Monday, May 7, 2012


*trigger alert*

It appears that my mental block remains.

Yesterday, I decided I would "cut out" soda, chocolate, and other sweets. I figured this would help me lose weight fairly quickly, cutting out "empty calories". Most of the day, I perseverated on my food choices. Looking back, I was restricting. And feeling self-righteous. And thin.

Yesterday was also fairly stressful (for various reasons). By the end of the day, I was fairly frazzled. I ended up having what you could call a "mini-binge": 6 mini-chocolate bars, 1 package of Swiss rolls, and an individual ice cream. I am surprised I didn't have a soda as well. While I was eating, I knew it was in reaction to my previously placed restrictions. Part of me wanted to stop and part of me didn't.

I know I am too hard on myself. I know I sometimes use IE as an excuse to restrict or overanalyze my food choices. Labels make me comfortable and restrictions (in any sense) make me feel safe. That "too much" fear coming back again. "Letting go" in any sense is always terrifying, even though I know it would feel so. good.

Journal entry to follow focusing on just eating what sounds good and trying not to worry about the choices. I may need to take a journal break if that doesn't work in order to de-focus a little bit.

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