Failing.

Last night, I almost had another mini-binge. If I had the opportunity, I probably would have. After eating several nighttime sweets, I felt really guilty and bad about myself. I again went back to feelings of wanting to restrict and lose x amount of weight.

Then I looked at my daughter playing on the floor.

I thought about having another child. If I get pregnant again, I'll gain weight again. Even if I lose weight now, it will come back then and I'll have to start all over.

I thought I was supposed to be over this. I was supposed to fix this for her. She can't see this, can't know that I deal with this. She will not go through this too.

That's when I realized I was failing.

Know Thyself.

(trigger alert: good amount of diet talk and other triggering thoughts I've been having. Please also note these are thoughts about me only and do not necessarily apply to you or any struggles you are having. We are each individuals and different things work for different people.)

I had another deep conversation with the dear husband last night. I talked about my struggles with my trainer, how I opened that Pandora's box during a weak moment, and how I am continuing to struggle with feelings of guilt versus feelings of rebellion. I have this feeling of wanting to be the "perfect student" versus the rebel; I want to exercise effectively every time (or every day) and eat "on plan" and lose weight and "work to my full potential". However, when I think about doing or try to do these things, I get resentful and find myself overeating or not exercising at all, rebelling against all the ideas I know aren't good for me.

Obviously, neither of these extremes are healthy. There is a healthy middle place where I can move my body in a healthy way, for the goal of health, and eat intuitively but treat myself gently in more fragile moments. As I told my husband, "I just want to live my life," instead of feeling captive by disordered thoughts.

I need to understand that, even if I want to be the model workout and diet person and follow a meal plan, I simply can't. I have an eating disorder and I know that it's not healthy for me to be strict about my eating or really think too much about it at all. I also know I can only exercise when my body feels up to it instead of trying to fit myself in to a set schedule. There are parts of me that still need a lot of healing and may never fit back together the way they started. I need to give myself permission to be okay, not be okay, and just be, sometimes.

Journal Entry: No plan

Well, that didn't last long.

Obviously, last week was totally disorganized. We had takeout for most meals and there was no scheduled eating times. I had no interest in following my meal plan and I continue to have no interest in restarting it at this point. I have not been eating intuitively at all but am being gentle with myself in understanding the reasons. Some days, you just do the best you can. My self care has suffered in my attempt to care for everyone else and I am trying to get back to taking care of me. I always say, you can't take care of anyone else if you're not caring for yourself. In this vein, I skipped the gym on Monday, instead choosing to have a leisurely trip to Target and a semi-quiet evening.

I have been trying to eat what I want, when I want without much thought. This worked for the most part, beyond some expected comfort eating. Today I am going to continue being gentle with myself but will keep track and see how it goes.

Breakfast (9:30)
Wheat english muffin with creamy peanut butter. This is a "plan" breakfast and was easy to throw together. I also had about half an apple because I was still hungry and thought I should have some fruit. Sadly, the "shoulding" made the apple less enjoyable. I also had a cup of black tea with cream and sugar.

Morning snack (11:20)
God, this "plan" crap has really messed with me. I am trying really hard not to think about what the plan calls for and just what sounds good. I decide on my whipped lime yogurt. Good although a little sugary. I have mixed feeling on yogurt. I also decide to have a few almonds. I have one and start feeling depressed. This is such a "diet" snack I can't stand it. I actually throw away the last 1/4 of yogurt.

Lunch (12:30)
Leftover baked ziti. Yummy!

Afternoon (2pm)
On impulse I grabbed a heath bar while running errands. Yummy! I also ate a handful of chocolate covered pretzels (a planned purchase).
(4pm) Finished bag of pretzels, primarily out of emotional response. Feeling guilty but trying to again be gentle with myself and understand that the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing can't easily be dealt with at work.

The rest of the day kind of spiraled downward. I felt like I binged on sweets and didn't take care of myself. I was really surprised I didn't end up with a stomach ache! I think I struggle with feelings of scarcity but when sweets are around, I want to eat them all so they are gone. Rational. I may try my loose "planning" again because I felt physically well when doing it and my trainer reinforces to me that my nutrition will affect my workouts. Considering I really struggled with this evening's workout, I am apt to believe him. I have not disclosed my ED history with him and am not sure if I will or want to. It probably depends on how much he pushes the issue. May be something to process..

