it more often than I should. Here is an internal dialogue I recently had with myself.
Ugh, I ate too much today?
No, you didn't.
I ate all that cake and those cookies.
Are you uncomfortably full?
....No.
Then you didn't eat too much.
(end scene)
With food morality comes this idea that you should only eat certain amounts of certain foods. I.e., lots of vegetables and minimal to no candy. There are lots of caveats to this of course. If you have a medical condition, for example, you may in fact have to limit certain kinds of foods. When I was pregnant, I developed gestational diabetes and had to limit my carbohydrate intake. However, as an IBS sufferer, I also have to watch my vegetable intake (otherwise, tummyache here we come).
Beyond that, we shouldn't judge what kinds of foods we eat. Eat what you enjoy, what makes you happy and feel good. If some days, that's 3 pieces of cake, that's fine. And if on other days it's spaghetti bolognese, well then that's okay too.
How often do you say that to yourself?
I say it more often than I should. Here is an internal dialogue I recently had with myself.
Ugh, I ate too much today?
No, you didn't.
I ate all that cake and those cookies.
Are you uncomfortably full?
....No.
Then you didn't eat too much.
(end scene)
With food morality comes this idea that you should only eat certain amounts of certain foods. I.e., lots of vegetables and minimal to no candy. There are lots of caveats to this of course. If you have a medical condition, for example, you may in fact have to limit certain kinds of foods. When I was pregnant, I developed gestational diabetes and had to limit my carbohydrate intake. However, as an IBS sufferer, I also have to watch my vegetable intake (otherwise, tummyache here we come).
Beyond that, we shouldn't judge what kinds of foods we eat. Eat what you enjoy, what makes you happy and feel good. If some days, that's 3 pieces of cake, that's fine. And if on other days it's spaghetti bolognese, well then that's okay too.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Journal Entry and Sweet Challenge Update
First, the update!
As much as the disordered part of my mind wants to continue, I am putting a stop to the Sweets Challenge. It is an exercise in restriction for me and I have found myself going down a bad path. I admitted to myself that I really was doing the "challenge" in an effort to cut out "bad" foods and hopefully lose some weight.
Fail.
So, going forward, my plan is to put less emphasis on exactly what I am eating and try to be more laid back about my choices. My journal entries will be a little less structured to help relax my obsessive tendencies. Let me know any thoughts on the change in structure.
Breakfast
Overnight oatmeal w/peanut butter
Pepsi
Snack
Fruit and nut granola bar
Still drinking my Pepsi. I love to sip on drinks throughout the day.
Lunch
Leftover breaded chicken thighs with cheese ravioli and spaghetti sauce. Yum!
Oh, and the Pepsi is still in action. :) I also have been drinking water. I have always been a big drinker. Not like that!
Snack
Anniversary party at work. I had a piece of cake and a snack-size bag of chips. Ehh. This is one of those moments where you eat the food that is there but I really wasn't into it. Ironic, since cake is one of my favorite things.*
Second Snack (this reminded me of the Hobbits in LOTR)
Trail mix. Obviously cake and chips are not the most filling snack.
Late afternoon snack
It's about 5pm and I won't eat dinner for at least 2-3 more hours. I try not to snack mindlessly at work but grab a cheese stick to tide over the creeping hunger until I can have dinner.**
Dinner
Kielbasa, baked beans and seasoned steak fries. Dinner is probably my least favorite meal because it's a chaotic time of day and I'm tired. I have taken to eating fairly small servings and sometimes have an evening snack. This evening, I wasn't hungry and this was my last food of the day!
*I almost wrote, "Cake is one of my weaknesses." But that is an absurd statement. Cake is not part of me. It does not make me weak.
**I feel like I just made a bunch of excuses for my need to eat a CHEESE STICK. Really? Really?
As much as the disordered part of my mind wants to continue, I am putting a stop to the Sweets Challenge. It is an exercise in restriction for me and I have found myself going down a bad path. I admitted to myself that I really was doing the "challenge" in an effort to cut out "bad" foods and hopefully lose some weight.
Fail.
