Monday, August 13, 2012

Eating freely: a journal entry

warning: this post may be disturbing or triggering for some folks. Heck, I might find it weird or triggering myself!

Today, I am working on just letting myself eat what I crave and not focusing too heavily on the cognitive aspects that can make me obsessive. This is going to be a purely emotional, gut-driven day.

Arrive at work, VERY hungry. We have free bagels and cream cheese every other Friday so I partake in an onion bagel with garden veggie cream cheese and a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. The bagel is just okay; I should have toasted it but was being impatient. I eat it all primarily because I am hungry.

I am not really hungry but not full either. I remember I have a chocolate snack cake and decide I want to eat it, primarily just "because I can". I think this is kind of an exploration of "naughty" behavior. I actually greatly enjoy it, taking the time to eat it mindfully (I am notorious for eating while doing other things). Yum! I definitely still feel a little "naughty" and rebellious but am happy I did it.

I realize I don't want anymore of my coffee. I have had about 2/3 of it and just dump the rest.

Realize I'm hungry. I feel like this is a little early considering my morning eating but I trust my gut and go ahead and have lunch. I have a leftover pork chop, parmesan noodles, and applesauce. I love leftovers for lunch. For dessert, I have some swedish fish candies and open my Pepsi. I have a little feeling in the back of my mind that I'm not really hungry or that I don't "need" these things but I am honoring first cravings today. I feel like I need to work through these things and let my body understand that I will always feed it when it's hungry or care for it asking for something, even if that's a little off mark from where I am now.

I am realizing that my "treat" was not terribly satisfying. I think there is a really fine line, for me, between choosing to eat what makes me feel good and not feeling deprived from items I don't want to restrict or eliminate.

Headed down to the gym for a quick jog.

Feeling a little hungry but my stomach also hurts a little. I make a cup of hot tea with a touch of cream and sugar. I am having carby cravings. Even though it seems weird to me, I grab another bagel to munch on (half blueberry, half cinnamon raisin, technically). Comforting snack. I also decided to finish off my candy. It seemed I did this more so because it was there than any sort of craving. Frustrating, to say the least. It's almost like I have to eat it if it's there; I am thinking the old fear of deprivation/restriction is still hiding in there.

Dinner. Ravioli planned. Not terribly excited or hungry, so I eat a bit of it.

Dear husband made a cake and offers me some with a bit of ice cream. While I am not totally wanting it, I eat it anyway (even while I'm eating it, I think this is stupid). I totally don't enjoy it and eat it fairly mechanically.

Later in the evening, I have extreme feelings of anxiety and urges to restrict/diet. I process these feelings with dear husband and decide I need to really push through this.

Update: I have cake for breakfast the next morning, totally unapologetically. I also have dessert after every meal. The next day, I have one small dessert after dinner and feel satisfied. Hmm.

1 comment:

  1. I think you just posted a powerful exercise to go through. It really helps you go back and evaluate what went right. I find it really helpful to track my hunger/satiety levels, as opposed to my actual food intake. But, everyone is different. Blessings!