Food Valuation, and a rant.

The other day, I caught myself thinking it would be better to eat more fruit before eating a "less healthy" snack. I immediately put away the fruit and pulled out the snack I wanted. It's disappointing to me that I still catch myself valuing food in this manner. I guess it's a good sign I am recognizing it and will be a work in progress.

This next section is kind of a personal rant. I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings, just my perspective.

There are a lot of food blogs out there. A lot of them focus on "healthy eating". You will also notice that a lot of these blogs are written by folks who self-disclose a history of disordered eating. They also may talk about being vegan, vegetarian, or whatnot. While I have no problem with any of this in theory, if you look closely you will notice a lot of diet talk hidden within the recipes and pretty meal pictures. White sugar gets demonized and oils are eliminated as much as possible. Strenuous workouts are also reported.

I used to enjoy some of these blogs but the more I read them, the more triggering I found them. I think it's really irresponsible to tout "healthy eating" or whatever but then intermix diet or fat talk and calorie counts, etc. I know these blogs aren't set up to be therapeutic or claim to be user-friendly and aren't intended to be negative but it frustrates me when the writers disclose their disordered histories and are still encouraging calorie cutting or food substitutions. It just seems misleading.

End of rant. :)

Enjoying Working Out

Exercise, body movement, workouts, whatever you want to call it. I always hated the word "exercise". Probably because it always followed "diet".

I have really been enjoying working out lately. Part of this can be attributed to working out with my dear husband; my last two workout classes have been cancelled. It's a great way to spend time together as a couple and I am really enjoying the workouts. My husband used to be in the military so he knows how to get in a good workout!

After the workout, I felt really good. I even felt I was eating more intuitively instead of being anxious about my food choices. I think this is an important insight and a good way to check in if I do start feeling anxious or insecure (when was my last workout?). Even just a few times a week makes a big difference in my mental health.

What activities make you feel good, physically and mentally?

Enjoying Food.

I am making a concerted effort to eat thing I LIKE.

What a concept!

I have always loved food. I like to eat, I snack a lot, and I get excited about food. While I love sweets especially, I can appreciate and crave all kinds of food.

For example, I had a chicken salad for breakfast this morning. And it was good.

I think we don't take enough time to appreciate our food. Often, we are afraid of it: afraid of the calories/carbs/fats/blah blah blah. We are afraid of what people will think (when we eat salad for breakfast).

We need to let it go.

Try to make a concerted effort to pay attention (mindfulness, yay!) when you are eating today.
Does your food taste good?
Does it make you happy?
Was that a yummy noise I heard?
Did you just do the happy food dance?
(yes, I have been known to do the last two)

It makes me happy when my food makes me happy. I know I am nourishing my body and my spirit and feeling no guilt. Don't get me wrong, food happiness is NOT just for salad (it better not be!).

I plan to do a happy food dance with my peanut butter cup after lunch. :)

Know Thyself.

(trigger alert: good amount of diet talk and other triggering thoughts I've been having. Please also note these are thoughts about me only and do not necessarily apply to you or any struggles you are having. We are each individuals and different things work for different people.)

I had another deep conversation with the dear husband last night. I talked about my struggles with my trainer, how I opened that Pandora's box during a weak moment, and how I am continuing to struggle with feelings of guilt versus feelings of rebellion. I have this feeling of wanting to be the "perfect student" versus the rebel; I want to exercise effectively every time (or every day) and eat "on plan" and lose weight and "work to my full potential". However, when I think about doing or try to do these things, I get resentful and find myself overeating or not exercising at all, rebelling against all the ideas I know aren't good for me.

Obviously, neither of these extremes are healthy. There is a healthy middle place where I can move my body in a healthy way, for the goal of health, and eat intuitively but treat myself gently in more fragile moments. As I told my husband, "I just want to live my life," instead of feeling captive by disordered thoughts.

I need to understand that, even if I want to be the model workout and diet person and follow a meal plan, I simply can't. I have an eating disorder and I know that it's not healthy for me to be strict about my eating or really think too much about it at all. I also know I can only exercise when my body feels up to it instead of trying to fit myself in to a set schedule. There are parts of me that still need a lot of healing and may never fit back together the way they started. I need to give myself permission to be okay, not be okay, and just be, sometimes.