So, going forward, my plan is to put less emphasis on exactly what I am eating and try to be more laid back about my choices. My journal entries will be a little less structured to help relax my obsessive tendencies. Let me know any thoughts on the change in structure.
Breakfast
Overnight oatmeal w/peanut butter
Pepsi
Snack
Fruit and nut granola bar
Still drinking my Pepsi. I love to sip on drinks throughout the day.
Lunch
Leftover breaded chicken thighs with cheese ravioli and spaghetti sauce. Yum!
Oh, and the Pepsi is still in action. :) I also have been drinking water. I have always been a big drinker. Not like that!
Snack
Anniversary party at work. I had a piece of cake and a snack-size bag of chips. Ehh. This is one of those moments where you eat the food that is there but I really wasn't into it. Ironic, since cake is one of my favorite things.*
Second Snack (this reminded me of the Hobbits in LOTR)
Trail mix. Obviously cake and chips are not the most filling snack.
Late afternoon snack
It's about 5pm and I won't eat dinner for at least 2-3 more hours. I try not to snack mindlessly at work but grab a cheese stick to tide over the creeping hunger until I can have dinner.**
Dinner
Kielbasa, baked beans and seasoned steak fries. Dinner is probably my least favorite meal because it's a chaotic time of day and I'm tired. I have taken to eating fairly small servings and sometimes have an evening snack. This evening, I wasn't hungry and this was my last food of the day!
*I almost wrote, "Cake is one of my weaknesses." But that is an absurd statement. Cake is not part of me. It does not make me weak.
**I feel like I just made a bunch of excuses for my need to eat a CHEESE STICK. Really? Really?
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Journal Entry: Sweets Challenge Day 3
9:30am
Arrive at work. Have my premade overnight oatmeal ready to go and my requisite cup of tea. Ahhh. I eat about 3/4 of the oatmeal and am fully, will enjoy my tea throughout the morning.
11:00am
Hungry again, decide to finish oatmeal!
12:15pm
Hungry for lunch. Have some more leftover pasta from earlier in the week.
12:35pm
Having strong sweets cravings. As an experiment, I have one piece of chocolate to see if that satisfies me. (Normally, one is not enough and the cravings become worse). Also open my diet soda for the day for a little pick-me-up.
12:37pm
Rats. One piece is definitely not enough. Going to try some distraction because I am really not hungry at the moment.
I would just like to point out that I have noticed at least 3 candy jars between me and the bathroom. Not that I was counting.
2:15pm
Getting hungry, know I will be heading to the gym soon. Rats, I just remembered I ate a granola bar recently, don't remember when. Please note that my dear 7 month old got up about every 2-3 hours all night last night. I think fatigue is definitely making my sugar cravings and hunger in general much worse. I have caved and gotten 2 more pieces of chocolate in the hopes of a littl energy boost/increased gym motivation.
2:40pm
Decide I am just too tired to make it to the gym so I decide on a walk outside since the weather is nice. I think this was a good effort in what I like to call "intuitive exercising". It appears I made the right choice because I returned feeling invigorated and refreshed.
4:00pm
Back from my walk and very hungry. Wanting something carby as usual for an afternoon snack. Because I'm an idiot, I don't have any of these snacks available to myself.* Off to the vending machines I go. I initially decide on a cinnamon danish thing but then notice the premade sandwiches. These scare me a little but I've never heard any incidents at work so decide on a chicken salad sandwich. I feel totally satisfied after I eat it!
*As I have mentioned before, I tend towards restriction. I am starting to think this whole "sweets challenge" was really a masked attempt at restriction/diet behavior. I keep my snacks at work to a minimum, almost in an attempt not to eat too much, and then end up hungry. It's a weird cycle. The struggle is still my huge fear of weight gain/lack of weight loss and how to make peace with food, body image, and probably irrational fear.
Arrive at work. Have my premade overnight oatmeal ready to go and my requisite cup of tea. Ahhh. I eat about 3/4 of the oatmeal and am fully, will enjoy my tea throughout the morning.
11:00am
Hungry again, decide to finish oatmeal!
12:15pm
Hungry for lunch. Have some more leftover pasta from earlier in the week.
