Loving myself in the new year.

Most days, I have a hard time loving myself. I do many things that are the opposite of self-love:

• eating or drinking things I know make me feel ill
• eating in secret
• eating emotionally
• eating things I know are emotionally triggering
• not moving my body
• settling for "good enough" too often
• living in fear of what "could be"
• living mindlessly and in distraction
• berating myself constantly
• worry about what I can't control

I want to set myself up for a more positive, loving year. In 2013, I hope to:

• eat mindfully (Mindful Eating Marathon, here I come!)
• move my body more
• be gentle with myself
• sit with and honor my feelings instead of running from them

I am not one for resolutions but I think it's good to plan ahead a bit, especially when it comes to taking good care of myself!

Progress

Last night, I had two interesting realizations regarding my healing process.

1. At night, I sometimes crave fruit for dessert. However, I have a hard time eating it because it triggers diet thoughts in my head, like it's what I'm "supposed" to be eating. A lot of the times, I choose another snack instead but I understand it's a good sign I am having the cravings and working towards honoring them more fully. I know I need to be in a place where I can eat whatever, whenever I want it (including "healthier" foods) and I don't think I'm there yet.
2. I don't eat enough at meals. This goes right along with my restrictive tendencies. I also like to snack a lot and I feel like I hold back at meals in order to be able to snack later. This is not honoring my hunger. I am going to work on making sure to pack larger breakfasts and lunches for work as I struggle more when I have to plan my meals ahead.

It made me feel good to realize these things. I know I am not done but I am making what feels like good, natural progress.

Mindfulness

I saw this quote today on the lovely Geneen Roth's Facebook page. I really think it is worth remembering and wanted to share it.

If you really tasted the food that was in your mouth--really, truly tasted it--you could not overeat. There would be a feast in each bite. Just so, if you really saw the person in front of you, the sky above you, the teacup in front of you, you would be knocked over by the beauty. You would feel, in each step, with each bite, that the purpose of being alive was unfolding in you--and you would know that that was all you ever wanted.

Exercise and body awareness

I have not been particularly active lately. As in, I've gone to the gym twice in the last two weeks or so. In fairness to me, I have been "active": running after my child, cleaning, decorating, etc. Just not formally exercising.

And I've been happier.

Sometimes, when I don't exercise, I get a little crazy, feel "fat" and just plain antsy. I have a sedentary job so that doesn't help either. I have been so busy recently that I haven't had time to even think about working out.

As things have calmed down in the last few days, I have realized I "should" go to the gym (first warning flag, I suppose). Actually, now that I think about it, I did go for a walk outside with coworkers a few times which technically is exercising but I guess I counted it more as socializing! Hmm, maybe I should give myself some credit for being more active than I think.

Nevertheless, I did go to the gym today. I found myself worrying about what exercises I should do or what would be the most effective activity. I felt like I couldn't leave until I had worked enough muscle groups and then wasn't sure I still did enough.

Maybe the gym isn't the place for me? Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and not just enjoying the physical movement?

Kindness.

I love Christmas.

I love the pretty lights, presents, festive music, and the whole goodwill toward men.

That last one can get a little sticky though.

Bad traffic, long lines at the mall, covering for coworkers, overall holiday stress.

However, I think Christmas is still a strong reminder to be kind to others.

It is extremely easy to get in a rut of negativity, ugliness, and pettiness.

This month, I am going to try to make an extra effort to be nice to others and also not gossip. Sometimes, gossiping is worse than saying something directly ugly. Negative emotions are painfully contagious.

I will also make an effort to be extra kind to me. Can't spread the love if I'm not feeling it, right?

Gentle, kind, and peaceful.

Happy December. :)

Speaking of mindful eating...

Can we just talk about this pear for a minute?

Now, I am not normally a big pear fan but I bought a couple just for a little fruit variety. This poor dear has been sitting in my lunch bag for about a week. And it was the best pear ever. Soft, juicy, and sweet.

So, if you want a good pear, toss it in a corner for a few days and then it will be delicious! :-)

Mindful Eating Marathon

This is the kind of marathon I can get behind! Go to Susan Albers' blog for more information and sign up if you'd like.

Fear of change

Imagine for a moment that your life was different.

That you were different.

Braver. Stronger. Happier. Freer.

How does that make you feel?

For me, it is terrifying.

Why is that?

Even if it would be a positive change, the thought of even improving myself sends me to a scary place. The unknown is uncomfortable and my discomfort tolerance is almost non-existent. This is a little bit frustrating. I have even noticed that I have a hard time sitting with even mild hunger as a level of discomfort.

I want to be healthier. I want to be free of disordered eating and distorted thoughts and body image.

But this takes me out of my comfort zone.

How do you explore beyond your comfort zone? How do you tolerate the anxiety and fear?

Processing a mini-binge

You might not even call it that. I ate two candy bars, big whoop. But it feels like kind of a big deal. It was purely emotional eating.

The last two days have been extremely stressful. Yesterday, there were a bunch of unexpected layoffs at my job. Last night, my dear daughter slept poorly due to a tummyache, which means I slept poorly. I had terrible coffee this morning. We found out more bad information about the layoffs and other future unknowns. The work day has gone by slowly. At the end of the day, I am pretty much by myself and it's lonely and I'm stressed and anxious and tired.

I decide I want some chocolate. I'll also note I had a soda today for the first time in days and I know soda can trigger other sweet cravings (whoops). I finally give in and go to the vending machine and get two candy bars because I can't decide. Back at my desk, I eat both back-to-back.

I feel my blood sugar skyrocket and actually get a little dizzy. I do make the smart decision to refill my water cup and drink a bunch of water to help flush the sugar somewhat. Now, I feel mildly guilty and stupid. My anxiety is a little better just because I have numbed out a little bit. I am still fairly exhausted, and still by myself. I realize I could have called someone for support, or done a gratitude check (I do this and feel stupider but still grateful for what I do have). I am also grateful for the lesson that, yet again, the food does not make the pain go away.

Personal Style

Lately, I have realized that a lot of my clothes don't fit like they used to. After a baby, things just aren't in the same places! While my weight has been stable for the last year or so, my clothes still fit differently. I especially noticed that my jeans were painful to wear. I am extremely sensitive to ill-fitting clothes (having suffered in too-small pants for years in hopes of weight loss) and cannot stand anything tight on my stomach.

Recently, I have been perusing Wardrobe Oxygen and Hannah Marcotti who talk a lot about personal style, comfort, and being true to yourself. I realized that I have lost whatever style I had. Don't get me wrong, I've dabbled in many: preppy, skater, goth, corporate. My current job is sedentary and casual so there is minimal impetus to dress nicely at all and with an infant, comfort always wins. I was talking to my dear husband about this last night and he made a poignant statement: "You look how you feel."

Well, crap.

Last night, I purged my closet. I now have no jeans to speak of and I also got rid of all of the shirts I tug down or stretch out to make more comfortable. In the process, I actually discovered some great things I had forgotten or haven't even worn. For example, today I am wearing a great thrifted long skirt with a comfy drawstring waist. It's still dressier than I normally do but super comfortable and makes me feel pretty. I am going to make an effort to focus on what makes me feel good, inside and out. And that includes my wardrobe.

Journal Entry: letting go

As you've probably been able to tell, I have had a difficult time with urges to restrict. I am working hard towards being very gentle with myself (what a nice problem to have!) so I thought I would try a journal entry to help process some feelings.

Breakfast 9:30am
I had a yogurt with almonds planned. I am sick of yogurt but can't think of another breakfast food to have. I have an inkling it's become a "safe" food for me which is not okay. I decide I am really craving a biscuit so I stop in the way in to work and get a yummy iced blueberry biscuit with a sweet tea. It is just what I wanted! I'll sip on the tea most of the day.

I notice I've been having major carb cravings. Some of this may be because I am tired or stressed but at this point I am honoring my cravings and find myself satisifed.

Lunch 12:00pm
Planned: half a chicken breast with leftover Thanksgiving stuffing (cornbread and sausage, yum!) and leftover sugared yams. It is way more than I know I will eat but I figure I can snack on it in the afternoon (and, honestly, was too lazy to portion it out of the containers it was already in!). I eat until I'm full and feel satisfied, with plenty of leftovers.

Snack 3:00pm
Post-workout and fairly hungry. I decide to finish off the yams and some of the stuffing from lunch. Yummy!

Dinner 7:00pm
I started getting a bit hungry about 15 minutes before I left work but I decided to wait until dinner. I have a habit of late afternoon snacking and then I'm not hungry for dinner. Corn, boiled potatoes, and thin-sliced steak with some balsamic sauce. YUM!

Snack 10:30pm
This does seem late to eat but I don't normally go to bed until at least midnight since my dear daughter is a night owl. Small slice of apple pie (warmed of course!) and vanilla ice cream. Love it!


Overall, I ate exactly what I wanted and felt satisfied. My one lesson for today is that I should eat bigger meals. When I eat more at mealtime, I don't have that constant nagging peckishness all day long. I also will be replacing breakfast yogurt ASAP.

Realizing restricting.

I always thought I was an overeater. I am an emotional eater, so I must eat too much, right?

Maybe not.

I am a chronic dieter. I had a period of binge eating/flirt with bulimia in graduate school; ironically, I was at my lowest weight from a recent heinous diet plan. I think I might have been starving, really.

I cannot, however, seem to get rid of the diet mentality and trend towards restriction. Every time I try to be more intuitive and just let myself eat what I want, when I really want it, I find myself filled with feelings of guilt and doubt. I "feel fat". And down the rabbit hole we go. And I start trying to restrict, either in general or specific food groups.