IE Trigger-Busters and other tips

I am still going strong with IE these days. I love the feeling of not perseverating on my food choice and feeling good about what I'm eating. Self-care and self-appreciation/increased confidence is still a work in progress but I am trying to be alert to this.

One challenge I face regularly with IE is the fact that, because of my work schedule, I eat most of my meals away from home. I find this difficult because my food choices have to be preplanned, I eat in front of others and may have to listen to their food issues, and almost anything purchased (fast food, vending machine item) lists nutrition facts. I am going to make a little "trigger buster" list of things I've found helpful in dealing with away-from-home IE:

IE Trigger Busters

1. Having to plan to eat away from home: I have a large lunch bag and also a snack drawer at work. This helps with keeping a good variety of options on hand. I also give myself permission to go out for lunch or buy a snack if I have a specific strong craving or really don't like my premade choices.
2. Eating in front of others: This can be embarrassing. People tend to be curious (nosy) and comment on my food options. I try to have a sense of humor about this and/or ignore them as best I can. I just focus on the fact that I like my food choice and am enjoying it. It's not their food!
3. Hearing triggering talk: This is a regular struggle for me. I work with a lot of women so it can be hard to avoid diet/fat talk. I am not terribly comfortable with challenging this (working on it!) so I typically disengage from the conversation at this point to protect myself and nonverbally communicate I'm not interesting in participating in such a group conversation. I also try to remind myself that it is someone else's issue to deal with, not mine.
4. Nutrition information: I HATE that almost any food has the nutrition information listed boldly on the package. I understand that some people appreciate this but I find it extremely triggering and guilt-inducing. Particularly with sweets, I have started ripping off the packaging with the nutrition facts and throwing it away without looking at it. This has been really helpful for me in eliminating food guilt and enjoying my snack.

Journal Entry: New "Meal Plan"

My trainer gave me my new "meal plan". I put it in quotations because that's how I like to think of it. I will NOT be following it to the letter and I will not be considering it a diet. I will not be posting the details of it here either but thought I'd do a journal entry based on my first day winging it (I need to grocery shop and don't have a lot of the recommended foods).

Breakfast
Recommended as one possible breakfast was a high-fiber cereal and skim milk. I am mildly lactose intolerant so I don't drink milk and, even if I did, skim milk is loathsome. I only had Cinnamon Toast Crunch on hand so I had a smallish bowl of that with plain soy milk and a cup of unsweetened green tea. I wasn't really that hungry for breakfast because I woke up with a hormonal migraine. I also had about 1/4 can of Pepsi to help with the migraine (regular soda does wonders). As you can imagine, soda is outlawed on the "meal plan". I will try to avoid it just due to the extra sugar but will drink it as I feel led.

Midmorning snack
I didn't have this.

Lunch
PB&J sandwich on wheat bread with a side of broccoli with salsa on it. I also had a small cup of soy milk for "dessert" as milk was recommended at lunch. This was actually a really good lunch and I felt full after. The milk was a nice ending since it was a little sweet.

Snack
Protein bar or shake is recommended. I had a protein shake. Blergh. I need to get some bars I think.

Dinner
Salad with chicken and assorted veggies, raspberry vinagrette dressing. This was really enjoyable. I also had an apple cinnamon muffin on the side with some butter (not on "MP", oh no!) for some carbs because I despise the recommended brown rice. Sue me.

An evening snack is recommended (actually lists a few cookies or something). I may have one later if I'm hungry. Currently enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea and relaxing while the baby naps. I am looking forward to eating more fresh items as recommended and less processed sweets that leave me hungry afterwards. I am hoping to blend the "MP" with intuitive eating and find a happy, healthy medium for myself. My husband and MIL are keeping a close eye on me to make sure I don't become obsessive or restrictive as they will pull the plug immediately. I'll keep you updated on my progress and adjustments!

Fullness.