12:35pm
Having strong sweets cravings. As an experiment, I have one piece of chocolate to see if that satisfies me. (Normally, one is not enough and the cravings become worse). Also open my diet soda for the day for a little pick-me-up.
12:37pm
Rats. One piece is definitely not enough. Going to try some distraction because I am really not hungry at the moment.
I would just like to point out that I have noticed at least 3 candy jars between me and the bathroom. Not that I was counting.
2:15pm
Getting hungry, know I will be heading to the gym soon. Rats, I just remembered I ate a granola bar recently, don't remember when. Please note that my dear 7 month old got up about every 2-3 hours all night last night. I think fatigue is definitely making my sugar cravings and hunger in general much worse. I have caved and gotten 2 more pieces of chocolate in the hopes of a littl energy boost/increased gym motivation.
2:40pm
Decide I am just too tired to make it to the gym so I decide on a walk outside since the weather is nice. I think this was a good effort in what I like to call "intuitive exercising". It appears I made the right choice because I returned feeling invigorated and refreshed.
4:00pm
Back from my walk and very hungry. Wanting something carby as usual for an afternoon snack. Because I'm an idiot, I don't have any of these snacks available to myself.* Off to the vending machines I go. I initially decide on a cinnamon danish thing but then notice the premade sandwiches. These scare me a little but I've never heard any incidents at work so decide on a chicken salad sandwich. I feel totally satisfied after I eat it!
*As I have mentioned before, I tend towards restriction. I am starting to think this whole "sweets challenge" was really a masked attempt at restriction/diet behavior. I keep my snacks at work to a minimum, almost in an attempt not to eat too much, and then end up hungry. It's a weird cycle. The struggle is still my huge fear of weight gain/lack of weight loss and how to make peace with food, body image, and probably irrational fear.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
What IE is not, and a challenge.
Read this great post by Christie Inge for a good explanation on what Intuitive Eating isn't.
I definitely struggle with the line between just eating whatever and being more intuitive. I think, after years of dieting, you develop this all-or-nothing mentality; either you are dieting or you are eating whatever, whenever. This obviously is not intuitive. As I have mentioned previously, this is especially difficult for me when it comes to sweet treats. I have a strong emotional attachment to them and don't always eat them in an intuitive manner.
Example: last night after dinner, I sat down to have some Oreos and milk. I had eaten probably 6-8 before I realized it and barely even tasted them. NOT intuitive.
So.
I am issuing myself a challenge. I am going to keep it modest so as to not overwhelm myself.
24 hours with no sweets. I am hoping to go longer than this but I know discomfort will set in by this afternoon. I will do a journal entry to keep track of my day and really see where my feelings are, how much I am masking them with food, and really dig into the stress reactions I get when I choose not to eat sweets.
Here goes nothing...
I definitely struggle with the line between just eating whatever and being more intuitive. I think, after years of dieting, you develop this all-or-nothing mentality; either you are dieting or you are eating whatever, whenever. This obviously is not intuitive. As I have mentioned previously, this is especially difficult for me when it comes to sweet treats. I have a strong emotional attachment to them and don't always eat them in an intuitive manner.
Example: last night after dinner, I sat down to have some Oreos and milk. I had eaten probably 6-8 before I realized it and barely even tasted them. NOT intuitive.
So.
I am issuing myself a challenge. I am going to keep it modest so as to not overwhelm myself.
24 hours with no sweets. I am hoping to go longer than this but I know discomfort will set in by this afternoon. I will do a journal entry to keep track of my day and really see where my feelings are, how much I am masking them with food, and really dig into the stress reactions I get when I choose not to eat sweets.
Here goes nothing...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Morality of food.
(trigger alert)
I had this internal conversation with myself yesterday:
"I really should give up soda. It would be an easy way to cut calories and it's really not good for me. I should just stick to tea. Huh. If I drink coffee with cream and sugar, isn't that the same amount of calories as a soda, or maybe more? But coffee has "health benefits". Tea and coffee are always seen as "good for you" and soda is bad..but I like soda, dammit! What's so bad about it?"
