(trigger alert: good amount of diet talk and other triggering thoughts I've been having. Please also note these are thoughts about me only and do not necessarily apply to you or any struggles you are having. We are each individuals and different things work for different people.)
I had another deep conversation with the dear husband last night. I talked about my struggles with my trainer, how I opened that Pandora's box during a weak moment, and how I am continuing to struggle with feelings of guilt versus feelings of rebellion. I have this feeling of wanting to be the "perfect student" versus the rebel; I want to exercise effectively every time (or every day) and eat "on plan" and lose weight and "work to my full potential". However, when I think about doing or try to do these things, I get resentful and find myself overeating or not exercising at all, rebelling against all the ideas I know aren't good for me.
Obviously, neither of these extremes are healthy. There is a healthy middle place where I can move my body in a healthy way, for the goal of health, and eat intuitively but treat myself gently in more fragile moments. As I told my husband, "I just want to live my life," instead of feeling captive by disordered thoughts.
I need to understand that, even if I want to be the model workout and diet person and follow a meal plan, I simply can't. I have an eating disorder and I know that it's not healthy for me to be strict about my eating or really think too much about it at all. I also know I can only exercise when my body feels up to it instead of trying to fit myself in to a set schedule. There are parts of me that still need a lot of healing and may never fit back together the way they started. I need to give myself permission to be okay, not be okay, and just be, sometimes.