I have realized that I really need to allow myself to just eat whatever, whenever. Even if it's not entirely intuitive. Even if it's just for fun or because I have a craving. I need to allow myself to just "be". Until food is no longer taboo or shiny or a drug, until I can eat without guilt or fear, I need to be gentle with myself. Restriction should not be a weight loss strategy or coping mechanism; it should be a sign that I need to look more closely at what I'm feeling and remember that eating is a good thing and part of enjoying life.

Processing.

Fair warning: kind of a random, whiny, rant post.

I am exhausted.

The baby had a terrible night so I am not sure I got more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep.

Also, my parents came over for the day and in fact, ruined the day.

My husband tried to have a bonding moment with my father, per my prodding. My father managed to be totally dismissive of it and make my husband feel like an idiot.

My mother succeeding in bringing almost every conversation back to food or weight. This is after earlier in the day telling me that being hungry after meals is a good thing.

I hate that my parents have such an impact on my emotional state. It makes me feel like I have poor boundaries but, they are my parents.

I hate that my patience was short with my daughter last night because I felt raw from the day's events.

I hate that I beat myself up about all of this and ruined my own day to some degree.

I wish I didn't feel so numbly depressed today.

Pink Sparkly Lip Gloss

Today, at 5:28pm, I put on pink sparkly lip gloss.

My day is about over, my hair is a mess and my makeup is mostly gone from my face.

But I still put on pink lip gloss.

Just because.

It's totally impractical, a little daring (at least for me), but it makes me feel good.

I don't take enough time for myself. I don't try hard enough to make myself feel good. I think my worth is hiding under extra weight or belly bulge when, really, it's just buried under years of fear and self-loathing.

I am worth pink sparkly lip gloss.

On Dieting

I have a confession to make.

I bought Weight Watchers materials online. (I'm too cheap to actually sign up so just ordered a set of their materials on Ebay.)

I was tired of being "fat". I wanted to lose weight (still kinda do). I wanted an "easy solution".

To be entirely honest, it has been a little helpful. It has helped me curb some mindless eating and has made me really look at my emotional eating triggers instead of hopping right into the eating part.

However.

I'm hungry.

Also, carbs seem to be somewhat of a no-no. Foods are given different values, which of course is hugely ED triggering.

It has also made me remember something really important: it's not about the food. Food is a symptom of deeper emotional issues for me. I overeat to numb out. I believe that if the emotional issues are resolved, the food issue will also resolve (at least for me).

Also, eating should be a natural thing. Some days (like today), I am hungrier than others. Some days, I may be less hungry. It should be a natural balance, not something of weighing and measuring and I shouldn't feel bad about what I eat. Ever.

So, did I really waste $50? I am wondering if it was worth the lesson learned.

Toxic People

In trying to be more positive, you always hear that it's important to surround yourself with positive people. It's interesting how, lately, I've realized how many negative people are in my life: people that complain, are mean to others (or me), or just seem to spread toxicity in their daily lives.

Sometimes, it is hard to get away from these people. You may work with them or they may even be family. Toxic people may be friends with folks that you consider your own friend. I struggle with this the most. There is a woman in my life who is regularly rude to me and actively dislikes me in a public way. I used to be friendly with her but have since ended my relationship with her. We only interact when absolutely necessary. However, she is friends with some of my friends. This is a huge conflict for me because I don't understand how they can continue to be friendly with her when they want to also be friends with me and know how badly she treats me.

I am not quite sure how to deal with this. One option is obviously to withdraw from the women I consider friends. I have done this to some degree already in self-protection. I could have a conversation with them about my issues; I did try this with the woman I am closest with but don't think it really went anywhere. I feel like by continuing to be friends with her despite her behavior, in some ways they are accepting it, whether or not they talked to her about it and especially because, after one particularly hateful interaction with me, she did not apologize or acknowledge she did anything wrong.

I don't like feeling like a victim and I don't want one person to impact how I interact with others but I want to make the best and healthiest choice for myself and my own self-growth.

Positive Thinking update

So....not totally successful. I definitely had some unkind words (said to myself) for a few folks on a conference call who forgot to mute themselves or were rude to the presenter. I did notice what I said and tried to think about why it was and then gave myself a bit of a break about it. Sometimes, people will annoy you!

I had one self-talk incident: at the mall. There's a surprise. I was trying on clothes and needed a bigger size and was unhappy about the way my belly looked in some shirts. I immediately felt my mental train going down the tracks of "well, when I lose some weight" and feeling kind of panicky. I tried to check in and stop the negative train but it was tough. I tried to acknowledge the thoughts and feelings and simply move forward from them. I'll continue to think about them and ways to combat them.

Interestingly, Day 5 in Rosie's book is still about positive self-talk and self-affirmations. I think I need some more practice!

Positive Thinking

I was recently the lucky winner of Rosie Molinary's  book Beautiful You. It is a daily journaling guide, in some respects. The first few days focus on goal setting and discovering your dreams for yourself. Days 3 and 4 really spoke to me, as they focus on eliminating negative talk, internally and externally. I am guilty of both. I am really hard on myself and also very critical and judgemental of others. I think these typically go hand in hand. If I can't be patient with myself, why would I be patient with anyone else?

As a challenge, I am going to try and go a WHOLE day without saying anything negative about myself or anyone else. I know I may have negative thoughts and I will explore these with curiosity and try to release them. I also like the mindfulness idea of curious observance. When you come from a place of curiosity, it's a lot harder to be judgemental; you're trying to figure it out versus just judging it.

Wish me luck!

When your body speaks up.

Last week, I was trying to be gentle with myself and eat what sounded good. My goal with this was also to try and normalize foods for me, particularly ones I typically make taboo.

Off I went to Target. I bought several kinds of candy and some Little Debbie snack cakes. I discovered some fairly interesting things as a result:

1. I don't really like Twizzlers or any variation. I actually gave away a whole bag of chocolate Twizzlers and threw away half a bag of Red Vines.
2. Hershey's chocolate kind of sucks.
3. Little Debbie snacks really are yummy. And easy to binge on.

On Friday, I ate about 6 snack cakes in the afternoon at work. Afterwards, I felt absolutely horrible. My blood sugar skyrocketed and my heart started pounding. I ate little the rest of the day and felt terrible.
Then, over the weekend, I felt an odd pain in the pit of my stomach. I have a mild hiatal hernia and the pain was in that general area. I got scared because I didn't want to be making it worse. I was having pain at every meal. Saturday night and Sunday, I tried to be very careful about what I ate (following the guidelines for hernia management). By Sunday evening, I felt much better and was pain free.
On Monday, I was pain free through lunch. Then, I discovered the last Little Debbie snack in my desk and, impulsively, ate it.
And had pain again.
It went away after a bit but then in the afternoon, I ate some chocolate I had leftover as well. Stupid on multiple fronts since I don't even like it! I think I was having a bit of "last supper" mentality and also wanted to see if it really was excessive sugar triggering the pains.
It was.

Part of me is scared that I've treated and fed my body so poorly that it has had to exhibit symptoms to get my attention away from my emotional eating. However, part of me is grateful my body is able to do this and let me know what it needs, if I just listen.

Love your Body Day

Please join me, thanks to Rosie Molinary, in celebrating Love Your Body Day on October 17. See the link to sign the pledge!

Emotional eating.

Last night, I overate. I wasn't hungry and knew what I was doing in the moment. I could even identify the emotions related to the eating:

"I am tired"
"I don't have anyone to talk to"
"I feel alone"
"I feel sad and overwhelmed"
"I'm bored"

My mind actually was saying these things, rather loudly. All I could say back was that I didn't know how else to cope except to eat. I felt like it would be stupid to tell someone these feelings and ask for comfort. This is a bad habit of mine, not asking for help or even accepting offered help. The food is an easy go-to but ironically, I felt no better, which is actually a good thing.

I feel like I need to give myself a chance to be uncomfortable, even a little hungry. I eat almost every two hours, at the first sign of hunger. My emotions are a little out of whack (because of a medication I am on that affects hormone levels) and I am really quick to tamp them down. I need to try and "feel my feelings" for a little while and, oh, perhaps talk about them. Out loud.

Fear and loathing. (not in Las Vegas)

I have talked about this fear before. I have noticed recently how much I really hold myself back.

I overeat and keep myself at an unnatural weight for my body.
I only wear flats to be more practical.
I minimize my makeup to not draw too much attention.
Even when I try to buy edgier or more exciting clothes, I pair them with very bland pieces to detract from their interest and minimize attention.

That's really it. I am afraid of too much attention and, really, negative judgement. I know I shouldn't care what other people think and should just make myself happy. To be honest, I am really judgemental myself! I think self-loathing breeds negative thought processes towards others. Of course, I am especially critical of others' appearance because I am so hard on myself. I know that "like attracts like" so I am hoping that by making an attempt at being more positive and accepting, I will bring more positivity to myself and let go of some of the negative thought processes and fears that are embedded.

Journal entry: listening ears

Last night, I heard myself say, "Hmm, a cup of herbal tea would be really relaxing." Instead, I had two desserts and some candy and felt more anxious than ever.

IE Fail!

So, I think it's time for a journal entry to pay a little better attention.

It is important to note that we are in the process of doing a very mild version of sleep training with my dear 16 month old. She is fighting us all the way and waking up a lot at night so I am pretty exhausted. I know this can have a great effect on my eating habits so I am going to try my best!