I then asked my husband to "indulge my neuroses" and asked him why food is so morally weighted. He responded thusly (keep in mind there is some humor meant):
"You've never been to Europe, right? In America, if I'm at a bar and there is last call and I think about having one more drink, someone will say, 'Are you sure you should have another one?' When I was in Estonia and this happened, my friends would say, 'Well, why shouldn't you have another?' The Europeans shipped all the Puritans over here and we are stuck with those leftover values. If it feels good, it must be bad for you. Especially for women, you shouldn't indulge or enjoy things too much, whether food, alcohol, or sex. It's unseemly. But, in my opinion, food is food and life is short."
Huh.
I had never thought about how much cultural values really affect my daily behavior (I mean, really, who thinks about sociology on a daily basis?) But it really is true. Think about people who live life on a large scale; they enjoy their food, they may be a tad raucous/tacky, they enjoy a drink and may even come across as very sexual beings. These kinds of people make us uncomfortable. Growing up, I learned not to be "too much", whether too loud, sexy, or, of course, fat. What's funny is that I am at the heaviest weight of my life and my husband loves my body. He wants me to be sexy and enjoy life and food and not worry so much. I think it can be really difficult to break through these ingrained ideas, especially if their are propagated by family, friends, or the media in general.
So, I try to continue being as intuitive as possible and be caring for my body by honoring my cravings, hungers, or hankerings and not feel one bit of guilt. It almost feels like giving myself a hug.
I had this internal conversation with myself yesterday:
"I really should give up soda. It would be an easy way to cut calories and it's really not good for me. I should just stick to tea. Huh. If I drink coffee with cream and sugar, isn't that the same amount of calories as a soda, or maybe more? But coffee has "health benefits". Tea and coffee are always seen as "good for you" and soda is bad..but I like soda, dammit! What's so bad about it?"
I then asked my husband to "indulge my neuroses" and asked him why food is so morally weighted. He responded thusly (keep in mind there is some humor meant):
"You've never been to Europe, right? In America, if I'm at a bar and there is last call and I think about having one more drink, someone will say, 'Are you sure you should have another one?' When I was in Estonia and this happened, my friends would say, 'Well, why shouldn't you have another?' The Europeans shipped all the Puritans over here and we are stuck with those leftover values. If it feels good, it must be bad for you. Especially for women, you shouldn't indulge or enjoy things too much, whether food, alcohol, or sex. It's unseemly. But, in my opinion, food is food and life is short."
Huh.
I had never thought about how much cultural values really affect my daily behavior (I mean, really, who thinks about sociology on a daily basis?) But it really is true. Think about people who live life on a large scale; they enjoy their food, they may be a tad raucous/tacky, they enjoy a drink and may even come across as very sexual beings. These kinds of people make us uncomfortable. Growing up, I learned not to be "too much", whether too loud, sexy, or, of course, fat. What's funny is that I am at the heaviest weight of my life and my husband loves my body. He wants me to be sexy and enjoy life and food and not worry so much. I think it can be really difficult to break through these ingrained ideas, especially if their are propagated by family, friends, or the media in general.
So, I try to continue being as intuitive as possible and be caring for my body by honoring my cravings, hungers, or hankerings and not feel one bit of guilt. It almost feels like giving myself a hug.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Guilt.
As a woman, I have a lot of guilt.
Working mom guilt, only child guilt, lack of exercise guilt, food guilt.
It sucks.
How do you get away from it?
My husband says I need to be more assertive and take more time for me.
What a concept.
Why is it that women have such a hard time taking care of ourselves? Shouldn't this be part of mindfulness? By being more mindful, I should be more aware that I am not taking care of myself. I am overly tired, stressed, and sore. But I hate asking for help, whether with my baby, my work, or my mental health. I feel guilty for "burdening" someone else with my needs. I then end up self-soothing with food and, guess what? More guilt!
I'm tired just typing about it. Oh, and I feel guilty for not realizing all of this and taking better care of myself.
So.
I am going to make a concerted effort to check in with myself more often and ask, "What do you need?" (Isn't that what being intuitive is all about?) Hopefully I can figure it out, take action, and ask for assistance when that's what I do need.
Working mom guilt, only child guilt, lack of exercise guilt, food guilt.
