Friday, May 25, 2012

I'm back!

I successfully made it out of surgery. I won't go into all the gory details but it ended up being more complicated than expected and my recovery was also a little longer. Unfortunately, I do have endometriosis. I go back to the doc next week to talk about my options.

It is a frustrating thing to feel like your body has betrayed you. Weird, bad things going on inside without your knowledge. It's also a very scary thing (even if my condition is fairly benign) to know how fragile we are.

Because of medications and recovery time, etc, my eating has been somewhat chaotic but I have been trying to pay attention to how I feel after I eat certain things, physically and emotionally. I have not taken any great actions but just doing lots of observing and trying to treat myself gently.

I am also not allowed to exercise for a minimum of two weeks. This has been nice but also a little frustrating. Exercise is a major source of stress reduction for me but I am dealing with it as best I can since there is no wiggle room here!

Updates to continue...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Sick Leave

I am having my laparascopic surgery on Thursday so, after today, I may be offline for a bit. I am definitely having some anxiety, particularly around the results. I just want to know what's going on, you know? Hopefully there will be a productive outcome.

I have been fairly successful with avoiding emotional eating lately. I acknowledge the feelings when they are occurring and try to sit with or deal with them as best I can. It has been exhausting though! I'll keep you updated.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Breaking Through. And Edie.

I am an emotional eater. I always have been. As I've mentioned before, my eating past is very disordered. I was also under an immense amount of pressure to "succeed": academically, professionally. This was seen as most important and I felt stifled and not encouraged to explore other passions or let my personality bloom.

Food has always been a source of comfort to me. When I was restricting, it was what I couldn't have, the "forbidden fruit". When I was bingeing, it filled the giant, painful void inside. It numbs me out, makes me feel better, happier, "fuller". The thought of not eating emotionally is terrifying.

But I have to do it.

It's not a healthy coping mechanism. I need to recognize, address, and appreciate my emotions. I need to find healthy manners of dealing with feeling uncomfortable, agitated, bored, or lonely.

Even if I can't fully do it for me, I can do it for my children. I want their mother to be happy, free, and balanced.

In eating disorder recovery, some therapies encourage splitting away from your disordered self, identifying it as Other. While I was thinking about this, the name "Edie" came into my head. I picture Edie as a small, fragile, frazzled child. She needs attention, love, and understanding. Edie wants to eat the world to feel better when, in reality, she needs a cuddle and a push on the swingset. Instead of fighting with her and trying to hold her down during a tantrum, I will embrace Edie and talk to her more; try to understand her and comfort her. Edie isn't hungry all the time but she needs to feel whole and safe. I can't be fully recovered until Edie is, if that makes sense. While Edie isn't all that I am, she is a part of me I need to address and stop trying to push down with food.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Last night, I almost had another mini-binge. If I had the opportunity, I probably would have. After eating several nighttime sweets, I felt really guilty and bad about myself. I again went back to feelings of wanting to restrict and lose x amount of weight.

Then I looked at my daughter playing on the floor.

I thought about having another child. If I get pregnant again, I'll gain weight again. Even if I lose weight now, it will come back then and I'll have to start all over.

I thought I was supposed to be over this. I was supposed to fix this for her. She can't see this, can't know that I deal with this. She will not go through this too.

That's when I realized I was failing.

Journal Entry

I am going to try really hard to listen to my mind and body today be gentle with myself today and not worry too much about my food choices. I am going to eat what sounds good, eat when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full. I am also going to try and make it to the gym this afternoon, time permitting.

Breakfast (9:30am)
I packed plain yogurt with mixed berry preserves stirred in. Ehh. I hadn't tried this before and plain yogurt has a cheesy taste to it. I think I am so used to sweetened yogurt, it's a shift. About halfway through my sugar felt like it was rising so I added in some almonds for protein. This added a nice crunch and helped balance the cheesy flavor. I also had a cup of green tea. I am loving green tea in the morning, very refreshing!

Lunch (12:45pm)
Salad with ranch dressing and a turkey sandwich on dark rye. This was a really good lunch! I felt like I was eating a lot but I continued to eat until I felt full (and it was all gone). I also had a Pepsi after lunch to help perk me up!

I went to the gym around 2:45. I did a quick warmup on the treadmill (the machine sounded wonky so I didn't want to try running!) and then did a brief elliptical workout. It was a little hard (still healing from my respiratory virus) but felt good!