Breakfast 9:30am
Hungry and tired. I succumb and have a cup of coffee at work. On mornings like this, even if coffee makes me a little wiry, I need to be perky at work. I do think I need to experiment with tea and see if it does perk me up enough with the edginess. But, coffee with cream and sugar it is.
To eat, I have a granola bar and a banana. I have recently noticed that my actual meals are fairly small (usually I'd just have a yogurt for breakfast) and then am hungry within two hours. Let's see how a larger breakfast does.
I also have my giant water cup filled to the brim! Ice cold water is one of my favorite things and I know I feel much better when I am well-hydrated.
Update: definitely had some heart palpitations from the coffee. Too much caffeine! In an attempt to listen to my poor, over-caffeinated body, eliminating coffee from the diet, especially when there isn't much food in my system.

Lunch 11:50am
Tried to wait as long as possible but now definitely hungry! Guess that breakfast didn't cut it. I need to go back to more protein in the mornings for sure. Also, the extra caffeine has me a little shaky. For lunch, I have carrots with ranch for dipping, a chicken sandwich with bbq sauce, and sour cream & onion chips. Definitely excited about this lunch and bigger than I normally would have (originally, I only planned for the sandwich).
I ate all of the sandwich and chips and a few carrots but the carrots seemed to hurt my stomach. I have had this problem with raw carrots before. I feel like I eat them because they're "healthy" but they don't typically agree with me. Pass. I feel fairly satisfied although totally craving something sweet to end my meal.
This is a tough thing for me. Sweets don't necessarily sate my physical hunger but feed a habit and emotional need. Without them, I feel a tad of restricting but with them I feel a bit of guilt. I think there is a happy medium in there with enjoying sweets but not using them as a comfort measure.
I decide on a piece of brownie that a coworker brought in. I really savored the first two bites and then, interestingly, felt satisfied. I am kind of eyeing the other chunk but will wrap it up for later!

1:25pm
Feeling a little hungry, so I decide to finish my brownie for a little energy boost before I hit the gym! Yum!

3:30pm
Back from the gym and cooled off after doing some work (no, I wasn't at the gym for 2 hours!). Hungry and debating on a snack, decide on an apple since that sounded good for the last little while. I'm not sure whether it will keep me full but I'll start here! About 30 minutes later, still hungry so decide on a greek berry yogurt with granola and a cup of tea. Hopefully this will hold me until dinner!

Dinner 7pm
Hungry! Spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread. I ate my serving and 2 pieces of bread. It was delicious and I felt satisfied but not stuffed. I had a Pepsi with dinner in hopes my headache would go away but to no avail.

Later in the evening, my mother-in-law made a cake. My husband gave me a bite of his and I found myself totally satisfied with that one bite. It helped that I was busy with the baby but I was a little surprised I didn't feel the need to have a big dessert tonight.

HALT!

HALT!

Who goes there? It's your triggers talking.

HALT is a phrase that is commonly used in substance abuse recovery. However, I think it applies very well to disordered eating and checking in with ourselves. Here's what it means:

H: Hungry. Are you legitimately hungry? This is a good first check in because, if you're not, think about what else is going on.

A: Angry. Are you upset or emotional about something? Are you at risk of emotional eating? What do you need right now?

L: Lonely. Very similar to Angry I think. Loneliness is a really bad trigger for me to comfort eat.

T: Tired. I know when I am tired, I eat more unconsciously, I think in an attempt to perk myself up. I think another "T" can be Thirsty. Being well-hydrated definitely can help curb the munchies and make me feel better.

I think HALT applies well to Intuitive Eating and I plan to utilize it much more often to check in with my body to make sure I'm meeting its real needs.

Food Observations

Lately, I have been making mental notes about how certain foods affect my mood and physical state. It's funny because at first, it seemed to develop without my even being aware I was doing it. Here are a few examples:

Coffee: makes me feel edgy and agitated. Definitely too much caffeine!
Tea: just enough caffeine. If i had a little milk and sugar, it feels indulgent.
Ice cream: seems to trigger further sweet cravings. When I have it after dinner, I then end up having more than one sweet snack. It also isn't filling.
Baked beans: love the taste of them but always end up with stomach discomfort.

The interesting thing is that, while I am acknowledging the negative impact of some things I am consuming, that isn't stopping me from doing so. I think, really, I'm just not ready. I think intuitive eating is a process, and not a quick one. I am just now starting to be more observant and objective. I don't want to rush things and trigger dieting behavior (again) but allow myself to explore things thoroughly and patiently.

Goal Setting

I have two very distinct goals in my head.

1. Make foods amoral and not a big deal.
2. Lose weight.

Over the last week, #2 has been winning.

I even considered Weight Watchers and researched them. Thankfully, I am really too cheap to pay for a diet. I did restrict yesterday and ended up overeating at night because I was, well, hungry!

I also feel like I can see the horizon where food is not so important but I just...can't get there. I think because I have conflicting goals, this creates a roadblock (ha, more transportation metaphors). Being thin is not as important as my mental health. Dieting also makes me a boring, unpleasant person: a hungry girl who can't think or discuss anything beyond food or appearance.

I think that's why food is so important to me; eating and dieting have always been my hobbies. I was never really encouraged to explore my passions as a younger person; be successful, fit in, and, well, that's about it. I think if I'm able to explore other passions and interests, this will help the food obsessions fall by the wayside and help me work towards goal #1.

Taking care.

Today is another day of not feeling well.
Too much caffeine, not enough simple carbs.
Excess anxiety.
Not enough pampering.

I noticed this especially while in the ladies' room with a coworker. She is a very nice girl and always looks very put together, fresh, and bright. Her outfits are pretty and pressed, her hair done neatly.

I, on the other hand. Ill-fitting jeans (I can't bring myself to buy more), chipped nail polish, dirty hair sloppily thrown on my head. It made me sad to see the contrast.

Yes, I have a busy life and a toddler. Yes, my time to pamper is limited. But, seriously? I couldn't even be bothered to throw together a decent lunch. I even managed to pack a moldy muffin in my lunch bag. Sad.

There is a feeling of guilt about spending time on myself. Eating has always been my comfort so it seems foreign and decadent to spend my time in other ways. Overeating is not pampering though. Polished nails and styled hair is.

Here's to a better lunch and better manicure tomorrow. I'll update!

Feeding your emotions

I have a stomach ache.

I have been eating when I'm not hungry and eating things I know might make me feel unwell (Burger King, anyone?).

Today, while eating some candy, I realized I had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Not from hunger, but from anxiety. It was like feeding some like anxious beastie in my belly. The candy did "quiet the beast" temporarily but now I'm physically suffering.

Thank goodness for chamomile tea.

I think this is an important moment, however unpleasant. I am going to try and be more cognizant of, when I'm wanting to eat, if I'm feeding physical hunger or emotional hunger.

Hungry and Emotional

I almost made it through the day yesterday without eating emotionally.

I had a really trying afternoon and was offered candy but did pass on it because I knew I would only eat it because I was upset. I felt some sense of success but was still fairly frazzled.

However, last night, I ended up alone watching the baby; everyone else was either not feeling well or in crabby moods. Loneliness/fatigue are definitely major trigger emotions for me. I am a little on the fence about what happened; I was hungry and chose to eat sweets to make myself feel better. So, sort of an emotional eating moment but I was actually hungry. Hm. I did feel better after eating it but also some guilt.

I am not sure whether I am giving myself too hard a time. I definitely thinking that eating when I am not hungry is not a good thing. As Christie discussed this morning, this is kind of like putting food in the garbage can, a total waste. However, eating something I enjoy when I'm hungry but that I know will make me feel better emotionally....hmm.

Bring back that lovin' feeling...

Yeah, not feeling the love so much today.

I am tired, irritable, and edgy.

Last night was the first night in a while that I didn't eat anything after dinner. I really wanted to but I kept checking in with myself and I just wasn't hungry.

And I was really unhappy about it. I went to bed feeling depressed and pitiful. I woke up this morning feeling grumpy and grumbly and like nothing was going to go my way.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Not really, when you haven't really been feeling your feelings for quite some time. I feel like Edie is pouting and feels like I don't love her. Ironic that I am aiming for quite the opposite. My inner self wants to sulk and be negative and stompy today. However, life is not that bad today. The weather is beautiful, I have a hot cup of tea and a cranberry muffin for breakfast. Yes, there are challenges each day but that is no reason to spew negativity into the world.

Okay, pep talk done, wish me luck!

The Deal.

I am an emotional eater. Yes, I admit it.

My husband is a smoker.

We both want to stop.

So, yesterday, after struggling through a workout (at least I did), we made a deal. He'll quit smoking if I start taking better care of myself and trying to get my emotional eating in check. We are hoping to keep each other accountable and encourage each other to improve our health and mental wellness.

I am a little scared. It's like letting go of a security blanket. It's hard to get out of a comfort zone, even if it's for the best.

It's really not about the food.

Today, I had a realization about an aspect of my life.* It has not been going well and the stress came to a head today. This afternoon, I made a decision to start moving forward from it and made actions to do so. I also ended up having a soda and candy bar (wanted the pick me up and craving chocolate) for the first time in days (restricting again, yay). And all I experience is peace.

Sure, Edie is in the background a tad, whispering about my fat belly and how I'll fail again. But really, I realize so much of my pain and stress is not about the food. I just mask other things with it and then blame my continued discomfort on the overeating. What a concept, deal with my problems and feel better! I had no emotional connection to my snack, just a satisfaction and enjoyment. And I felt relief at having addressed a significant life stress.