Lately, I have really been relishing the feeling of fullness. Not the "ohmygod I ate too much blergh..." but that warm, heavy belly feeling after eating a good meal.

I can't remember feeling this before in my life. And that makes me sad.

I always ate "just enough" or not enough, or way too much. I sometimes felt like I was starving myself and other times couldn't eat enough to fill the black pit inside. I think I still tend to restrict, overestimating what I eat in a day. I don't eat enough fat or protein regularly. When I do, I feel much better and much fuller.

Lately, I have been trying to eat to fullness. Sometimes the amount of food it takes horrifies me but I will continue to do this until I can normalize it in my own mind.

It is okay to eat.

It is okay to feel full.

Fullness does not equal fatness.

And it is okay to take care of myself.

Emotional Eating: A 31-Day Challenge

(It would have been 30 but I technically started yesterday!)

Emotional Eating.

I have talked about it before. It is a big problem for me. I eat when I'm hungry, tired, sad, happy, bored, excited. I eat because I want a treat, I went to run an errand, or something good or bad happened. My go-to emotional foods are sweets. Candy and pastries of any kind, primarily. On Friday, I ate a king-size bag of peanut butter M&Ms. I wasn't hungry; my rationale was that I had my period and, therefore, should eat them.

Makes sense, right? Ha.

This is obviously very far from eating intuitively and has caused me to gain even more weight. I know this is not my natural state because I know I have been overeating and emotionally eating to an unhealthy degree. I eat regularly when I am not hungry and just to "numb out". This is especially difficult at work when I can get bored and snacks are very on-hand.

So.

A challenge. 31 days worth. No sweets at all. While I don't feel like I will really be depriving myself (I've gotten more than my fair share of sweets lately!), I am a little nervous about what will happen when I get tired or bored, particularly at work. I am going to try and discover some replacement habits, such as having a cup of tea or walking away from my desk for a few minutes. I am going to Target to stock up on other snacks today to make sure I don't get hungry. I hope to keep up a similar habit of what I ate yesterday:

half bagel with butter and cup of tea
leftover chicken mole
Dr. Pepper (tapering back off to avoid headache!)
apple with melted cheese
hot dogs, beans, cabbage and potatoes
applesauce

As I mentioned before, I had a pretty easy time since I was at home. I was never overly hungry and didn't really have any bad moments. After dinner was the hardest but I tried to get creative and really make sure I was hungry.

1 day down, 30 to go!

"Normal Eating"

"Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stopping eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along with way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

       Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings."~Ellyn Satter (source)

I love this quote. I need to come back and read it regularly. If you haven't noticed, I have been a tad obsessive about my eating habits lately. Overanalyzing what/when/how much and nitpicking my body's responses. In relation to my recent low-sugar crusade, that was a crash and burn and, guess what? I feel fine. I have eliminated soda from my diet but only because I didn't want it anymore; I just no longer found it appealing. It is a huge struggle not to feel self-righteous about it and think I'm doing something "good".

Dieting always drove me batty (imagine that!) because I became so obsessive about the dieting. I would be really "successful" but, as expected, would put weight back on as soon as I stopped dieting. I think I am abusing IE in this way; focusing way too closely on everything I eat and spending too much time in my head. In the last few days, my eating habits have been all over the place but I have felt physically fine and not guilty about what I ate. So, at least for a bit, you may see less actual journal entries as I take a break for my own wellness.

When Food Makes You Feel Bad

While I was pregnant, I developed Gestational Diabetes. It wasn't a serious case and was easily managed by my diet. I am typically hypoglycemic and they think this may have had an effect.

Before I was diagnosed officially, I was definitely symptomatic. In the morning especially, if I had something too sugary (soda) or too carb-heavy (oatmeal), my heart would race. After the dietary adjustments, these symptoms went away.

7 months postpartum, they have returned.

I have always been a heavy carb eater because that was always the easiest way to control my blood sugar. I also love sweets (as you well know). But now it seems to be affecting me negatively.

My food is making me feel bad. Physically.

So.

My plan is to go back to somewhat of the GD diet. Less simple carbs, more protein. I think this is a really important part of IE. It can be easy to eat what is comforting or just "sounds good". But listening to your body more closely can tell you some interesting things.

