Well, that didn't last long.
Obviously, last week was totally disorganized. We had takeout for most meals and there was no scheduled eating times. I had no interest in following my meal plan and I continue to have no interest in restarting it at this point. I have not been eating intuitively at all but am being gentle with myself in understanding the reasons. Some days, you just do the best you can. My self care has suffered in my attempt to care for everyone else and I am trying to get back to taking care of me. I always say, you can't take care of anyone else if you're not caring for yourself. In this vein, I skipped the gym on Monday, instead choosing to have a leisurely trip to Target and a semi-quiet evening.
I have been trying to eat what I want, when I want without much thought. This worked for the most part, beyond some expected comfort eating. Today I am going to continue being gentle with myself but will keep track and see how it goes.
Wheat english muffin with creamy peanut butter. This is a "plan" breakfast and was easy to throw together. I also had about half an apple because I was still hungry and thought I should have some fruit. Sadly, the "shoulding" made the apple less enjoyable. I also had a cup of black tea with cream and sugar.
Morning snack (11:20)
God, this "plan" crap has really messed with me. I am trying really hard not to think about what the plan calls for and just what sounds good. I decide on my whipped lime yogurt. Good although a little sugary. I have mixed feeling on yogurt. I also decide to have a few almonds. I have one and start feeling depressed. This is such a "diet" snack I can't stand it. I actually throw away the last 1/4 of yogurt.
Leftover baked ziti. Yummy!
On impulse I grabbed a heath bar while running errands. Yummy! I also ate a handful of chocolate covered pretzels (a planned purchase).
(4pm) Finished bag of pretzels, primarily out of emotional response. Feeling guilty but trying to again be gentle with myself and understand that the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing can't easily be dealt with at work.
The rest of the day kind of spiraled downward. I felt like I binged on sweets and didn't take care of myself. I was really surprised I didn't end up with a stomach ache! I think I struggle with feelings of scarcity but when sweets are around, I want to eat them all so they are gone. Rational. I may try my loose "planning" again because I felt physically well when doing it and my trainer reinforces to me that my nutrition will affect my workouts. Considering I really struggled with this evening's workout, I am apt to believe him. I have not disclosed my ED history with him and am not sure if I will or want to. It probably depends on how much he pushes the issue. May be something to process..