Wanting to lose weight. Losing sanity instead.

I may have said some of this before but it seems like it needs repeating for me.

I am actively trying to lose weight. (Shame!)

I am 5 months postpartum and about 10lbs heavier than my prepregnancy weight (I know, so not a big deal) and about 20-30lbs heavier than what I would like to be my ideal body weight. A lot of the weight remains in my belly area; this is where I typically carry any extra weight and is an area I am very insecure about. Rationally, I do understand this is not a lot of weight. That does not make it seem any less significant.

I just rejoined the gym at work (go, discount fitness! $30 for six months, woohoo) and am trying to plan out a workout routine. I think this is where it all started.

I started researching workouts. I wanted to find something to improve my functional strength and endurance. Unfortunately, I ended up getting linked to a bunch of web sites more focused on diet than exercise. I got drawn in to one site that strongly touts its eating plan, although it does have a pretty good looking workout regime. There are pages and pages of archives. It was all downhill from there.

While talking about working out, eating habits, etc to my husband and mother-in-law last night, he made a comment about me "being on one of [her] health kicks". This really struck a chord with me. While he didn't mean it in any kind of negative way, "health kick" sounds like something temporary to me. Like a diet.

Fail.

I think I need to make a relapse prevention plan. A diet relapse prevention. I really need to get a hold of my warning signs and triggers. Might as well start somewhere!

Relapse Signs

• researching diet and exercise routines
• change in mood (particularly feeling depressed)
• trying to drastically alter my eating habits
• restricting
• not eating intuitively
• comparing myself to others
• judging others' eating and exercise habits

It's really a shame how much of a cycle this becomes and how much of my life it can consume when there are so many more important things to focus on. Today, I am purposefully skipping the gym and going to run errands with a coworker to work on self-care instead of focusing on my body today.

Do I want it?

One of my flaws is that I do things too quickly.

At work, this does make me very efficient (and surprisingly without errors) but in my personal life, it's not such a good thing. I tend to get uppity very quickly and "ramp up" verbally and mentally. It gets to the point that it almost feels like an out-of-body experience.

With eating, this is obviously not a good thing. Part of intuitive eating and mindfulness is taking your time. I want to try and take more time, especially with my food choices. I am going to try and ask myself the following questions, especially when I'm feeling ramped up:

Do I really want this?
Am I really going to enjoy it?
How will I feel afterwards?

This may seem a little tedious. I do think the first question is really the most important. Mindless eating can be very dangerous, especially regarding aftereffects. By taking just a moment to evaluate what I am really wanting, I hope to focus my attention more on my food choices and make sure I am really digesting my food, physically and mentally.

Listening.

Lately, I have been hearing a very quiet voice in my head.

No, you do not need to call the doctor. :)

It's very quiet but it is commenting on my food choice and my body's reaction to them.

I don't always listen to it, particularly when I'm stressed and wanting to emotionally eat. But when I do listen, I feel more satisfied and like I ate what my body needed, even if it seems like an abnormal choice.

For example, I really crave protein in the morning. I don't have time to make a whole breakfast so I've just been making a sandwich. But that's lunch food, you say! Yes, but it's what works for me right now.

I have also noticed what doesn't work for me. As I mentioned before, too much salt triggers a sugary craving, and vice versa. Soda tends to make me sleepier, despite how much I enjoy the taste. :)  These are definitely things I need to keep in moderation.

A work in progress, for sure. I'll be listening closely in the near future!

"Last Supper"

There is a thought process called the "Last Supper" mentality. Have you heard of it?

Basically, it's the idea, typically before starting a diet, that you'll eat what you want because, tomorrow, you'll start eating "better/healthier/less". You then may overeat to compensate for what you won't get or have a sense of scarcity about what you may or may not be able to have.

I feel like I do this fairly regularly, especially since I tend towards restriction in my eating habits. Whenever I eat something "bad", I mentally plan to restrict the next day.

At this point, I am almost forcing myself to eat more "bad" foods in the hopes of breaking this thought process, to remind myself that, look, it's still there and I can have more! I think so many years of restricting are causing this process to take a little while but, hey, I'm enjoying my eating in the meantime!

Journal Entry

I think it's time for another Intuitive Eating Journal entry!

9:00am
SO tired. The tiny one kept me up most of the night with tummy troubles. I think I managed about 5 hrs. NEED COFFEE. I need gas anyway so I run in for a cup since gas stations always have good coffee. I like mine light, tried the vanilla creamer, not bad. As usual, I'll nurse this throughout the day, or at least morning.
I also suddenly became ravenous and craving protein. I had a carb-heavy dinner so I think that may be why. I knew I only had yogurt in my bag for breakfast so I decide to grab an egg and cheese biscuit on the way to work. I devoured it on my commute. Nom nom nom.