Worse things

Last night, I had several desserts. I was doing the typical, oh, this will be the last day I have snacks, none tomorrow. Might as well enjoy! I was thinking also that no one would notice (lovely eating in secret behavior). I was wrong. This is conversation between me and my mother-in-law:

MIL: Oh, having Oreos?
Me: Yep.
MIL: Yum! Okay, going to do the dishes. (doing dishes) Oh, did you have ice cream too?
Me: (cringe)...yep.
MIL: Okay.
Me: Yeah. Worse things have happened.

My MIL couldn't care less that I had two desserts. She knows about my history and is very supportive.

My last statement totally struck me. Wow, there are worse things than eating two desserts. Lots of things. And it's not a big deal to eat one dessert, two, or none. It's just eating and it's just food. Worse things can happen.

Journal Entry: Sweets Challenge

9:30am
Arrive at work. Decide on a caffeinated orange spiced tea (yum!). I have some overnight oatmeal* packed. I eat about half the oatmeal over the next hour and decide I'm full, so put it away for later. I also sip on water throughout the morning.

10:30am
Write previous blog post. Realize I have packed 3 mini candy bars in my lunch. I go put them in the community candy jar for others to enjoy.

11:50am
Hungry for lunch. Have some leftover pasta with meat sauce packed. Eat all of it and feel full. This is the first time of day I am usually having sugar cravings; ate something savory, now wanting something sweet. To counter this, I am going to try a cup of peppermint chamomile tea. Mmm.

1:10pm
Getting sleeeepy and very hungry. Tried to wait since it hasn't been long since lunch. Perhaps I need larger lunches? Hmm. Open a diet soda and granola bar. It's technically a peanut butter/dark chocolate one but I don't really count granola bars in the "sweets" category.

1:20pm
Still a little hungry although a bit perkier! Decide to have some mixed nuts as I'm feeling the need for some protein. Definitely need to work on higher protein lunches as I always feel much fuller. Discover I do not like Brazil nuts. Bleh.

3:30pm
Back from short gym workout. Decide to finish my oatmeal from breakfast!

4:05pm
The dreaded boredom. 2 hours left in my work day. Getting the munchies. Not hungry so will try and sip my soda or leftover tea and distract myself.

5:05pm
Actually hungry. Rats. This time of day, I usually crave sweet, carby foods (sweets, perhaps?!) I decide on trail mix (non-candy kind), a good mix of sweet, salty, and protein!

7:30pm
Dinner time. Stew with a flaky buttered biscuit. Dinner isn't usually a big deal for me; usually not terribly hungry and a really busy time of day.

10:00pm
Hungry. Got baby down. Typically a sweet snack time of day. I struggled trying to find something that sounded good but wasn't a "dessert" item. Tried to tune into my cravings. Glass of milk, check. Biscuit, check. Slice of salami, check. Sounds random but hit the spot and I wasn't hungry anymore!

Overall, today seemed fairly easy. I will continue this challenge day by day and put some more journal entries up. I find they help me really stop and think about my choices since I'll be documenting them.


*Overnight oatmeal is a recipe I have found online in various incarnations. Basically, you take oatmeal, some kind of milk, and any kind of fixings (I use banana and a nut butter). You mix them together and put it in the fridge overnight. In the morning, the oatmeal has absorbed the milk and is ready to eat.

What IE is not, and a challenge.

Read this great post by Christie Inge for a good explanation on what Intuitive Eating isn't.

I definitely struggle with the line between just eating whatever and being more intuitive. I think, after years of dieting, you develop this all-or-nothing mentality; either you are dieting or you are eating whatever, whenever. This obviously is not intuitive. As I have mentioned previously, this is especially difficult for me when it comes to sweet treats. I have a strong emotional attachment to them and don't always eat them in an intuitive manner.

Example: last night after dinner, I sat down to have some Oreos and milk. I had eaten probably 6-8 before I realized it and barely even tasted them. NOT intuitive.

So.

I am issuing myself a challenge. I am going to keep it modest so as to not overwhelm myself.

