Avoidance

Well, hi there.

I didn't realize I could be avoidant. Normally, I am not a head-in-the-sand kind of person. At least, I thought I wasn't.

As I've mentioned before, life has been pretty crazy lately. When this happens, I tend to back-burner myself and not focus on my own needs. And, like most people, I revert back to bad habits. This includes restriction and diet mentality. I tried to "give up" sweets again because I felt like I was overeating them (probably true due to emotional/stress eating).

The other night, I had a really strong craving for cake. I was physically hungry and really wanted cake, which we had in the house. However, I was avoiding (see: restricting) sweets so I tried to make do with a bowl of cereal. It sated the hunger but I felt totally dissatisfied and was in a crabby mood the rest of the evening. I became even more frustrated that I was spending so much time perseverating about freaking cake! I feel like there are so many more important things I could be focusing on and enjoying instead of ruining my night talking and thinking about dessert. I haven't wanted to look at my feelings and sit with them but I also haven't wanted to take care of myself. I "feel fat" and like a failure.

Hiding is much easier and avoidance keeps away the uncomfortable feelings. It's much easier to focus on food and weight than possible job loss and family stress. My poor husband has been so sad for me that I'm in a bad place, practically and emotionally. I feel like I'm stuck in a tar pit and, to some degree, am comfortable there. I am not sure why it's so scary to think about just allowing myself to be happy and fabulous. Outside the box is a terrifying place.

I am hoping to get through the next week or so, when a lot of my external stressors should resolve to some degree. I need to give myself a break, move my body more in a positive manner and not worry so much about my eating habits.