Not listening

(trigger alert: This post is somewhat of an emotional purge for me but this feels like a safe place for me to do it. Please skip if you are feeling fragile.)

Last night, I was eating ice cream. I realized after the fact that my mind was screaming at me the whole time I was eating. But I was not listening. Here's a little stream of consciousness of my experience:

Hmm, this is kind of good. The ice cream is kind of grainy though. There isn't much Reese's cup in it and what is there tastes kind of waxy. Why am I eating this? Tomorrow, I won't eat any sweets so I need to eat it ALL NOW. That way it won't be there tomorrow. I need to eat all the sweets so they won't be there when I start eating better tomorrow. Why do I feel so frantic? I don't even want this. Why can't I throw it away and not think about it? I want to eat this and enjoy it and feel happy. I feel guilty eating this and I am not even enjoying it. Oh. It's gone now.

This was and is extremely depressing. I feel like I am stuck in this binge/restrict cycle. I know why. I started a new exercise class about 2 weeks ago. I am really enjoying it but I have a really unrealistic expectation of instant results. The teacher also does nutritional counseling and I asked him for the information. I think this may have been a mistake because now I am in pre-diet mode: "Must eat all good things because they will be off-limits tomorrow!" Hell, I don't even know what the information looks like yet and I'm already triggered. I really just want to be strong and healthy and not eat emotionally, still enjoy my food and not restrict. I don't trust my body to tell me what it wants and I hate this feeling of body-mind conflict. I am one being. I am not a brain and the shell that houses it. I feel very confused, very anxious, and very unhappy. I want to ignore it all and just be okay but I know I will probably live with a lot of this for my whole life.

I am still trying to find my happy medium. I think I am going to try and journal today and see how that goes. I'll also keep you updated on my workout class and the nutritional counseling, which I think could either be helpful or extremely triggering. Dear Husband is aware I am receiving it so I'll probably talk to him about it some as well.

Thanks for listening.

Inside the box

I received a comment on my last post about how I seem to be restricting myself with labels and rules.

I was surprised at how hard this hit me.

I don't just do this with eating. I feel the need to label everything in my life. My hairstyle, clothing style, personality. This can be extremely difficult, if not ridiculous. My hairstyle changes regularly. My clothing style varies depending on my mood, and my personality is, as my husband puts it, turbulent. None of these things can be or should be stuffed in a tiny box despite my desire to do so.

I will admit something I was trying very hard not to.

I am desperate to lose weight. As I have mentioned previously, that is really what is behind my "challenges". I am not trying to make myself better. I am trying to make myself smaller (the easier to fit in the box, my dear).

Why am I trying so hard to do this?

What would it mean not to?

The thought is terrifying. I am comfortable in my boxes, even if they pinch or make it hard to breathe sometimes.

I'm afraid of being too much.

Too loud.
Too pretty.
Too successful.
Too intense.
Too fat.

(now "too" looks all weird)

I can't just let myself "be". I spend so much time trying to "fix" things that I never enjoy anything.

I need a hobby that is not "self-improvement" but I do need to take care of myself.
I need to let myself be myself.
I need to eat and not obsess about everything I put in my mouth.
I need to move my body in a loving way.
I need to appreciate today.

Does it count as a relapse?

I had a tough weekend.

The baby was firing on all cylinders and just all over the place. While she was happy, this made for a tired mommy!

My mother-in-law's dog ran away Saturday afternoon (he hasn't come back at this point and we don't think he will). This was the absolute last thing she needed so Saturday night was really stressful.

I offered to take her to her favorite ice cream place for a happy distraction and she agreed.

Obviously, I ate some ice cream.

I don't really think I did it for me; I wasn't even that interested in it. But I still ate something on the no-eat list, so to speak. I actually don't feel guilt about it either.

Was this a relapse or am I showing progress?