It sucks.
How do you get away from it?
My husband says I need to be more assertive and take more time for me.
What a concept.
Why is it that women have such a hard time taking care of ourselves? Shouldn't this be part of mindfulness? By being more mindful, I should be more aware that I am not taking care of myself. I am overly tired, stressed, and sore. But I hate asking for help, whether with my baby, my work, or my mental health. I feel guilty for "burdening" someone else with my needs. I then end up self-soothing with food and, guess what? More guilt!
I'm tired just typing about it. Oh, and I feel guilty for not realizing all of this and taking better care of myself.
So.
I am going to make a concerted effort to check in with myself more often and ask, "What do you need?" (Isn't that what being intuitive is all about?) Hopefully I can figure it out, take action, and ask for assistance when that's what I do need.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Roadblocks to IE
In Intuitive Eating, you are encouraged to eat what you want, when you want. This is a scary concept for a lot of people, including me. There are a few reasons for this:
- You don't know what you want. Suddenly, the world of food is wide open. Too many choices! It can be like tightrope walking without a net.
- You don't know when you're hungry. Dieting and disordered eating can really mess up your hunger cues. I have found that just trying your best is the safest!
- You have food habits that are not in line with IE. You always eat breakfast or dessert, even if you are not hungry. You like to drink soda, even though it has no nutritional value.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Normalizing food.
In IE and HAES, food is not really supposed to have a value: good, bad, healthy, unhealthy. It's just food.
Well.
Anyone that has a history of dieting or disordered eating knows this can be very far from where we are. One practice is to simply eat the foods until you don't want them anymore (not necessarily gorging yourself but just eating them regularly until they lose their appeal).
I have been doing this lately, and it's terrifying.
Your irrational mind tells you that you will never stop eating it and you will get FAT.
Nevertheless, I kept on doing it. Every time over the last week that I have wanted candy or soda, I have had it.
I didn't gain weight.
And now, I am disinterested. I also do know that if I become interested, I will have some.
But, wow.
Well.
Anyone that has a history of dieting or disordered eating knows this can be very far from where we are. One practice is to simply eat the foods until you don't want them anymore (not necessarily gorging yourself but just eating them regularly until they lose their appeal).
I have been doing this lately, and it's terrifying.
Your irrational mind tells you that you will never stop eating it and you will get FAT.
Nevertheless, I kept on doing it. Every time over the last week that I have wanted candy or soda, I have had it.
I didn't gain weight.
And now, I am disinterested. I also do know that if I become interested, I will have some.
But, wow.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Setback.
Well, I guess that's how it goes. Ironic since my last post was a step forward. One step forward, one step back sometimes.
Here's what happened: I had a "fat" day. I have not been able to exercise very consistently in the last week or so because my dear child keeps changing her sleep schedule. Two nights ago, she thought she'd have a party from 1-4am! When I don't exercise, a little switch in my head gets flipped and I start obsessing about my food intake and worrying I must be gaining weight. Irrational, I know. I also gave birth only four months ago! *headdesk*
I started demonizing my favorite foods--sweets. I decided I must CUT IT OUT. Smart, I know. I even deleted this blog, thinking that IE must be for weenies and I needed to toughen up and cut out the foods I love the most. Yes, I can be a tad impulsive. :)
This morning, I had a realization about how much I abuse my body. I insult it, dislike it, restrict its food intake and try to control its every move. I diminish its needs by thinking I am too self-absorbed in even worrying about it. I cause myself so much undue stress worrying about gaining weight. I put that in italics to emphasis its dramatic nature and how ridiculous it must really be.
So, I am currently enjoying a candy bar because my body was craving it, despite my trying to please it with other, "healthier" options. And I will enjoy every last bit of it. My new goal is to enjoy my life, my body, my food, and my exercise instead of abusing, diminishing, and demeaning it.