24 hours with no sweets. I am hoping to go longer than this but I know discomfort will set in by this afternoon. I will do a journal entry to keep track of my day and really see where my feelings are, how much I am masking them with food, and really dig into the stress reactions I get when I choose not to eat sweets.

Here goes nothing...

IE fears

In psychology, there is a term called "all or nothing thinking". It is pretty much what it sounds like; something happens all the time or never.

In IE, this can be a fear in the sense of being afraid you will do something all the time:

If I let myself eat whatever I want, I will want sweets all the time.
If I practice IE, I will never lose weight again.

The first fear definitely applies to me. Because I have such a sweet tooth, I am afraid I'll never not want cake/ice cream/candies/etc. So, I decided to really see if this was the case by watching my journal while trying really hard to be mindful and eat intuitively. Here's what I ate yesterday:

coffee with milk and sugar
(no breakfast because I got up late)
taquitos with sour cream and salsa
1 square of peppermint chocolate
roll with peanut butter and honey butter
1 Pepsi
2 bratwurst, steak fries, and baked beans
cup of eggnog with whiskey

So.

It appears I had chocolate once and then you could potentially count eggnog as a sweet. But I ate a lot of other things. I am, in fact, not eating sweets all the time.

Sounds kind of silly now, huh?

Morality of food.

(trigger alert)

I had this internal conversation with myself yesterday:
"I really should give up soda. It would be an easy way to cut calories and it's really not good for me. I should just stick to tea. Huh. If I drink coffee with cream and sugar, isn't that the same amount of calories as a soda, or maybe more? But coffee has "health benefits". Tea and coffee are always seen as "good for you" and soda is bad..but I like soda, dammit! What's so bad about it?"

I then asked my husband to "indulge my neuroses" and asked him why food is so morally weighted. He responded thusly (keep in mind there is some humor meant):
"You've never been to Europe, right? In America, if I'm at a bar and there is last call and I think about having one more drink, someone will say, 'Are you sure you should have another one?' When I was in Estonia and this happened, my friends would say, 'Well, why shouldn't you have another?' The Europeans shipped all the Puritans over here and we are stuck with those leftover values. If it feels good, it must be bad for you. Especially for women, you shouldn't indulge or enjoy things too much, whether food, alcohol, or sex. It's unseemly. But, in my opinion, food is food and life is short."

Huh.

I had never thought about how much cultural values really affect my daily behavior (I mean, really, who thinks about sociology on a daily basis?) But it really is true. Think about people who live life on a large scale; they enjoy their food, they may be a tad raucous/tacky, they enjoy a drink and may even come across as very sexual beings. These kinds of people make us uncomfortable. Growing up, I learned not to be "too much", whether too loud, sexy, or, of course, fat. What's funny is that I am at the heaviest weight of my life and my husband loves my body. He wants me to be sexy and enjoy life and food and not worry so much. I think it can be really difficult to break through these ingrained ideas, especially if their are propagated by family, friends, or the media in general.

So, I try to continue being as intuitive as possible and be caring for my body by honoring my cravings, hungers, or hankerings and not feel one bit of guilt. It almost feels like giving myself a hug.

IE Challenge Moment

Today at work, we had our Holiday Luncheon. They have these every year and it's a nice gesture from the company.

For those of us struggling with IE, this can be a huge challenge. Please be aware this post may be a tad triggering.

Here is a list of the food items available:
salad with croutons
3 kinds of dressing
stuffing
cheesy mashed potatoes
sweet potato casserole
green bean casserole
pork
turkey
gravy
biscuits
butter
cornbread
cranberry sauce
vegetarian penne
pumpkin pie
apple pie
danish
brownies
whipped cream

I am just tired and overwhelmed from typing that!

I tried to go in with a plan. I originally was going to avoid dessert but decided to just be as intuitive as possible. Here's what I ate and my reactions:

Salad--I love salad and think it's a great start to a meal and thought some veggies would be a good idea! I avoided the croutons because most croutons suck anyways. I chose an non-creamy Caesar dressing. It was pretty good overall and I wish I had gotten more!