*please excuse the vagueness. I don't want to reveal anything until I feel it's safe to do so. It doesn't have to do with my personal life though. :)

Avoidance

Well, hi there.

I didn't realize I could be avoidant. Normally, I am not a head-in-the-sand kind of person. At least, I thought I wasn't.

As I've mentioned before, life has been pretty crazy lately. When this happens, I tend to back-burner myself and not focus on my own needs. And, like most people, I revert back to bad habits. This includes restriction and diet mentality. I tried to "give up" sweets again because I felt like I was overeating them (probably true due to emotional/stress eating).

The other night, I had a really strong craving for cake. I was physically hungry and really wanted cake, which we had in the house. However, I was avoiding (see: restricting) sweets so I tried to make do with a bowl of cereal. It sated the hunger but I felt totally dissatisfied and was in a crabby mood the rest of the evening. I became even more frustrated that I was spending so much time perseverating about freaking cake! I feel like there are so many more important things I could be focusing on and enjoying instead of ruining my night talking and thinking about dessert. I haven't wanted to look at my feelings and sit with them but I also haven't wanted to take care of myself. I "feel fat" and like a failure.

Hiding is much easier and avoidance keeps away the uncomfortable feelings. It's much easier to focus on food and weight than possible job loss and family stress. My poor husband has been so sad for me that I'm in a bad place, practically and emotionally. I feel like I'm stuck in a tar pit and, to some degree, am comfortable there. I am not sure why it's so scary to think about just allowing myself to be happy and fabulous. Outside the box is a terrifying place.

I am hoping to get through the next week or so, when a lot of my external stressors should resolve to some degree. I need to give myself a break, move my body more in a positive manner and not worry so much about my eating habits.

Feeling good enough.

I have struggled with depression on and off in my life. Bipolar disorder runs in my family. I have a running thought process that tells me I'm a bad person. Rationally, I know this is not true.  I am a good wife and mother, a good daughter, and a successful career woman. But sometimes, it's hard to feel good enough.

As I've mentioned before, I have a fear of being "too much". I know this lends itself to minimizing my good qualities or accomplishments. As a child, I was only ever praised for my intelligence. Not for my humor, or beauty, or kindness. Success was what seemed most important. Even that, however, I did not boast. You must appear "just right", not too loud or too proud or too vibrant.

That makes me really sad. As my emotional eating falls away, my feelings are a lot more prominent and these are at the forefront. It's important to feel your feelings but no one said it was pleasant. Growth sometimes comes with pain.

Sorry for the depressing post! I think we try to shy away from unpleasantness and darkness in life but, well, it's there. I also find that, through the darkness, we find the light.

Eating freely: an update

I have continued my little "experiment" over the last several days. Yesterday was a particularly stressful day and I had what I like to call a mini-binge. It started in the afternoon and continued a little bit after dinner. I was having some pretty strong feelings of guilt at first but, as I reached into a box of candy, I thought to myself, I am eating my feelings.

Woah.

I also thought, This is no fun.

I realized that I wasn't even enjoying the food I was eating. I was eating to help fill an abstract need and numb out uncomfortable feelings. I then sat down and told my husband about my feelings and talked it out. I felt silly because I hate talking about my emotions but I actually felt better (if a bit tired) afterwards.

Allowing my emotions to rule my eating actually ended up helping me realize that my emotions need more than food.

Eating freely: a journal entry

warning: this post may be disturbing or triggering for some folks. Heck, I might find it weird or triggering myself!

Today, I am working on just letting myself eat what I crave and not focusing too heavily on the cognitive aspects that can make me obsessive. This is going to be a purely emotional, gut-driven day.

9:30am
Arrive at work, VERY hungry. We have free bagels and cream cheese every other Friday so I partake in an onion bagel with garden veggie cream cheese and a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. The bagel is just okay; I should have toasted it but was being impatient. I eat it all primarily because I am hungry.

10:15am
I am not really hungry but not full either. I remember I have a chocolate snack cake and decide I want to eat it, primarily just "because I can". I think this is kind of an exploration of "naughty" behavior. I actually greatly enjoy it, taking the time to eat it mindfully (I am notorious for eating while doing other things). Yum! I definitely still feel a little "naughty" and rebellious but am happy I did it.

11:44am
I realize I don't want anymore of my coffee. I have had about 2/3 of it and just dump the rest.

12:10pm
Realize I'm hungry. I feel like this is a little early considering my morning eating but I trust my gut and go ahead and have lunch. I have a leftover pork chop, parmesan noodles, and applesauce. I love leftovers for lunch. For dessert, I have some swedish fish candies and open my Pepsi. I have a little feeling in the back of my mind that I'm not really hungry or that I don't "need" these things but I am honoring first cravings today. I feel like I need to work through these things and let my body understand that I will always feed it when it's hungry or care for it asking for something, even if that's a little off mark from where I am now.

1:45pm
I am realizing that my "treat" was not terribly satisfying. I think there is a really fine line, for me, between choosing to eat what makes me feel good and not feeling deprived from items I don't want to restrict or eliminate.

3pm
Headed down to the gym for a quick jog.

4:15pm
Feeling a little hungry but my stomach also hurts a little. I make a cup of hot tea with a touch of cream and sugar. I am having carby cravings. Even though it seems weird to me, I grab another bagel to munch on (half blueberry, half cinnamon raisin, technically). Comforting snack. I also decided to finish off my candy. It seemed I did this more so because it was there than any sort of craving. Frustrating, to say the least. It's almost like I have to eat it if it's there; I am thinking the old fear of deprivation/restriction is still hiding in there.

7:30pm
Dinner. Ravioli planned. Not terribly excited or hungry, so I eat a bit of it.

9:00pm
Dear husband made a cake and offers me some with a bit of ice cream. While I am not totally wanting it, I eat it anyway (even while I'm eating it, I think this is stupid). I totally don't enjoy it and eat it fairly mechanically.

Later in the evening, I have extreme feelings of anxiety and urges to restrict/diet. I process these feelings with dear husband and decide I need to really push through this.

Update: I have cake for breakfast the next morning, totally unapologetically. I also have dessert after every meal. The next day, I have one small dessert after dinner and feel satisfied. Hmm.

Normalizing food.

Well.

I have written two other blog posts, one of which I already deleted. They were about a perceived need to eliminate food groups in my diet and had a restrictive tone when I reviewed them. I then read a great article by the lovely Katie Paul about one of the more ignored aspects of IE: allowing yourself to eat freely and without judgement. The quote by Geneen Roth was especially compelling to me. I do have this fear that if I let myself eat whatever, whenever, I will eat cake and ice cream all day, every day until I am as big as a house (to be dramatic).

Unfortunately, the only way over this difficulty is through it. Otherwise the binge/restrict cycle continues. This makes sense to me but is utterly terrifying. I'll get fat! I won't stop eating sweets! I'll never be better!

Speaking of dramatic.

It's funny how scary it seems to let myself be and really trust my body. I do understand that Edie will probably want to go on a little spree, but I need to let her. I need to let her understand that eating is okay, whatever the food, whenever the time. Eating when I'm not even hungry is okay too. No food is forbidden. Eventually, she will calm down (and probably get sick of cake). If she still wants it though, that's okay too. I may do a post on a day of "freedom". I expect it may be a little disturbing or embarrassing but I am going to go with it and explore the relevant emotions.

How do you deal with eating fears?

Back from the great beyond.

Well.

Here I am again.

I've been a little busy (and maybe a tad avoidant). Sometimes, this blog is like looking in a magnifying mirror and I haven't been in a place where I've wanted to peer in lately.

I'll give the quick rundown of all that's been going on and then dive back in!

• On a sad note, we had to put down my 17-year-old dog. Obviously, he's ancient and was in pain and was starting to lash out at family members. We had him cremated and I have his little remains box on my dresser. I am still grieving but it was the right decision.
• On a much happier note, I bought a house! It was a tough process and the closing was a nightmare but it's done and we are (still) in the process of moving in.
• Back down the rollercoaster, there are some organizational changes at work that may affect my position. It's all very up in the air and extremely stressful. I am doing my best to do what I can and just make peace with it until I know more.

A short list but heavy enough! Stay tuned for an IE post.

Befriending your body

Today, I got a newsletter from Judith Matz at Diet Survivors. It included a bit of an excerpt from Rick Hanson that really struck me and I had to share it! I hope you find it as powerful as I did.
Befriend Your Body

Imagine that your body is separate from you, and consider these questions:

How has your body taken care of you over the years? Such as keeping you alive, giving you pleasure, and taking you from place to place.

In return, how well do you take care of your body? Such as soothing, feeding, and exercising it, or taking it to the doctor. On the other hand, in what ways might you run it down, feed it junk food, or intoxicate it?

If your body could talk to you, what might it say?

If your body were a good friend, how would you treat it? Would that be different from how you treat it now?

Remember a time when you treated a good friend well. What was your attitude toward your friend, and what kinds of things did you do with him or her? How did it feel inside to be nice toward your friend?

Next, imagine a day of treating your body like another good friend. Imagine loving this friend—your body—as you wake up and help it out of bed: being gentle with it, staying connected to it, not rushing about… what would this feel like?

Imagine cherishing your body as you move through the morning—such as helping it kindly to some water, giving it a nice shower, and serving it healthy and delicious food. Imagine treating your body with love as you do other activities, such as driving, caring for children, exercising, working with others, doing dishes, having sex, or brushing your teeth.

How would this approach feel?