Hm.

"Normal Eating"

"Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stopping eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along with way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

       Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings."~Ellyn Satter (source)

I love this quote. I need to come back and read it regularly. If you haven't noticed, I have been a tad obsessive about my eating habits lately. Overanalyzing what/when/how much and nitpicking my body's responses. In relation to my recent low-sugar crusade, that was a crash and burn and, guess what? I feel fine. I have eliminated soda from my diet but only because I didn't want it anymore; I just no longer found it appealing. It is a huge struggle not to feel self-righteous about it and think I'm doing something "good".

Dieting always drove me batty (imagine that!) because I became so obsessive about the dieting. I would be really "successful" but, as expected, would put weight back on as soon as I stopped dieting. I think I am abusing IE in this way; focusing way too closely on everything I eat and spending too much time in my head. In the last few days, my eating habits have been all over the place but I have felt physically fine and not guilty about what I ate. So, at least for a bit, you may see less actual journal entries as I take a break for my own wellness.

Wanting to lose weight. Losing sanity instead.

I may have said some of this before but it seems like it needs repeating for me.

I am actively trying to lose weight. (Shame!)

I am 5 months postpartum and about 10lbs heavier than my prepregnancy weight (I know, so not a big deal) and about 20-30lbs heavier than what I would like to be my ideal body weight. A lot of the weight remains in my belly area; this is where I typically carry any extra weight and is an area I am very insecure about. Rationally, I do understand this is not a lot of weight. That does not make it seem any less significant.

I just rejoined the gym at work (go, discount fitness! $30 for six months, woohoo) and am trying to plan out a workout routine. I think this is where it all started.

I started researching workouts. I wanted to find something to improve my functional strength and endurance. Unfortunately, I ended up getting linked to a bunch of web sites more focused on diet than exercise. I got drawn in to one site that strongly touts its eating plan, although it does have a pretty good looking workout regime. There are pages and pages of archives. It was all downhill from there.

While talking about working out, eating habits, etc to my husband and mother-in-law last night, he made a comment about me "being on one of [her] health kicks". This really struck a chord with me. While he didn't mean it in any kind of negative way, "health kick" sounds like something temporary to me. Like a diet.

Fail.

I think I need to make a relapse prevention plan. A diet relapse prevention. I really need to get a hold of my warning signs and triggers. Might as well start somewhere!

Relapse Signs

• researching diet and exercise routines
• change in mood (particularly feeling depressed)
• trying to drastically alter my eating habits
• restricting
• not eating intuitively
• comparing myself to others
• judging others' eating and exercise habits

It's really a shame how much of a cycle this becomes and how much of my life it can consume when there are so many more important things to focus on. Today, I am purposefully skipping the gym and going to run errands with a coworker to work on self-care instead of focusing on my body today.

Setback.

Well, I guess that's how it goes. Ironic since my last post was a step forward. One step forward, one step back sometimes.

Here's what happened: I had a "fat" day. I have not been able to exercise very consistently in the last week or so because my dear child keeps changing her sleep schedule. Two nights ago, she thought she'd have a party from 1-4am! When I don't exercise, a little switch in my head gets flipped and I start obsessing about my food intake and worrying I must be gaining weight. Irrational, I know. I also gave birth only four months ago! *headdesk*

I started demonizing my favorite foods--sweets. I decided I must CUT IT OUT. Smart, I know. I even deleted this blog, thinking that IE must be for weenies and I needed to toughen up and cut out the foods I love the most. Yes, I can be a tad impulsive. :)

This morning, I had a realization about how much I abuse my body. I insult it, dislike it, restrict its food intake and try to control its every move. I diminish its needs by thinking I am too self-absorbed in even worrying about it. I cause myself so much undue stress worrying about gaining weight. I put that in italics to emphasis its dramatic nature and how ridiculous it must really be.

So, I am currently enjoying a candy bar because my body was craving it, despite my trying to please it with other, "healthier" options. And I will enjoy every last bit of it. My new goal is to enjoy my life, my body, my food, and my exercise instead of abusing, diminishing, and demeaning it.