Snack (3:55pm)
I was just thinking that I really wanted some fruit and then remembered I had some green grapes! I was unreasonably excited about this. Also having my string cheese stick for a little protein/fat. Within about 10 minutes, however, I knew this was not sufficient (empty tummy feeling) so threw in a high-protein granola bar for good measure. I'll probably continue intermittently snacking on my grapes as well and sipping on the Pepsi from earlier. I also snuck in 2 mini-chocolate bars. Surprisingly, I still felt "tummy-empty", like I needed something with some fat it in. I am going to try and sit tight and see if it passes once my sugar levels rise a little.

Dinner (7:30pm)
I did make it until dinner! I know one tough part of the later afternoon is boredom so I have to keep that in check. Dinner was fairly simple: kielbasa and cabbage with a bit of mashed potatoes. I wasn't terribly full but I figured I'd have a snack later

Snacks (9:00pm)
I had a small bowl of ice cream that I shared with the little one. I also ended up having a package of snack cakes, after which I felt really agitated and guilty. I am going to put my reactions to this in a follow-up post because I don't want them to get lost.

Monday, May 7, 2012


*trigger alert*

It appears that my mental block remains.

Yesterday, I decided I would "cut out" soda, chocolate, and other sweets. I figured this would help me lose weight fairly quickly, cutting out "empty calories". Most of the day, I perseverated on my food choices. Looking back, I was restricting. And feeling self-righteous. And thin.

Yesterday was also fairly stressful (for various reasons). By the end of the day, I was fairly frazzled. I ended up having what you could call a "mini-binge": 6 mini-chocolate bars, 1 package of Swiss rolls, and an individual ice cream. I am surprised I didn't have a soda as well. While I was eating, I knew it was in reaction to my previously placed restrictions. Part of me wanted to stop and part of me didn't.

I know I am too hard on myself. I know I sometimes use IE as an excuse to restrict or overanalyze my food choices. Labels make me comfortable and restrictions (in any sense) make me feel safe. That "too much" fear coming back again. "Letting go" in any sense is always terrifying, even though I know it would feel so. good.

Journal entry to follow focusing on just eating what sounds good and trying not to worry about the choices. I may need to take a journal break if that doesn't work in order to de-focus a little bit.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reality Check

[a brief conversation with my dear husband last night after a mini-workout; still battling a head/chest cold]

Me: Sometimes, I wish I looked the way I did when we first met [7 years ago] but part of me know that's mildy unrealistic.

Husband: (deadpan) It is mildly unrealistic.

I'm over 30, I've given birth. My body is different. It will never be what it used to be, as much as I sometimes wish for that more lithe, pert form. I am a woman now, and a mother. I am a different person with a different body. Sometimes, it feels alien. I guess we are still getting to know each other but I should be more appreciative because, overall, it's been pretty good to me.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Journal Entry

With everything going on lately, I realized I hadn't done an IE journal entry in a while. This has been a bit of a struggle lately, with a lot of emotional stress/trying not to emotionally eat, and feeling physically unwell.

Breakfast (9:30)
Really craving a sweet coffee drink this morning. Rationally, I know these make my sugar levels go a little high but feeling the need for the pick me up this morning because of my head cold. I stop and get a vanilla cappucino on the way to work. Definitely a little on the sweet side. This is a good example of my emotions winning out over my rational mind and knowing what may actually be better for me versus what my mind thinks it wants.
I also had a trail mix granola bar and a few grapes for my meal. Not the greatest breakfast but I have been struggling with breakfast for a while. I need to get more protein in but am unsure how to do this without having eggs. I need to get more creative!

Snack (11:30)
Eating the rest of my grapes. I forgot how much I like them, although I try to be careful not to eat too many (tummyache central)! I also grabbed a string cheese for a little protein. Yum!

Lunch (1:00)
Starving! I have leftover steak and potatoes. Eat it fairly mechanically because I'm hungry and busy at work (no lunch break for me today). Still hungry and feeling a little woozy so have a few cookies from the work stash and open my Pepsi. Feel better within a few minutes. I think it may be related to the Dayquil I'm taking.

Snack (4pm)
Decide on an apple but 1/3 of the way through, realize it's nasty. No taste! Bleh. Feeling disappointed because I really wanted some fruit!
Around 4:45 I got desperate and rummage in my lunch bag. I find a handful of baby carrots and dried cranberries to munch on to help with the fruit cravings.

Dinner (7:45pm)
Pasta salad, very yummy!

Dessert (8:45pm)
My mother-in-law made a cheese-honey pie thing. It was, ehhh. I ate about 2/3 of my piece with a small glass of milk, mainly because I was still hungry! I had a mini-chocolate to finish the day.