You'd probably experience less stress, more relaxation and calm, more pleasure, more ease, and more of a sense of being in control of your life. Plus an implicit sense of being kind to yourself, since in a deep sense you don't just have a body, you are your body; treating it well is treating you well.

If your body could speak, what might it say to you after being treated with love for a day?

Then, for real, treat your body well for a day (or even for just a few minutes). What's this like? In what ways does it feel good? Notice any reluctance to be nice to your body. Maybe a feeling that doing so would be self-indulgent or sinful.

Explore that reluctance, and see what it's about. Then decide if it makes any sense. If it doesn't, return to treating your body well.

If you could talk to your body, what might you say? Perhaps write a letter to your body, telling it how you've felt about it in the past, and how you want to be nicer to it in the future.

Make a short list of how to care better for your body, such as quitting smoking, or leaving work sooner, or taking more time for simple bodily pleasures. Then commit to treating your body better.

Kindness begins at home.

Your home is your body.

A little perspective

This weekend, while working to spring clean a little in anticipation of our big move (did I tell you we are buying a house?!), I found an old photo album I didn't recognize. It turned out to be pictures from my college graduation and early graduate school, about 8-9 years ago.

At first, I was amused by my painfully blonde hair (I'm naturally a medium brown. My dear husband says I should never have blonde hair again). But then, I was deeply saddened. I thought to myself, wow, I look skinny. Graduate school was probably the darkest period of my life, diet-wise. My eating disorder was at its worst and I thought I was so fat. I got down to my lowest weight by my grad school graduation and my body was really sick.

I am now about 25 lbs heavier than then. I sat there thinking, if I thought I was fat then, what hope is there for me now? But then, I thought, no. I am tired. Tired of "feeling fat," tired of abusing my body and not appreciating it. Tired of wasting time. Enough is enough!

It's funny how a picture has so much power and reminds me of so much pain. I look at newer pictures, me with my baby girl, and I look happy. And thinner than my mind tells me I am. Pictures really so speak a thousand words.

Deprivation

Whenever I choose not to eat something sweet (as in, I really am not hungry and not terribly interested but it's still available), I have this intense feeling of deprivation. Like I am keeping myself from something wonderful and I have this strong feeling of sadness and, oddly, loneliness.

I am not sure if this is leftover from dieting days and purposefully restricting, or related to something more emotional and feelings of emotional neediness being filled by food. Probably a little of both.

I haven't quite mastered talking myself down from these feelings. I need to explore them more and find their root. I'm scared to pull at it but I know it needs to be examined.

Am I really being intuitive?

The answer to the question is No.

This post from Medical Marzipan made me realize that.

In an effort to not diet or work out in a punitive way, I became the anti-diet.

I overate. I ate mindlessly. I ate excessive amounts of sugar, especially when I wasn't hungry. I stopped working out regularly.

Last night, I realized what I was doing.

"I thought that if I removed the diet from my life, I would be able to thus weed out the self-hatred that I felt so deeply."

I was trying to accept myself in a place I am not happy with. And the negative feelings didn't go away.

Because I'm not really taking care of myself. Edie (you remember her) has been throwing a tantrum and making a mess.

Rationally, I know what is good for me. Less sugar, more movement, and less mindlessness.

Journal Entry

Thought I'd throw in a random journal entry for fun! May be a good progress check as well.

9:00am
I am dithering about what I want for breakfast. A biscuit and sweet tea sounds good but I am not sold on it. I have figured out that when I'm not really sure, I'm not really hungry. I save myself a few dollars and head on to work with the plan to eat my packed food for breakfast.

9:15am
Arrive at work, make a cup of green tea. I was in the mood for this and enjoy it.

10:30am
Rats! I got really sidetracked making phone calls and now am starving. I had originally planned a yogurt but that sounds hideous at this moment. I decide on a granola bar for breakfast. Not super filling but I figure lunch is around the corner at this point.

11:45am
Ready for lunch! I packed an Italian chicken and bowtie pasta salad. A little too much dressing but still  good. I eat almost all of it.

2:00pm
Getting sleeeepy. I kind of want a soda but am trying to avoid the extra sugar in the afternoon; I've found it makes me hungrier sometimes. I decide to make a cup of iced black tea and then, if I still want the soda in a bit, I'll get one. I also have an apple as my first afternoon nap. As you may have learned, I like to graze in the afternoons. It keeps me a little perkier and keeps any extra boredom snacking urges happy.

3:00pm
HUNGRY! I have some Trail Mix style Chex Mix, perfect for afternoon grazing.

7:00pm
Dinner, starving again! Griddled cube steak, mashed potatoes, and brussel sprouts. I felt like I inhaled this, I was so hungry. Definitely not a mindful meal.

9:00pm
I usually want some kind of a treat. I had some leftover Dairy Queen. It was just okay.

10:00pm
The husband and MIL were snacking on some Chex Mix so I had a few rye crisps. Not really hungry, just joining in on the snacking.

Stay tuned for a follow up post about my mindless eating...

Feelings about the gym.

I just started back at the gym after over a month off. I did the boot camp class but quit when I realized it was just too much to do in the evenings and really too strenuous for me. I worked out a bit at home but I loathe working out outside. Then, I got sick and had surgery. I finally ventured back to the gym in the last week or so.

And I've hated it.

Partly, my body doesn't feel the same. My hip still feels weird post-surgery so that just makes me nervous. I am not sure how hard to push my body or what it's really capable of. I feel like I pushed it hard for so long that I am trying to find a happy, healthy place of movement.

Working out has also made me more aware of my body, and not really in a good way. I notice the spots that are softer or weaker. I feel the burn of the exercise and register it as pain.

I want to try and focus on working out as functional improvement as opposed to aesthetic improvement, and this may be the key for me. While ignoring all of this and not moving my body feels safe and comfortable, this spot may not be the healthiest for me.

Intuitive Drinking

I am not much of a drinker.

I had my first "real" drink when I was in college. I did it more to fit in than out of any real desire to do it. Peer pressure 101. I had a fairly normal college drinking experience, over-imbibing on several occasions but mainly being a social drinker.

After college, I rarely drank, mainly again on social occasions. I do admit to sometimes drinking when upset (I recall the week my husband/then boyfriend had a weeklong fight and my evenings were spent with a vodka tonic or two). I didn't routinely keep alcohol in the house and mainly drank on evenings out.

I'm now 30 with an infant. I still don't routinely keep alcohol in the house and rarely drink outside of the house. I have found, in recent years, that it just makes me TIRED. One drink and I'm ready for a nap.

The stupid thing, however, is that I still do it! I know that the drink will make me tired and I still have it. Not very intuitive, is it? I think I have this idea that the alcohol will make my evening more relaxing or more fun or that it's expected. Instead, I always end up regretting it. Being totally sober seems depressing to me. But isn't my well-being more important?

So, here's to sobriety!

Weight Loss as a cure-all?

If you read Ragen Chastain (you should!), you can read tons of evidence about how diets do not work and that your weight is not directly connected to your health. You would think professional organizations would get that.

Nope.

There was recently a health screening fair at my job. You were paid $50 to get weighed, vitals done, and blood drawn.

I got the results today.

Most of my numbers were "within range". My HDL was low; well, according to one report. The other report showed it in the "normal range", so, not sure if I'm good or not. Also, they used BMI which is absolutely appalling. Not unexpectedly, mine was "out of range". Okay fine, I don't care about BMI because I know it was created by insurance companies and has no basis in reality or science.

The one thing that bothered me the most, however, was the fact that on the results pages, tips are given for improving your numbers. You can guess what the recommendation always was.

Weight loss.

Yes, weight loss would make my BMI lower. But how do they know it will improve my cholesterol? I could lose weight just eating 2 cheeseburgers a day. Healthy? Heck no! Will I lose weight? Possibly. Will my cholesterol improve? Doubtful.

I also almost got in an argument with a coworker because she is of the "old school", or more traditional group that is convinced that fat = unhealthy. We were talking about how these numbers may be used or how they may affect our insurance rates, particularly since everything is connected to weight and weight loss. Her comment was, "They (the overweight folks) should pay more for health insurance!" Shocked at first, I just decided to look at her and say, "Well, difference of opinion." I would have loved to say more but I understand her mentality is not going to change easily (based on her own behaviors related to food and weight) and I wanted to avoid an awkward conflict at work.

On a positive note, this all does greatly motivate me to continue fighting weight loss as a cure-all and help educate others on HAES and fat acceptance. Wish me luck!

Diminished.

Well.

Yes, I'm still here!

My focus has definitely been elsewhere lately. I am in the process of buying a house and exploring employment opportunities so my brain has been going hither and yon, lately. But, I have returned! Here are a few things that have been going on.

I had a free Body Love Breakthrough Session with the wonderful Golda Poretsky. We talked about my history and little bit and some of my concerns. One thing that came up that really struck me was the idea of feeling diminished by others, or trying to lessen myself in order to please others. It's funny how something like this can turn into a food issue, isn't it?

I grew up having a BIG personality. I was loud and rambunctious and all over the place. You would never know that, looking at me now. I learned at a young age that quiet was better, blending in was ideal, and being "more" than someone else was to be avoided. As an adult, I get negative reactions from peers whenever I am acting very confident or outspoken. The feedback loop continues.

It almost seems like a fun problem to have. Be more outspoken! Be your fabulous self! Scary, but fun.

I'm back!

I successfully made it out of surgery. I won't go into all the gory details but it ended up being more complicated than expected and my recovery was also a little longer. Unfortunately, I do have endometriosis. I go back to the doc next week to talk about my options.

