Thursday, December 27, 2012

Loving myself in the new year.

Most days, I have a hard time loving myself. I do many things that are the opposite of self-love:

  • eating or drinking things I know make me feel ill
  • eating in secret
  • eating emotionally
  • eating things I know are emotionally triggering
  • not moving my body
  • settling for "good enough" too often
  • living in fear of what "could be"
  • living mindlessly and in distraction
  • berating myself constantly
  • worry about what I can't control
I want to set myself up for a more positive, loving year. In 2013, I hope to:

  • eat mindfully (Mindful Eating Marathon, here I come!)
  • move my body more
  • be gentle with myself
  • sit with and honor my feelings instead of running from them
I am not one for resolutions but I think it's good to plan ahead a bit, especially when it comes to taking good care of myself!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Last night, I had two interesting realizations regarding my healing process.

  1. At night, I sometimes crave fruit for dessert. However, I have a hard time eating it because it triggers diet thoughts in my head, like it's what I'm "supposed" to be eating. A lot of the times, I choose another snack instead but I understand it's a good sign I am having the cravings and working towards honoring them more fully. I know I need to be in a place where I can eat whatever, whenever I want it (including "healthier" foods) and I don't think I'm there yet.
  2. I don't eat enough at meals. This goes right along with my restrictive tendencies. I also like to snack a lot and I feel like I hold back at meals in order to be able to snack later. This is not honoring my hunger. I am going to work on making sure to pack larger breakfasts and lunches for work as I struggle more when I have to plan my meals ahead.
It made me feel good to realize these things. I know I am not done but I am making what feels like good, natural progress.

Thursday, December 13, 2012


I saw this quote today on the lovely Geneen Roth's Facebook page. I really think it is worth remembering and wanted to share it.

If you really tasted the food that was in your mouth--really, truly tasted it--you could not overeat. There would be a feast in each bite. Just so, if you really saw the person in front of you, the sky above you, the teacup in front of you, you would be knocked over by the beauty. You would feel, in each step, with each bite, that the purpose of being alive was unfolding in you--and you would know that that was all you ever wanted.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Exercise and body awareness

I have not been particularly active lately. As in, I've gone to the gym twice in the last two weeks or so. In fairness to me, I have been "active": running after my child, cleaning, decorating, etc. Just not formally exercising.

And I've been happier.

Sometimes, when I don't exercise, I get a little crazy, feel "fat" and just plain antsy. I have a sedentary job so that doesn't help either. I have been so busy recently that I haven't had time to even think about working out.

As things have calmed down in the last few days, I have realized I "should" go to the gym (first warning flag, I suppose). Actually, now that I think about it, I did go for a walk outside with coworkers a few times which technically is exercising but I guess I counted it more as socializing! Hmm, maybe I should give myself some credit for being more active than I think.

Nevertheless, I did go to the gym today. I found myself worrying about what exercises I should do or what would be the most effective activity. I felt like I couldn't leave until I had worked enough muscle groups and then wasn't sure I still did enough.

Maybe the gym isn't the place for me? Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and not just enjoying the physical movement?

Thursday, December 6, 2012


I love Christmas.

I love the pretty lights, presents, festive music, and the whole goodwill toward men.

That last one can get a little sticky though.

Bad traffic, long lines at the mall, covering for coworkers, overall holiday stress.

However, I think Christmas is still a strong reminder to be kind to others.

It is extremely easy to get in a rut of negativity, ugliness, and pettiness.

This month, I am going to try to make an extra effort to be nice to others and also not gossip. Sometimes, gossiping is worse than saying something directly ugly. Negative emotions are painfully contagious.

I will also make an effort to be extra kind to me. Can't spread the love if I'm not feeling it, right?

Gentle, kind, and peaceful.

Happy December. :)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Speaking of mindful eating...

Can we just talk about this pear for a minute?

Now, I am not normally a big pear fan but I bought a couple just for a little fruit variety. This poor dear has been sitting in my lunch bag for about a week. And it was the best pear ever. Soft, juicy, and sweet.

So, if you want a good pear, toss it in a corner for a few days and then it will be delicious! :-)

Mindful Eating Marathon

This is the kind of marathon I can get behind! Go to Susan Albers' blog for more information and sign up if you'd like.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Fear of change

Imagine for a moment that your life was different.

That you were different.

Braver. Stronger. Happier. Freer.

How does that make you feel?

For me, it is terrifying.

Why is that?

Even if it would be a positive change, the thought of even improving myself sends me to a scary place. The unknown is uncomfortable and my discomfort tolerance is almost non-existent. This is a little bit frustrating. I have even noticed that I have a hard time sitting with even mild hunger as a level of discomfort.

I want to be healthier. I want to be free of disordered eating and distorted thoughts and body image.

But this takes me out of my comfort zone.

How do you explore beyond your comfort zone? How do you tolerate the anxiety and fear?