Green bean casserole--I LOVE green bean casserole. I got a small amount because I didn't want to fill up on one thing. Unfortunately, this turned out to be fairly greasy. Blehh. I ate my small amount but it wasn't very good. I probably should have left it on my plate.

Turkey--They served two slices. I also got a bit of gravy. It was average. Turkey isn't my favorite thing anyway but I didn't want pork and wanted some protein with my meal.

Sweet potato casserole--Also, another food I love. Sadly, this was gritty and bready tasting. I left it on my plate.

Cranberries--I got just a taste of this, all I really want of it but I really enjoyed it!

Pumpkin pie--Another favorite with a spoon of whipped cream. It was wonderful and I enjoyed it, although probably didn't need to eat the whole piece.

When I finished, I wasn't really full but I also didn't really enjoy the food beyond the salad, cranberries, and pie. I talked to a coworker who also didn't enjoy the meal. My take is that, because the food is free and it's a special occasion, there is a huge tendency to eat mindlessly. I think I did a fair job of being mindful despite the disappointment of a mediocre meal.

Roadblocks to IE

In Intuitive Eating, you are encouraged to eat what you want, when you want. This is a scary concept for a lot of people, including me. There are a few reasons for this:

1. You don't know what you want. Suddenly, the world of food is wide open. Too many choices! It can be like tightrope walking without a net.
2. You don't know when you're hungry. Dieting and disordered eating can really mess up your hunger cues. I have found that just trying your best is the safest!
3. You have food habits that are not in line with IE. You always eat breakfast or dessert, even if you are not hungry. You like to drink soda, even though it has no nutritional value.

Number 3 is the hardest for me. It takes a large amount of mindfulness to overcome. I really enjoy soda but find that it really spikes my sugar cravings and then this can start a guilt cycle if I "give in". Also, if I don't have soda, I feel deprived. For me, there is a fine line between being mindful and intuitive and not feeling like I am dieting.

Normalizing food.

In IE and HAES, food is not really supposed to have a value: good, bad, healthy, unhealthy. It's just food.

Well.

Anyone that has a history of dieting or disordered eating knows this can be very far from where we are. One practice is to simply eat the foods until you don't want them anymore (not necessarily gorging yourself but just eating them regularly until they lose their appeal).

I have been doing this lately, and it's terrifying.

Your irrational mind tells you that you will never stop eating it and you will get FAT.

Nevertheless, I kept on doing it. Every time over the last week that I have wanted candy or soda, I have had it.

I didn't gain weight.

And now, I am disinterested. I also do know that if I become interested, I will have some.

But, wow.

Listening.

Lately, I have been hearing a very quiet voice in my head.

No, you do not need to call the doctor. :)

It's very quiet but it is commenting on my food choice and my body's reaction to them.

I don't always listen to it, particularly when I'm stressed and wanting to emotionally eat. But when I do listen, I feel more satisfied and like I ate what my body needed, even if it seems like an abnormal choice.

For example, I really crave protein in the morning. I don't have time to make a whole breakfast so I've just been making a sandwich. But that's lunch food, you say! Yes, but it's what works for me right now.

I have also noticed what doesn't work for me. As I mentioned before, too much salt triggers a sugary craving, and vice versa. Soda tends to make me sleepier, despite how much I enjoy the taste. :)  These are definitely things I need to keep in moderation.

A work in progress, for sure. I'll be listening closely in the near future!

A Corner Turned

On one of the hallway file cabinets at work, there sits a candy dish. It is filled daily with different candies. I have had a variety of reactions to the dish:
"Ooh, I really want a fun-size Snickers but I really shouldn't!"
"Delicious candy, nom nom!"

Today, however, was different.

I walked by the dish and saw my favorite candy: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I felt my eyes widen and went to grab one. Then, I stopped and realized I wasn't hungry and didn't really want any candy, so I continued on my way. It wasn't until I had walked a few steps that I realized the shift.

Normally, I would almost never pass up such an opportunity, fearful they wouldn't be there again, or at least have some kind of guilty, self-denying reaction. Instead, I just felt uninterested and happily continued my day.

Baby steps, folks. :)