It is a frustrating thing to feel like your body has betrayed you. Weird, bad things going on inside without your knowledge. It's also a very scary thing (even if my condition is fairly benign) to know how fragile we are.

Because of medications and recovery time, etc, my eating has been somewhat chaotic but I have been trying to pay attention to how I feel after I eat certain things, physically and emotionally. I have not taken any great actions but just doing lots of observing and trying to treat myself gently.

I am also not allowed to exercise for a minimum of two weeks. This has been nice but also a little frustrating. Exercise is a major source of stress reduction for me but I am dealing with it as best I can since there is no wiggle room here!

Updates to continue...

Sick Leave

I am having my laparascopic surgery on Thursday so, after today, I may be offline for a bit. I am definitely having some anxiety, particularly around the results. I just want to know what's going on, you know? Hopefully there will be a productive outcome.

I have been fairly successful with avoiding emotional eating lately. I acknowledge the feelings when they are occurring and try to sit with or deal with them as best I can. It has been exhausting though! I'll keep you updated.

Breaking Through. And Edie.

I am an emotional eater. I always have been. As I've mentioned before, my eating past is very disordered. I was also under an immense amount of pressure to "succeed": academically, professionally. This was seen as most important and I felt stifled and not encouraged to explore other passions or let my personality bloom.

Food has always been a source of comfort to me. When I was restricting, it was what I couldn't have, the "forbidden fruit". When I was bingeing, it filled the giant, painful void inside. It numbs me out, makes me feel better, happier, "fuller". The thought of not eating emotionally is terrifying.

But I have to do it.

It's not a healthy coping mechanism. I need to recognize, address, and appreciate my emotions. I need to find healthy manners of dealing with feeling uncomfortable, agitated, bored, or lonely.

Even if I can't fully do it for me, I can do it for my children. I want their mother to be happy, free, and balanced.

Edie.
In eating disorder recovery, some therapies encourage splitting away from your disordered self, identifying it as Other. While I was thinking about this, the name "Edie" came into my head. I picture Edie as a small, fragile, frazzled child. She needs attention, love, and understanding. Edie wants to eat the world to feel better when, in reality, she needs a cuddle and a push on the swingset. Instead of fighting with her and trying to hold her down during a tantrum, I will embrace Edie and talk to her more; try to understand her and comfort her. Edie isn't hungry all the time but she needs to feel whole and safe. I can't be fully recovered until Edie is, if that makes sense. While Edie isn't all that I am, she is a part of me I need to address and stop trying to push down with food.

Failing.

Last night, I almost had another mini-binge. If I had the opportunity, I probably would have. After eating several nighttime sweets, I felt really guilty and bad about myself. I again went back to feelings of wanting to restrict and lose x amount of weight.

Then I looked at my daughter playing on the floor.

I thought about having another child. If I get pregnant again, I'll gain weight again. Even if I lose weight now, it will come back then and I'll have to start all over.

I thought I was supposed to be over this. I was supposed to fix this for her. She can't see this, can't know that I deal with this. She will not go through this too.

That's when I realized I was failing.

Journal Entry

I am going to try really hard to listen to my mind and body today be gentle with myself today and not worry too much about my food choices. I am going to eat what sounds good, eat when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full. I am also going to try and make it to the gym this afternoon, time permitting.

Breakfast (9:30am)
I packed plain yogurt with mixed berry preserves stirred in. Ehh. I hadn't tried this before and plain yogurt has a cheesy taste to it. I think I am so used to sweetened yogurt, it's a shift. About halfway through my sugar felt like it was rising so I added in some almonds for protein. This added a nice crunch and helped balance the cheesy flavor. I also had a cup of green tea. I am loving green tea in the morning, very refreshing!

Lunch (12:45pm)
Salad with ranch dressing and a turkey sandwich on dark rye. This was a really good lunch! I felt like I was eating a lot but I continued to eat until I felt full (and it was all gone). I also had a Pepsi after lunch to help perk me up!

I went to the gym around 2:45. I did a quick warmup on the treadmill (the machine sounded wonky so I didn't want to try running!) and then did a brief elliptical workout. It was a little hard (still healing from my respiratory virus) but felt good!

Snack (3:55pm)
I was just thinking that I really wanted some fruit and then remembered I had some green grapes! I was unreasonably excited about this. Also having my string cheese stick for a little protein/fat. Within about 10 minutes, however, I knew this was not sufficient (empty tummy feeling) so threw in a high-protein granola bar for good measure. I'll probably continue intermittently snacking on my grapes as well and sipping on the Pepsi from earlier. I also snuck in 2 mini-chocolate bars. Surprisingly, I still felt "tummy-empty", like I needed something with some fat it in. I am going to try and sit tight and see if it passes once my sugar levels rise a little.

Dinner (7:30pm)
I did make it until dinner! I know one tough part of the later afternoon is boredom so I have to keep that in check. Dinner was fairly simple: kielbasa and cabbage with a bit of mashed potatoes. I wasn't terribly full but I figured I'd have a snack later

Snacks (9:00pm)
I had a small bowl of ice cream that I shared with the little one. I also ended up having a package of snack cakes, after which I felt really agitated and guilty. I am going to put my reactions to this in a follow-up post because I don't want them to get lost.

Reaction

*trigger alert*

It appears that my mental block remains.

Yesterday, I decided I would "cut out" soda, chocolate, and other sweets. I figured this would help me lose weight fairly quickly, cutting out "empty calories". Most of the day, I perseverated on my food choices. Looking back, I was restricting. And feeling self-righteous. And thin.

Yesterday was also fairly stressful (for various reasons). By the end of the day, I was fairly frazzled. I ended up having what you could call a "mini-binge": 6 mini-chocolate bars, 1 package of Swiss rolls, and an individual ice cream. I am surprised I didn't have a soda as well. While I was eating, I knew it was in reaction to my previously placed restrictions. Part of me wanted to stop and part of me didn't.

I know I am too hard on myself. I know I sometimes use IE as an excuse to restrict or overanalyze my food choices. Labels make me comfortable and restrictions (in any sense) make me feel safe. That "too much" fear coming back again. "Letting go" in any sense is always terrifying, even though I know it would feel so. good.

Journal entry to follow focusing on just eating what sounds good and trying not to worry about the choices. I may need to take a journal break if that doesn't work in order to de-focus a little bit.

International No Diet Day!

See this post for more!

Reality Check

[a brief conversation with my dear husband last night after a mini-workout; still battling a head/chest cold]

Me: Sometimes, I wish I looked the way I did when we first met [7 years ago] but part of me know that's mildy unrealistic.

Husband: (deadpan) It is mildly unrealistic.


I'm over 30, I've given birth. My body is different. It will never be what it used to be, as much as I sometimes wish for that more lithe, pert form. I am a woman now, and a mother. I am a different person with a different body. Sometimes, it feels alien. I guess we are still getting to know each other but I should be more appreciative because, overall, it's been pretty good to me.

Journal Entry

With everything going on lately, I realized I hadn't done an IE journal entry in a while. This has been a bit of a struggle lately, with a lot of emotional stress/trying not to emotionally eat, and feeling physically unwell.

Breakfast (9:30)
Really craving a sweet coffee drink this morning. Rationally, I know these make my sugar levels go a little high but feeling the need for the pick me up this morning because of my head cold. I stop and get a vanilla cappucino on the way to work. Definitely a little on the sweet side. This is a good example of my emotions winning out over my rational mind and knowing what may actually be better for me versus what my mind thinks it wants.
I also had a trail mix granola bar and a few grapes for my meal. Not the greatest breakfast but I have been struggling with breakfast for a while. I need to get more protein in but am unsure how to do this without having eggs. I need to get more creative!

Snack (11:30)
Eating the rest of my grapes. I forgot how much I like them, although I try to be careful not to eat too many (tummyache central)! I also grabbed a string cheese for a little protein. Yum!

Lunch (1:00)
Starving! I have leftover steak and potatoes. Eat it fairly mechanically because I'm hungry and busy at work (no lunch break for me today). Still hungry and feeling a little woozy so have a few cookies from the work stash and open my Pepsi. Feel better within a few minutes. I think it may be related to the Dayquil I'm taking.

Snack (4pm)
Decide on an apple but 1/3 of the way through, realize it's nasty. No taste! Bleh. Feeling disappointed because I really wanted some fruit!
Around 4:45 I got desperate and rummage in my lunch bag. I find a handful of baby carrots and dried cranberries to munch on to help with the fruit cravings.

Dinner (7:45pm)
Pasta salad, very yummy!

Dessert (8:45pm)
My mother-in-law made a cheese-honey pie thing. It was, ehhh. I ate about 2/3 of my piece with a small glass of milk, mainly because I was still hungry! I had a mini-chocolate to finish the day.

Perspective Shift: Appreciation

I gave birth to my (so far!) healthy daughter last June. Around November, I started to experience some hip pain. I figured it was normal, hips readjusting after childbirth and all. It's really amazing what happens to your body during and after pregnancy!

However, the pain started to cycle with my period. And got worse. I am not good at going to the doctor so I kept putting it off. I halfheartedly tried chiropractic and massage but this had little effect. Last month, I finally went to my OB. He tried a few things and made a few outside referrals (orthopedist), but now I am down to a rule-out of endometriosis. I am scheduled to have a laparoscopic procedure in a few weeks to confirm the diagnosis.

