Day 2: Raw

Yesterday was pretty rough. I joked (sort of) with my husband that I had removed my only coping skill but eliminating sweets from my diet. In some ways, this is very true. I had a rough night with a fussy baby and had a much harder time than usual dealing with it. My dear husband actually sent me to take a nap at one point (such a good idea!). Later in the evening, I told him I just felt "raw". My emotions felt much more at the front, like my nerves were exposed. I don't think this is a bad thing, just different for me. Hopefully the passing days will force me to adjust and take care of myself in better ways.

Emotional Eating: A 31-Day Challenge

(It would have been 30 but I technically started yesterday!)

Emotional Eating.

I have talked about it before. It is a big problem for me. I eat when I'm hungry, tired, sad, happy, bored, excited. I eat because I want a treat, I went to run an errand, or something good or bad happened. My go-to emotional foods are sweets. Candy and pastries of any kind, primarily. On Friday, I ate a king-size bag of peanut butter M&Ms. I wasn't hungry; my rationale was that I had my period and, therefore, should eat them.

Makes sense, right? Ha.

This is obviously very far from eating intuitively and has caused me to gain even more weight. I know this is not my natural state because I know I have been overeating and emotionally eating to an unhealthy degree. I eat regularly when I am not hungry and just to "numb out". This is especially difficult at work when I can get bored and snacks are very on-hand.

So.

A challenge. 31 days worth. No sweets at all. While I don't feel like I will really be depriving myself (I've gotten more than my fair share of sweets lately!), I am a little nervous about what will happen when I get tired or bored, particularly at work. I am going to try and discover some replacement habits, such as having a cup of tea or walking away from my desk for a few minutes. I am going to Target to stock up on other snacks today to make sure I don't get hungry. I hope to keep up a similar habit of what I ate yesterday:

half bagel with butter and cup of tea
leftover chicken mole
Dr. Pepper (tapering back off to avoid headache!)
apple with melted cheese
hot dogs, beans, cabbage and potatoes
applesauce

As I mentioned before, I had a pretty easy time since I was at home. I was never overly hungry and didn't really have any bad moments. After dinner was the hardest but I tried to get creative and really make sure I was hungry.

1 day down, 30 to go!

"Healthy"

(trigger alert)

I hate this word.

I understand it can mean a lot of different things. Like, "Your daughter's checkup was fantastic; she is very healthy!" But you know what I am talking about.

Specifically, the phrase "healthy eating".

It just makes me angry. The H word is imposed onto so many things and banned from so many others. For example, lettuce is "healthy". However, cookies are "not healthy". It can even get nitpicky. Chocolate is one of those on-the-fence foods and dark chocolate is considered "healthier". Really??

It is also insidious when it comes to diet talk. How many times have you heard, "Oh, I'm not on a diet. I am just trying to eat healthier." My mom says this ALL the time. It drives me batty because all she is really doing is restricting. She never eats dessert and barely snacks and eats pretty much the same exact thing every day.

I think people don't realize how dangerous this can be. Last night, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Top Chef. The contestants were charged with making some picnic-type foods "healthier". One contestant was criticized for making a homemade roll and a judge said, "Bread is just empty calories". I was so angry I had to turn off the show.

What is your opinion on this word? Will you be more vigilant about how you use it or how you hear it used in daily life?

"Normal Eating"

"Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it... not just stopping eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection, to get the right food, but NOT being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along with way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

       Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings."~Ellyn Satter (source)

I love this quote. I need to come back and read it regularly. If you haven't noticed, I have been a tad obsessive about my eating habits lately. Overanalyzing what/when/how much and nitpicking my body's responses. In relation to my recent low-sugar crusade, that was a crash and burn and, guess what? I feel fine. I have eliminated soda from my diet but only because I didn't want it anymore; I just no longer found it appealing. It is a huge struggle not to feel self-righteous about it and think I'm doing something "good".

Dieting always drove me batty (imagine that!) because I became so obsessive about the dieting. I would be really "successful" but, as expected, would put weight back on as soon as I stopped dieting. I think I am abusing IE in this way; focusing way too closely on everything I eat and spending too much time in my head. In the last few days, my eating habits have been all over the place but I have felt physically fine and not guilty about what I ate. So, at least for a bit, you may see less actual journal entries as I take a break for my own wellness.

Journal Entry: lower sugar/simple carbs

Here's my first day of eating less processed sugar and simple carbs.

Breakfast
Tea with cream and a touch of sugar. I have recently discovered this vs. my straight black tea. I love it and it feels so indulgent!
2 hard boiled eggs with salsa and salt. This was an odd one for me. I enjoyed it but am really used to a carb-heavy breakfast. I felt pretty good after eating it though and it kept me full for about 2 hours (my average)

Morning snack
Cheese stick and apple. This is an average snack for me any day. Very enjoyable!

Lunch
Lunch was sad. I had some leftover cubesteak and corn planned but for some reason it tasted funny (like the container maybe?) I had about 3 bites and threw it out.

Snack
Another cup of tea for an afternoon perk
Obviously, I am still pretty hungry. I had a pack of wheat crackers with cheese which weren't great. I also had a Cutie orange which was awesome. I am still a little hungry but want to wait a little while to see how I feel.

Later snack
I work later in the evening so get fairly hungry around 4-5. Decide on some trail mix (my last snack left anyway!).

Dinner
Chicken and potatoes. Fairly basic as usual!

When Food Makes You Feel Bad

While I was pregnant, I developed Gestational Diabetes. It wasn't a serious case and was easily managed by my diet. I am typically hypoglycemic and they think this may have had an effect.

Before I was diagnosed officially, I was definitely symptomatic. In the morning especially, if I had something too sugary (soda) or too carb-heavy (oatmeal), my heart would race. After the dietary adjustments, these symptoms went away.

7 months postpartum, they have returned.

I have always been a heavy carb eater because that was always the easiest way to control my blood sugar. I also love sweets (as you well know). But now it seems to be affecting me negatively.

My food is making me feel bad. Physically.

So.

My plan is to go back to somewhat of the GD diet. Less simple carbs, more protein. I think this is a really important part of IE. It can be easy to eat what is comforting or just "sounds good". But listening to your body more closely can tell you some interesting things.

Self Care

Golda did a great post on what she called Intuitive Living.

It talks about really focusing on taking care of yourself and nourishing your whole self. I think this can be something easy to forget; while it's important to eat in a way that nourishes your body and mind, there are other activities that should be remembered as well that can help you take care of yourself. I am notoriously bad at putting myself last and trying to caretake others. Ironically, I sometimes make things harder because I spread myself too thin and then can't really help anyone.

Over the weekend was a perfect example. I went to run errands with unstyled hair, no makeup, half in my pajamas. Mildly embarrassing, really. While it's not necessary to always be dressed to the nines, I felt like I had given up on my appearance for the day which made me feel worse.

While this example is a very small scale example of Intuitive Living, we need to be more purposeful about our lives, as best we can. One of my favorite lines is, "You can't take care of anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself." Put yourself first more often and notice how you feel. Do you feel guilty? Excited? Relieved?