Sunday, September 23, 2012

Goal Setting

I have two very distinct goals in my head.

1. Make foods amoral and not a big deal.
2. Lose weight.

Over the last week, #2 has been winning.

I even considered Weight Watchers and researched them. Thankfully, I am really too cheap to pay for a diet. I did restrict yesterday and ended up overeating at night because I was, well, hungry!

I also feel like I can see the horizon where food is not so important but I just...can't get there. I think because I have conflicting goals, this creates a roadblock (ha, more transportation metaphors). Being thin is not as important as my mental health. Dieting also makes me a boring, unpleasant person: a hungry girl who can't think or discuss anything beyond food or appearance.

I think that's why food is so important to me; eating and dieting have always been my hobbies. I was never really encouraged to explore my passions as a younger person; be successful, fit in, and, well, that's about it. I think if I'm able to explore other passions and interests, this will help the food obsessions fall by the wayside and help me work towards goal #1.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Taking care.

Today is another day of not feeling well.
Too much caffeine, not enough simple carbs.
Excess anxiety.
Not enough pampering.

I noticed this especially while in the ladies' room with a coworker. She is a very nice girl and always looks very put together, fresh, and bright. Her outfits are pretty and pressed, her hair done neatly.

I, on the other hand. Ill-fitting jeans (I can't bring myself to buy more), chipped nail polish, dirty hair sloppily thrown on my head. It made me sad to see the contrast.

Yes, I have a busy life and a toddler. Yes, my time to pamper is limited. But, seriously? I couldn't even be bothered to throw together a decent lunch. I even managed to pack a moldy muffin in my lunch bag. Sad.

There is a feeling of guilt about spending time on myself. Eating has always been my comfort so it seems foreign and decadent to spend my time in other ways. Overeating is not pampering though. Polished nails and styled hair is.

Here's to a better lunch and better manicure tomorrow. I'll update!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Feeding your emotions

I have a stomach ache.

I have been eating when I'm not hungry and eating things I know might make me feel unwell (Burger King, anyone?).

Today, while eating some candy, I realized I had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Not from hunger, but from anxiety. It was like feeding some like anxious beastie in my belly. The candy did "quiet the beast" temporarily but now I'm physically suffering.

Thank goodness for chamomile tea.

I think this is an important moment, however unpleasant. I am going to try and be more cognizant of, when I'm wanting to eat, if I'm feeding physical hunger or emotional hunger.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Hungry and Emotional

I almost made it through the day yesterday without eating emotionally.

I had a really trying afternoon and was offered candy but did pass on it because I knew I would only eat it because I was upset. I felt some sense of success but was still fairly frazzled.

However, last night, I ended up alone watching the baby; everyone else was either not feeling well or in crabby moods. Loneliness/fatigue are definitely major trigger emotions for me. I am a little on the fence about what happened; I was hungry and chose to eat sweets to make myself feel better. So, sort of an emotional eating moment but I was actually hungry. Hm. I did feel better after eating it but also some guilt.

I am not sure whether I am giving myself too hard a time. I definitely thinking that eating when I am not hungry is not a good thing. As Christie discussed this morning, this is kind of like putting food in the garbage can, a total waste. However, eating something I enjoy when I'm hungry but that I know will make me feel better emotionally....hmm.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bring back that lovin' feeling...

Yeah, not feeling the love so much today.

I am tired, irritable, and edgy.

Last night was the first night in a while that I didn't eat anything after dinner. I really wanted to but I kept checking in with myself and I just wasn't hungry.

And I was really unhappy about it. I went to bed feeling depressed and pitiful. I woke up this morning feeling grumpy and grumbly and like nothing was going to go my way.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Not really, when you haven't really been feeling your feelings for quite some time. I feel like Edie is pouting and feels like I don't love her. Ironic that I am aiming for quite the opposite. My inner self wants to sulk and be negative and stompy today. However, life is not that bad today. The weather is beautiful, I have a hot cup of tea and a cranberry muffin for breakfast. Yes, there are challenges each day but that is no reason to spew negativity into the world.

Okay, pep talk done, wish me luck!

Monday, September 10, 2012

The Deal.

I am an emotional eater. Yes, I admit it.

My husband is a smoker.

We both want to stop.

So, yesterday, after struggling through a workout (at least I did), we made a deal. He'll quit smoking if I start taking better care of myself and trying to get my emotional eating in check. We are hoping to keep each other accountable and encourage each other to improve our health and mental wellness.

I am a little scared. It's like letting go of a security blanket. It's hard to get out of a comfort zone, even if it's for the best.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

It's really not about the food.

Today, I had a realization about an aspect of my life.* It has not been going well and the stress came to a head today. This afternoon, I made a decision to start moving forward from it and made actions to do so. I also ended up having a soda and candy bar (wanted the pick me up and craving chocolate) for the first time in days (restricting again, yay). And all I experience is peace.

Sure, Edie is in the background a tad, whispering about my fat belly and how I'll fail again. But really, I realize so much of my pain and stress is not about the food. I just mask other things with it and then blame my continued discomfort on the overeating. What a concept, deal with my problems and feel better! I had no emotional connection to my snack, just a satisfaction and enjoyment. And I felt relief at having addressed a significant life stress.

*please excuse the vagueness. I don't want to reveal anything until I feel it's safe to do so. It doesn't have to do with my personal life though. :)