This isn't necessarily a really serious diagnosis but it terrifies me. I know it can affect fertility and just make life miserable. My mom has it and she could only have one child. It's funny how a lot of the other "stuff" kind of falls away when your physical health is affected. Your body can do some really amazing things but is also very vulnerable. I could easily be resentful and treat it like the enemy but it's the only one I have.  I am going to try and be more appreciative of it and respectful of it, regardless of the test's outcome.

Food Valuation, and a rant.

The other day, I caught myself thinking it would be better to eat more fruit before eating a "less healthy" snack. I immediately put away the fruit and pulled out the snack I wanted. It's disappointing to me that I still catch myself valuing food in this manner. I guess it's a good sign I am recognizing it and will be a work in progress.

This next section is kind of a personal rant. I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings, just my perspective.

There are a lot of food blogs out there. A lot of them focus on "healthy eating". You will also notice that a lot of these blogs are written by folks who self-disclose a history of disordered eating. They also may talk about being vegan, vegetarian, or whatnot. While I have no problem with any of this in theory, if you look closely you will notice a lot of diet talk hidden within the recipes and pretty meal pictures. White sugar gets demonized and oils are eliminated as much as possible. Strenuous workouts are also reported.

I used to enjoy some of these blogs but the more I read them, the more triggering I found them. I think it's really irresponsible to tout "healthy eating" or whatever but then intermix diet or fat talk and calorie counts, etc. I know these blogs aren't set up to be therapeutic or claim to be user-friendly and aren't intended to be negative but it frustrates me when the writers disclose their disordered histories and are still encouraging calorie cutting or food substitutions. It just seems misleading.

End of rant. :)

Change through staying the same

Yesterday, I had to go to the doctor for some hip pain I've been having. The nurse asked me if I knew my weight. I proudly said, "I have no idea." In all honesty, I have been thinking that I have gained weight recently just by the way my clothes have been fitting. I have been trying to be okay with it.

Well, off to the scale we went. I decided to look because, well, I was curious and thought it would be a good reality check.

Was it ever.

My weight is exactly the same as it was 11 months ago.

I was mildly dumbfounded. Could it really be in my head? Am I really not heavier/fatter/bigger/whatever? Talk about a reality check.

Health at Every Size

First, a side note: Please forgive any intermittent posting in the near future. I have a lot of irons in the fire in my life and am trying to keep up with everything! Unfortunately, blogging takes a back burner on many days.

Health at Every Size

I have had somewhat of a revelation.

I am stronger now than I was when I was thinner.

Monday night,  I did a total of 30 standard pushups. Never in my life have I been able to do "man pushups", as I like to call them. I have always had little weakling bird arms and, when I was thinner, I focused on cardio and thinness rather than strength or endurance. I am now 30 lbs heavier and significantly stronger and with better cardio endurance than I ever had before.

Huh.

It has put me in a little bit of a weird place. I still have my moments of hating my bigger body and wanting to be thinner, but then I have this wonder about the strength of my new body. I am trying to cultivate this into a greater appreciation and love for my curvier frame, but it is a process.

Tonight, I'm gonna do 31 pushups.

Enjoying Working Out

Exercise, body movement, workouts, whatever you want to call it. I always hated the word "exercise". Probably because it always followed "diet".

I have really been enjoying working out lately. Part of this can be attributed to working out with my dear husband; my last two workout classes have been cancelled. It's a great way to spend time together as a couple and I am really enjoying the workouts. My husband used to be in the military so he knows how to get in a good workout!

After the workout, I felt really good. I even felt I was eating more intuitively instead of being anxious about my food choices. I think this is an important insight and a good way to check in if I do start feeling anxious or insecure (when was my last workout?). Even just a few times a week makes a big difference in my mental health.

What activities make you feel good, physically and mentally?

Enjoying Food.

I am making a concerted effort to eat thing I LIKE.

What a concept!

I have always loved food. I like to eat, I snack a lot, and I get excited about food. While I love sweets especially, I can appreciate and crave all kinds of food.

For example, I had a chicken salad for breakfast this morning. And it was good.

I think we don't take enough time to appreciate our food. Often, we are afraid of it: afraid of the calories/carbs/fats/blah blah blah. We are afraid of what people will think (when we eat salad for breakfast).

We need to let it go.

Try to make a concerted effort to pay attention (mindfulness, yay!) when you are eating today.
Does your food taste good?
Does it make you happy?
Was that a yummy noise I heard?
Did you just do the happy food dance?
(yes, I have been known to do the last two)

It makes me happy when my food makes me happy. I know I am nourishing my body and my spirit and feeling no guilt. Don't get me wrong, food happiness is NOT just for salad (it better not be!).

I plan to do a happy food dance with my peanut butter cup after lunch. :)

Assertiveness

I am not good at asking for what I need. Especially when it requires someone else to do something for me. It makes me physically uncomfortable. Here are some of the (stupid) thoughts that go through my head:

I can do it myself.

I feel bad asking.

I know you're... [tired/busy/other imagined state]

I am embarrassed .

I know these are all very silly but asking for what I need makes me feel vulnerable and open to rejection, derision, or dismissal. The funny part is that by not asking for help or being assertive, I end up making life harder for myself and, oftentimes, for the other person. Makes sense. Ha.

It is almost a novel, and scary, concept to imagine being assertive and open with people, asking for exactly what I need, and being okay with their response.

Know Thyself.

(trigger alert: good amount of diet talk and other triggering thoughts I've been having. Please also note these are thoughts about me only and do not necessarily apply to you or any struggles you are having. We are each individuals and different things work for different people.)

I had another deep conversation with the dear husband last night. I talked about my struggles with my trainer, how I opened that Pandora's box during a weak moment, and how I am continuing to struggle with feelings of guilt versus feelings of rebellion. I have this feeling of wanting to be the "perfect student" versus the rebel; I want to exercise effectively every time (or every day) and eat "on plan" and lose weight and "work to my full potential". However, when I think about doing or try to do these things, I get resentful and find myself overeating or not exercising at all, rebelling against all the ideas I know aren't good for me.

Obviously, neither of these extremes are healthy. There is a healthy middle place where I can move my body in a healthy way, for the goal of health, and eat intuitively but treat myself gently in more fragile moments. As I told my husband, "I just want to live my life," instead of feeling captive by disordered thoughts.

I need to understand that, even if I want to be the model workout and diet person and follow a meal plan, I simply can't. I have an eating disorder and I know that it's not healthy for me to be strict about my eating or really think too much about it at all. I also know I can only exercise when my body feels up to it instead of trying to fit myself in to a set schedule. There are parts of me that still need a lot of healing and may never fit back together the way they started. I need to give myself permission to be okay, not be okay, and just be, sometimes.

Judgement

How often do you judge your body in a negative way?

How often do you judge other people, either physically or otherwise?

For me, the answer to these two questions is the same: all the time.

I always remember the old adage about how we judge most in others what we loathe most in ourselves. This blog post from Fitwoman really spoke to me in this regard.

Self-care or Self-Sabotage?

(profanity alert)


Shit.

My trainer called me this morning.

Trainer: "I just wanted to check on how your nutrition is going."

(internal panic)

Me: "Oh, fine, much better. Doing great!"

Trainer: "Okay. Just let me know if you have questions. Your workouts are great but your nutrition is really important as well."

Me: "Oh yeah, absolutely. I am doing fine!"

LIES.

I don't think he believed me either.

At first, I was really angry. I already disclosed my history (although in general) to him and thought he would back off. Then, I thought about it and realized he was right. My eating sucks lately. I ate large bowls of ice cream twice a day all weekend. I know I did it primarily because I was feeling physically unwell and emotionally fragile (comfort eating!). My eating has not been healthy and has not been intuitive. I need to go back and read this post on feeling deprived by Christie Inge. It's like, as soon as I start trying to clean up my eating, I feel resentful and rebel, damn the consequences. We all know how well that cycle works.

I have some thinking to do.

IE Trigger-Busters and other tips

I am still going strong with IE these days. I love the feeling of not perseverating on my food choice and feeling good about what I'm eating. Self-care and self-appreciation/increased confidence is still a work in progress but I am trying to be alert to this.

One challenge I face regularly with IE is the fact that, because of my work schedule, I eat most of my meals away from home. I find this difficult because my food choices have to be preplanned, I eat in front of others and may have to listen to their food issues, and almost anything purchased (fast food, vending machine item) lists nutrition facts. I am going to make a little "trigger buster" list of things I've found helpful in dealing with away-from-home IE:

IE Trigger Busters

1. Having to plan to eat away from home: I have a large lunch bag and also a snack drawer at work. This helps with keeping a good variety of options on hand. I also give myself permission to go out for lunch or buy a snack if I have a specific strong craving or really don't like my premade choices.
2. Eating in front of others: This can be embarrassing. People tend to be curious (nosy) and comment on my food options. I try to have a sense of humor about this and/or ignore them as best I can. I just focus on the fact that I like my food choice and am enjoying it. It's not their food!
3. Hearing triggering talk: This is a regular struggle for me. I work with a lot of women so it can be hard to avoid diet/fat talk. I am not terribly comfortable with challenging this (working on it!) so I typically disengage from the conversation at this point to protect myself and nonverbally communicate I'm not interesting in participating in such a group conversation. I also try to remind myself that it is someone else's issue to deal with, not mine.
4. Nutrition information: I HATE that almost any food has the nutrition information listed boldly on the package. I understand that some people appreciate this but I find it extremely triggering and guilt-inducing. Particularly with sweets, I have started ripping off the packaging with the nutrition facts and throwing it away without looking at it. This has been really helpful for me in eliminating food guilt and enjoying my snack.