Here's what happened: I had a "fat" day. I have not been able to exercise very consistently in the last week or so because my dear child keeps changing her sleep schedule. Two nights ago, she thought she'd have a party from 1-4am! When I don't exercise, a little switch in my head gets flipped and I start obsessing about my food intake and worrying I must be gaining weight. Irrational, I know. I also gave birth only four months ago! *headdesk*
I started demonizing my favorite foods--sweets. I decided I must CUT IT OUT. Smart, I know. I even deleted this blog, thinking that IE must be for weenies and I needed to toughen up and cut out the foods I love the most. Yes, I can be a tad impulsive. :)
This morning, I had a realization about how much I abuse my body. I insult it, dislike it, restrict its food intake and try to control its every move. I diminish its needs by thinking I am too self-absorbed in even worrying about it. I cause myself so much undue stress worrying about gaining weight. I put that in italics to emphasis its dramatic nature and how ridiculous it must really be.
So, I am currently enjoying a candy bar because my body was craving it, despite my trying to please it with other, "healthier" options. And I will enjoy every last bit of it. My new goal is to enjoy my life, my body, my food, and my exercise instead of abusing, diminishing, and demeaning it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
A Corner Turned
On one of the hallway file cabinets at work, there sits a candy dish. It is filled daily with different candies. I have had a variety of reactions to the dish:
"Ooh, I really want a fun-size Snickers but I really shouldn't!"
"Delicious candy, nom nom!"
Today, however, was different.
I walked by the dish and saw my favorite candy: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I felt my eyes widen and went to grab one. Then, I stopped and realized I wasn't hungry and didn't really want any candy, so I continued on my way. It wasn't until I had walked a few steps that I realized the shift.
Normally, I would almost never pass up such an opportunity, fearful they wouldn't be there again, or at least have some kind of guilty, self-denying reaction. Instead, I just felt uninterested and happily continued my day.
Baby steps, folks. :)
"Ooh, I really want a fun-size Snickers but I really shouldn't!"
"Delicious candy, nom nom!"
Today, however, was different.
I walked by the dish and saw my favorite candy: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I felt my eyes widen and went to grab one. Then, I stopped and realized I wasn't hungry and didn't really want any candy, so I continued on my way. It wasn't until I had walked a few steps that I realized the shift.
Normally, I would almost never pass up such an opportunity, fearful they wouldn't be there again, or at least have some kind of guilty, self-denying reaction. Instead, I just felt uninterested and happily continued my day.
Baby steps, folks. :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
"Good" food vs. "bad" food
Ahh, the eternal debate.
I am definitely of the opinion that there is no such thing as moral value for food. Now, just because I have this opinion doesn't mean I always practice it. It can be very challenging to not have a reaction to eating the salad versus the burger or having the cake over the fruit cup. If you have dieted, you know the significant values (Points, anyone?) placed on food.
If you want to value food at all, I definitely support the notion of looking at what may be good or bad for you. This means what foods make you feel good, which ones make you sick, or which ones you just plain don't like. For example, for me good foods include:
Apples
Salad
Cheese
Cake
Ice Cream
Hot dogs
Bad foods (particularly ones that upset my stomach) include:
Milk
Green peppers
Chewy fruit candies (Mike & Ike's)
Most frozen vegetables
Beans
Obviously, they are morally "heavy" foods on both lists but some "healthy" foods make me sick. I find this an easier and less stressful perspective to take with food, as it forces me to look at my own needs and limitations as opposed to societal values on food.
I am definitely of the opinion that there is no such thing as moral value for food. Now, just because I have this opinion doesn't mean I always practice it. It can be very challenging to not have a reaction to eating the salad versus the burger or having the cake over the fruit cup. If you have dieted, you know the significant values (Points, anyone?) placed on food.
If you want to value food at all, I definitely support the notion of looking at what may be good or bad for you. This means what foods make you feel good, which ones make you sick, or which ones you just plain don't like. For example, for me good foods include:
Apples
Salad
Cheese
Cake
Ice Cream
Hot dogs
Bad foods (particularly ones that upset my stomach) include:
Milk
Green peppers
Chewy fruit candies (Mike & Ike's)
Most frozen vegetables
Beans
Obviously, they are morally "heavy" foods on both lists but some "healthy" foods make me sick. I find this an easier and less stressful perspective to take with food, as it forces me to look at my own needs and limitations as opposed to societal values on food.
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