Thursday, November 29, 2012

Processing a mini-binge

You might not even call it that. I ate two candy bars, big whoop. But it feels like kind of a big deal. It was purely emotional eating.

The last two days have been extremely stressful. Yesterday, there were a bunch of unexpected layoffs at my job. Last night, my dear daughter slept poorly due to a tummyache, which means I slept poorly. I had terrible coffee this morning. We found out more bad information about the layoffs and other future unknowns. The work day has gone by slowly. At the end of the day, I am pretty much by myself and it's lonely and I'm stressed and anxious and tired.

I decide I want some chocolate. I'll also note I had a soda today for the first time in days and I know soda can trigger other sweet cravings (whoops). I finally give in and go to the vending machine and get two candy bars because I can't decide. Back at my desk, I eat both back-to-back.

I feel my blood sugar skyrocket and actually get a little dizzy. I do make the smart decision to refill my water cup and drink a bunch of water to help flush the sugar somewhat. Now, I feel mildly guilty and stupid. My anxiety is a little better just because I have numbed out a little bit. I am still fairly exhausted, and still by myself. I realize I could have called someone for support, or done a gratitude check (I do this and feel stupider but still grateful for what I do have). I am also grateful for the lesson that, yet again, the food does not make the pain go away.

Personal Style

Lately, I have realized that a lot of my clothes don't fit like they used to. After a baby, things just aren't in the same places! While my weight has been stable for the last year or so, my clothes still fit differently. I especially noticed that my jeans were painful to wear. I am extremely sensitive to ill-fitting clothes (having suffered in too-small pants for years in hopes of weight loss) and cannot stand anything tight on my stomach.

Recently, I have been perusing Wardrobe Oxygen and Hannah Marcotti who talk a lot about personal style, comfort, and being true to yourself. I realized that I have lost whatever style I had. Don't get me wrong, I've dabbled in many: preppy, skater, goth, corporate. My current job is sedentary and casual so there is minimal impetus to dress nicely at all and with an infant, comfort always wins. I was talking to my dear husband about this last night and he made a poignant statement: "You look how you feel."

Well, crap.

Last night, I purged my closet. I now have no jeans to speak of and I also got rid of all of the shirts I tug down or stretch out to make more comfortable. In the process, I actually discovered some great things I had forgotten or haven't even worn. For example, today I am wearing a great thrifted long skirt with a comfy drawstring waist. It's still dressier than I normally do but super comfortable and makes me feel pretty. I am going to make an effort to focus on what makes me feel good, inside and out. And that includes my wardrobe.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Journal Entry: letting go

As you've probably been able to tell, I have had a difficult time with urges to restrict. I am working hard towards being very gentle with myself (what a nice problem to have!) so I thought I would try a journal entry to help process some feelings.

Breakfast 9:30am
I had a yogurt with almonds planned. I am sick of yogurt but can't think of another breakfast food to have. I have an inkling it's become a "safe" food for me which is not okay. I decide I am really craving a biscuit so I stop in the way in to work and get a yummy iced blueberry biscuit with a sweet tea. It is just what I wanted! I'll sip on the tea most of the day.

I notice I've been having major carb cravings. Some of this may be because I am tired or stressed but at this point I am honoring my cravings and find myself satisifed.

Lunch 12:00pm
Planned: half a chicken breast with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing (cornbread and sausage, yum!) and leftover sugared yams. It is way more than I know I will eat but I figure I can snack on it in the afternoon (and, honestly, was too lazy to portion it out of the containers it was already in!). I eat until I'm full and feel satisfied, with plenty of leftovers.

Snack 3:00pm
Post-workout and fairly hungry. I decide to finish off the yams and some of the stuffing from lunch. Yummy!

Dinner 7:00pm
I started getting a bit hungry about 15 minutes before I left work but I decided to wait until dinner. I have a habit of late afternoon snacking and then I'm not hungry for dinner. Corn, boiled potatoes, and thin-sliced steak with some balsamic sauce. YUM!

Snack 10:30pm
This does seem late to eat but I don't normally go to bed until at least midnight since my dear daughter is a night owl. Small slice of apple pie (warmed of course!) and vanilla ice cream. Love it!

Overall, I ate exactly what I wanted and felt satisfied. My one lesson for today is that I should eat bigger meals. When I eat more at mealtime, I don't have that constant nagging peckishness all day long. I also will be replacing breakfast yogurt ASAP.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Realizing restricting.

I always thought I was an overeater. I am an emotional eater, so I must eat too much, right?

Maybe not.

I am a chronic dieter. I had a period of binge eating/flirt with bulimia in graduate school; ironically, I was at my lowest weight from a recent heinous diet plan. I think I might have been starving, really.

I cannot, however, seem to get rid of the diet mentality and trend towards restriction. Every time I try to be more intuitive and just let myself eat what I want, when I really want it, I find myself filled with feelings of guilt and doubt. I "feel fat". And down the rabbit hole we go. And I start trying to restrict, either in general or specific food groups.

I have realized that I really need to allow myself to just eat whatever, whenever. Even if it's not entirely intuitive. Even if it's just for fun or because I have a craving. I need to allow myself to just "be". Until food is no longer taboo or shiny or a drug, until I can eat without guilt or fear, I need to be gentle with myself. Restriction should not be a weight loss strategy or coping mechanism; it should be a sign that I need to look more closely at what I'm feeling and remember that eating is a good thing and part of enjoying life.

Monday, November 12, 2012


Fair warning: kind of a random, whiny, rant post.

I am exhausted.

The baby had a terrible night so I am not sure I got more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep.

Also, my parents came over for the day and in fact, ruined the day.

My husband tried to have a bonding moment with my father, per my prodding. My father managed to be totally dismissive of it and make my husband feel like an idiot.

My mother succeeding in bringing almost every conversation back to food or weight. This is after earlier in the day telling me that being hungry after meals is a good thing.

I hate that my parents have such an impact on my emotional state. It makes me feel like I have poor boundaries but, they are my parents.

I hate that my patience was short with my daughter last night because I felt raw from the day's events.

I hate that I beat myself up about all of this and ruined my own day to some degree.

I wish I didn't feel so numbly depressed today.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Pink Sparkly Lip Gloss

Today, at 5:28pm, I put on pink sparkly lip gloss.

My day is about over, my hair is a mess and my makeup is mostly gone from my face.

But I still put on pink lip gloss.

Just because.

It's totally impractical, a little daring (at least for me), but it makes me feel good.

I don't take enough time for myself. I don't try hard enough to make myself feel good. I think my worth is hiding under extra weight or belly bulge when, really, it's just buried under years of fear and self-loathing.

I am worth pink sparkly lip gloss.

On Dieting

I have a confession to make.

I bought Weight Watchers materials online. (I'm too cheap to actually sign up so just ordered a set of their materials on Ebay.)

I was tired of being "fat". I wanted to lose weight (still kinda do). I wanted an "easy solution".

To be entirely honest, it has been a little helpful. It has helped me curb some mindless eating and has made me really look at my emotional eating triggers instead of hopping right into the eating part.


I'm hungry.

Also, carbs seem to be somewhat of a no-no. Foods are given different values, which of course is hugely ED triggering.

It has also made me remember something really important: it's not about the food. Food is a symptom of deeper emotional issues for me. I overeat to numb out. I believe that if the emotional issues are resolved, the food issue will also resolve (at least for me).

Also, eating should be a natural thing. Some days (like today), I am hungrier than others. Some days, I may be less hungry. It should be a natural balance, not something of weighing and measuring and I shouldn't feel bad about what I eat. Ever.

So, did I really waste $50? I am wondering if it was worth the lesson learned.