Journal Entry: Self care

I woke up in a pretty good place this morning. I am trying to focus more on loving myself (see previous post) and it's amazing how good it feels. The challenge will be keeping it up! I am going to try a new item called "Things I Am Loving About Me" at the end of every post (look for it today!).

To start with, I picked an outfit that made me feel pretty and comfortable: a navy, ruched, v-neck shirt, tobacco brown cargo pants with a drawstring, elastic-y waist, and my favorite bronze flats. I left my hair down and am growing it out, loving the feminine feeling it gives me. My nails still look great from my gel manicure, yay! Okay, on to the food:

Breakfast (9:45am)
Got to work late due to a traffic jam and am starving! Instant oatmeal with pineapple (a new discovery, yum!) and Irish Breafkast tea with cream and sugar. I would love non-instant oatmeal but this is just easier at work. Yummy breakfast overall.

Snack (11:30am)
Since I have the gym tonight, I try and eat my lunch a little later. Not entirely intuitive but I'm not exactly hungry for lunch yet anyway. I had planned a yogurt for my morning snack but am wanting something carby (yay, PMS). Decide on a dark chocolate and nut granola bar. Nom Nom Nom. Still drinking my tea as well.

Lunch (12:40pm)
Well, rats. My gym class was cancelled for tonight. I'll go to the work gym later this afternoon instead. Yay for flexibility! Getting hungry for lunch. PB&J sandwich on whole wheat, carrots with honey mustard to dip. Two cinnamon graham crackers for dessert made a tasty yet light lunch! I finished off with a cup of green tea.

Pre-workout snack (2:30pm)
Wow, I just realized how long it's been since lunch, great! (I know 2 hours doesn't seem like much but with hypoglycemia and small meals, this is a great amount of time for me.) Feeling a little peckish and going to exercise at 3, so I grab an apple to keep my sugar up until post-workout. Pink Lady, yum!

Post-workout snack (4pm)
(No, I didn't work out for 1.5 hours. 20-30 minutes is my average on non-boot camp days.) Since I did a pretty strenuous workout, I am thinking a protein bar will be a good choice (yay, I know) but first an orange is sounding good to rehydrate a little bit. The, well, technically it's a tangerine, really hit the spot. I also ate my protein bar to refuel and finished my green tea.

Dinner (7:15pm)
Dinner was kind of a bust because most of it got overcooked (not my doing!). I ate about half a pork chop and a little bit of angel hair and roasted brussel sprouts. Definitely not full. Bleh.

Snack (8pm)
I had a small bowl of heath ice cream that was mediocre. About an hour later I was still hungry and had a snickerdoodle cookie with a thin layer of peanut butter and a small glass of milk. THIS was satisfying.

Besides the dinner, I really enjoyed my eating today!

Love.

You love your children.
You love your relatives.
You love your significant other.
You love your pets.

Do you love yourself?

Huh.

No.

You criticize.
You berate.
You abuse.
You neglect.
You hate.

You are not good enough.
You are not small enough.
You are not toned enough.
You are not feminine enough.
You are not enough.

ENOUGH.

What would happen if you tried something different?

What would happen if you only said nice things to yourself?
Appreciated your body?
Remembered and followed through with self care?

What would happen if you said, "I love you," to you?

Journal Entry: New Focus

This is a follow-up to yesterday's post

Breakfast (9:30am)
I toast my English muffin and put the butter on it. Normally I would just eat it untoasted so taking the time to do this really feels nice. Plus, it tastes a lot better! I also have a cup of green tea, which I really enjoy. I don't feel "full" after this meal but decide to wait. I want to try and really focus on my hunger today instead of just following a planned menu or schedule.

Lunch (11:20am)
Feeling noticeably hungry. I decide to go ahead and have my lunch instead of a snack. Leftover takeout chicken burrito with black beans and a little Spanish rice. YUM. Water as beverage.

Afternoon tea (12:45pm)
Hmm, my tummy is not happy after lunch. I am thinking it may have been the spices or the beans. Bleh. I decide on a cup of mint chamomile tea, which always tends to settle my tummy.

Besides the mild tummy ache, I am feeling good today. This could be from the foods I am choosing or just the simple fact of feeling like I am trying to take good care of myself.

Snack (2pm)
Hungry again. I started getting hungry about 15 mins ago but waited to "make sure". The afternoons are definitely my toughest times for overeating. After dithering for a while, I decide to start with my cashews. I figure I may have a piece of fruit later as well. I decided to also throw in a few almonds and ate until I was full (maybe a cup or so of nuts total).

Late snack (4pm)
Feeling pretty hungry. I have my workout class tonight and will not eat dinner until late so I give in and decide to have my protein bar. In the future, I will have to pack a "second lunch" on my late workout days I think.

Later snack (5:15pm)
Ugh. My tummy feels icky again and I am still mildly hungry. I decide on a fruit and nut granola bar as a last minute snack before I leave for the gym (workout at 6:30). I also have another cup of green tea, hoping for an afternoon perk.

Dinner (7:30ish)
Chicken with parmesan noodles and applesauce. I would have also like a green vegetable but I didn't cook! It was a satisfying dinner and I even had seconds! I try to start with small portions and then get extra if I am still hungry to avoid wasting or feeling like I need to eat everything I have on my plate. I wanted some dessert later but just didn't have the opportunity. I didn't feel overly hungry so I was okay with it.

I struggled a little bit with not feeling guilty about eating too much but overall was happy with my choices for the day.

Processing.

I had a mini breakdown last night. I had a long discussion with my husband about my eating habits and perseverating over whether or not to follow my "meal plan". I don't like a lot of the foods on it and the protein bars just make me feel ill and like I am consuming a lot of artificial ickiness. I ended up confessing that, anymore, I don't even know when I'm hungry and that I'm eating a lot when I'm bored or upset. I also discussed that a lot of my typical go-to stress foods don't even appeal to me anymore; I still go to them because it's like I need to know that I can/am not depriving myself. I told him that I just want to be healthy and eat healthfully more than anything else.

Phew.

My dear husband actually helped me make my lunch last night after I told him I wasn't even sure what to take or how much. We packed the following:

Whole wheat English muffin
Butter
Cashews
Leftover burrito, black beans, and Spanish rice
Apple
Green tea
Carrots

I also have my whole snack drawer so will use that as necessary. I know I need to focus more heavily on using IE but also focus on food choices that make me feel good, physically and emotionally (no hangover, no guilt). Journal entry to follow!

Self disclosure

As you know, my trainer recently gave me a meal plan to follow. I have, uh, not been following it. I try to use it as a guideline but often I just don't pay attention to it because I just can't. I asked him recently about how to increase my endurance and, in addition to some exercise recommendations, he reiterated the importance of nutrition and the meal plan.

Hm.

I decided to tell him about my history. I decided this made sense because I don't want him to think I am trying to be noncompliant or lazy and I think it's important considering the continued discussions about my eating habits. I am hoping he will be understanding or have some alternate recommendations (I'll keep you updated).

How do you feel about self disclosure of a disordered eating history? I am really hesitant to talk to people about it; partly because I think it's none of their business and I'm a private person and partly because I am embarrassed.

Journal Entry: No plan

Well, that didn't last long.

Obviously, last week was totally disorganized. We had takeout for most meals and there was no scheduled eating times. I had no interest in following my meal plan and I continue to have no interest in restarting it at this point. I have not been eating intuitively at all but am being gentle with myself in understanding the reasons. Some days, you just do the best you can. My self care has suffered in my attempt to care for everyone else and I am trying to get back to taking care of me. I always say, you can't take care of anyone else if you're not caring for yourself. In this vein, I skipped the gym on Monday, instead choosing to have a leisurely trip to Target and a semi-quiet evening.

I have been trying to eat what I want, when I want without much thought. This worked for the most part, beyond some expected comfort eating. Today I am going to continue being gentle with myself but will keep track and see how it goes.

Breakfast (9:30)
Wheat english muffin with creamy peanut butter. This is a "plan" breakfast and was easy to throw together. I also had about half an apple because I was still hungry and thought I should have some fruit. Sadly, the "shoulding" made the apple less enjoyable. I also had a cup of black tea with cream and sugar.

Morning snack (11:20)
God, this "plan" crap has really messed with me. I am trying really hard not to think about what the plan calls for and just what sounds good. I decide on my whipped lime yogurt. Good although a little sugary. I have mixed feeling on yogurt. I also decide to have a few almonds. I have one and start feeling depressed. This is such a "diet" snack I can't stand it. I actually throw away the last 1/4 of yogurt.

Lunch (12:30)
Leftover baked ziti. Yummy!

Afternoon (2pm)
On impulse I grabbed a heath bar while running errands. Yummy! I also ate a handful of chocolate covered pretzels (a planned purchase).
(4pm) Finished bag of pretzels, primarily out of emotional response. Feeling guilty but trying to again be gentle with myself and understand that the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing can't easily be dealt with at work.

The rest of the day kind of spiraled downward. I felt like I binged on sweets and didn't take care of myself. I was really surprised I didn't end up with a stomach ache! I think I struggle with feelings of scarcity but when sweets are around, I want to eat them all so they are gone. Rational. I may try my loose "planning" again because I felt physically well when doing it and my trainer reinforces to me that my nutrition will affect my workouts. Considering I really struggled with this evening's workout, I am apt to believe him. I have not disclosed my ED history with him and am not sure if I will or want to. It probably depends on how much he pushes the issue. May be something to process..