Thursday, June 28, 2012

Am I really being intuitive?

The answer to the question is No.

This post from Medical Marzipan made me realize that.

In an effort to not diet or work out in a punitive way, I became the anti-diet.

I overate. I ate mindlessly. I ate excessive amounts of sugar, especially when I wasn't hungry. I stopped working out regularly.

Last night, I realized what I was doing.

"I thought that if I removed the diet from my life, I would be able to thus weed out the self-hatred that I felt so deeply."

I was trying to accept myself in a place I am not happy with. And the negative feelings didn't go away.

Because I'm not really taking care of myself. Edie (you remember her) has been throwing a tantrum and making a mess.

Rationally, I know what is good for me. Less sugar, more movement, and less mindlessness.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Journal Entry

Thought I'd throw in a random journal entry for fun! May be a good progress check as well.

I am dithering about what I want for breakfast. A biscuit and sweet tea sounds good but I am not sold on it. I have figured out that when I'm not really sure, I'm not really hungry. I save myself a few dollars and head on to work with the plan to eat my packed food for breakfast.

Arrive at work, make a cup of green tea. I was in the mood for this and enjoy it.

Rats! I got really sidetracked making phone calls and now am starving. I had originally planned a yogurt but that sounds hideous at this moment. I decide on a granola bar for breakfast. Not super filling but I figure lunch is around the corner at this point.

Ready for lunch! I packed an Italian chicken and bowtie pasta salad. A little too much dressing but still  good. I eat almost all of it.

Getting sleeeepy. I kind of want a soda but am trying to avoid the extra sugar in the afternoon; I've found it makes me hungrier sometimes. I decide to make a cup of iced black tea and then, if I still want the soda in a bit, I'll get one. I also have an apple as my first afternoon nap. As you may have learned, I like to graze in the afternoons. It keeps me a little perkier and keeps any extra boredom snacking urges happy.

HUNGRY! I have some Trail Mix style Chex Mix, perfect for afternoon grazing.

Dinner, starving again! Griddled cube steak, mashed potatoes, and brussel sprouts. I felt like I inhaled this, I was so hungry. Definitely not a mindful meal.

I usually want some kind of a treat. I had some leftover Dairy Queen. It was just okay.

The husband and MIL were snacking on some Chex Mix so I had a few rye crisps. Not really hungry, just joining in on the snacking.

Stay tuned for a follow up post about my mindless eating...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Feelings about the gym.

I just started back at the gym after over a month off. I did the boot camp class but quit when I realized it was just too much to do in the evenings and really too strenuous for me. I worked out a bit at home but I loathe working out outside. Then, I got sick and had surgery. I finally ventured back to the gym in the last week or so.

And I've hated it.

Partly, my body doesn't feel the same. My hip still feels weird post-surgery so that just makes me nervous. I am not sure how hard to push my body or what it's really capable of. I feel like I pushed it hard for so long that I am trying to find a happy, healthy place of movement.

Working out has also made me more aware of my body, and not really in a good way. I notice the spots that are softer or weaker. I feel the burn of the exercise and register it as pain.

I want to try and focus on working out as functional improvement as opposed to aesthetic improvement, and this may be the key for me. While ignoring all of this and not moving my body feels safe and comfortable, this spot may not be the healthiest for me.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Intuitive Drinking

I am not much of a drinker.

I had my first "real" drink when I was in college. I did it more to fit in than out of any real desire to do it. Peer pressure 101. I had a fairly normal college drinking experience, over-imbibing on several occasions but mainly being a social drinker.

After college, I rarely drank, mainly again on social occasions. I do admit to sometimes drinking when upset (I recall the week my husband/then boyfriend had a weeklong fight and my evenings were spent with a vodka tonic or two). I didn't routinely keep alcohol in the house and mainly drank on evenings out.

I'm now 30 with an infant. I still don't routinely keep alcohol in the house and rarely drink outside of the house. I have found, in recent years, that it just makes me TIRED. One drink and I'm ready for a nap.

The stupid thing, however, is that I still do it! I know that the drink will make me tired and I still have it. Not very intuitive, is it? I think I have this idea that the alcohol will make my evening more relaxing or more fun or that it's expected. Instead, I always end up regretting it. Being totally sober seems depressing to me. But isn't my well-being more important?

So, here's to sobriety!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Weight Loss as a cure-all?

If you read Ragen Chastain (you should!), you can read tons of evidence about how diets do not work and that your weight is not directly connected to your health. You would think professional organizations would get that.


There was recently a health screening fair at my job. You were paid $50 to get weighed, vitals done, and blood drawn.

I got the results today.

Most of my numbers were "within range". My HDL was low; well, according to one report. The other report showed it in the "normal range", so, not sure if I'm good or not. Also, they used BMI which is absolutely appalling. Not unexpectedly, mine was "out of range". Okay fine, I don't care about BMI because I know it was created by insurance companies and has no basis in reality or science.

The one thing that bothered me the most, however, was the fact that on the results pages, tips are given for improving your numbers. You can guess what the recommendation always was.

Weight loss.

Yes, weight loss would make my BMI lower. But how do they know it will improve my cholesterol? I could lose weight just eating 2 cheeseburgers a day. Healthy? Heck no! Will I lose weight? Possibly. Will my cholesterol improve? Doubtful.

I also almost got in an argument with a coworker because she is of the "old school", or more traditional group that is convinced that fat = unhealthy. We were talking about how these numbers may be used or how they may affect our insurance rates, particularly since everything is connected to weight and weight loss. Her comment was, "They (the overweight folks) should pay more for health insurance!" Shocked at first, I just decided to look at her and say, "Well, difference of opinion." I would have loved to say more but I understand her mentality is not going to change easily (based on her own behaviors related to food and weight) and I wanted to avoid an awkward conflict at work.

On a positive note, this all does greatly motivate me to continue fighting weight loss as a cure-all and help educate others on HAES and fat acceptance. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012



Yes, I'm still here!

My focus has definitely been elsewhere lately. I am in the process of buying a house and exploring employment opportunities so my brain has been going hither and yon, lately. But, I have returned! Here are a few things that have been going on.

I had a free Body Love Breakthrough Session with the wonderful Golda Poretsky. We talked about my history and little bit and some of my concerns. One thing that came up that really struck me was the idea of feeling diminished by others, or trying to lessen myself in order to please others. It's funny how something like this can turn into a food issue, isn't it?

I grew up having a BIG personality. I was loud and rambunctious and all over the place. You would never know that, looking at me now. I learned at a young age that quiet was better, blending in was ideal, and being "more" than someone else was to be avoided. As an adult, I get negative reactions from peers whenever I am acting very confident or outspoken. The feedback loop continues.

It almost seems like a fun problem to have. Be more outspoken! Be your fabulous self! Scary, but fun.