11:35am
Starting to get hungry. On a conference call at work but start mentally planning my lunch. I have a bratwurst and hot dog bun as my "entree", will eat that and then see what else I want once call is over, hopefully any minute!

12:00pm
Finished 3/4 of my bratwurst and then decided I was done with it so threw away the rest. Feeling full for the moment, may have a snack in a short while.

2:00pm
Feeling hungry but also have a bit of a tummyache. I think it was from the coffee, ugh. I like it but it and the creamer don't always like me. Bleh. Will sip on a soda and eat a cheese stick for now since I'm wanting something a little salty.

2:20pm
Feeling better but still a little hungry. Tried a Gala apple. Ate a few bites, found it mealy and just not tasty. I have discovered I am fairly picky about apples. Oh well. I feel like I have wasted a lot of food today but I guess that's better than eating food I don't enjoy.

2:40pm
Still hungry (a cheese stick and few bites of apple do not a snack make, especially since I had a small lunch). Still wanting salty, popcorn it is! A perfect soda accompaniment.

3:30pm
Ate about 2/3 of bag, don't want anymore popcorn but craving something sweet. I notice this when I eat popcorn, maybe it's too salty? I eat a snack-sized bag of dried cranberries. I feel a little guilty because I feel like this is more of a sweet tooth thing than a hunger thing but I do really enjoy them. Maybe I will stay away from popcorn for a while. I finish about 2/3 of my soda and feel satisfied for several hours.

8:00pm
HUNGRY. Our dinners get delayed nowadays due to the baby. We decided on just a quick frozen pizza. I was craving some veggies so I also made some frozen broccoli and added some salsa. I had 2 pieces of pizza and about half the broccoli and felt satisfied. YUM.

9:00pm
Wanting something sweet, as usual. Feeling a little peckish, I decided on a small bowl of chocolate ice cream. The husband actually had some Ben and Jerry's that I sample and decided it is SO much better. I think it may be important, particularly with sweets, to choose quality over quantity and really savor the experience.

Emotional vs. Intuitive Eating

I have an enormous sweet tooth.

I could, pretty much, eat sweets any time, day or night. I crave them during any emotional state: happy, sad, tired, hormonal. I find myself overeating them when I'm stressed.

What is the difference between Emotional Eating (EE) and Intuitive Eating (IE)?

Sometimes, I am not sure. IE doesn't dismiss EE but rather allows it and requests that you look at your actions objectively, without judgement. I hate the fact that I emotionally eat and can't seem to break the pattern. I find a large amount of comfort in food and it is my go-to stress reliever. Unfortunately, this can become an icky cycle of overeating, shame, guilt, restriction, and...begin again.

I think, maybe, the point of IE is to remove the shame, guilt, and restriction to help break the emotional cycle. If you fully allow yourself to eat whatever, whenever, in a loving way, the need for EE diminishes. I have always found that when I don't pay close attention to (I mean scrutinizing) what I eat/don't eat, my EE and general overeating is lessened. Which, I guess is the point.

Setback.

Well, I guess that's how it goes. Ironic since my last post was a step forward. One step forward, one step back sometimes.

Here's what happened: I had a "fat" day. I have not been able to exercise very consistently in the last week or so because my dear child keeps changing her sleep schedule. Two nights ago, she thought she'd have a party from 1-4am! When I don't exercise, a little switch in my head gets flipped and I start obsessing about my food intake and worrying I must be gaining weight. Irrational, I know. I also gave birth only four months ago! *headdesk*

I started demonizing my favorite foods--sweets. I decided I must CUT IT OUT. Smart, I know. I even deleted this blog, thinking that IE must be for weenies and I needed to toughen up and cut out the foods I love the most. Yes, I can be a tad impulsive. :)

This morning, I had a realization about how much I abuse my body. I insult it, dislike it, restrict its food intake and try to control its every move. I diminish its needs by thinking I am too self-absorbed in even worrying about it. I cause myself so much undue stress worrying about gaining weight. I put that in italics to emphasis its dramatic nature and how ridiculous it must really be.

So, I am currently enjoying a candy bar because my body was craving it, despite my trying to please it with other, "healthier" options. And I will enjoy every last bit of it. My new goal is to enjoy my life, my body, my food, and my exercise instead of abusing, diminishing, and demeaning it.