You love your children.
You love your relatives.
You love your significant other.
You love your pets.
Do you love yourself?
Huh.
No.
You criticize.
You berate.
You abuse.
You neglect.
You hate.
You are not good enough.
You are not small enough.
You are not toned enough.
You are not feminine enough.
You are not enough.
ENOUGH.
What would happen if you tried something different?
What would happen if you only said nice things to yourself?
Appreciated your body?
Remembered and followed through with self care?
What would happen if you said, "I love you," to you?
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Journal Entry: New Focus
This is a follow-up to yesterday's post
Breakfast (9:30am)
I toast my English muffin and put the butter on it. Normally I would just eat it untoasted so taking the time to do this really feels nice. Plus, it tastes a lot better! I also have a cup of green tea, which I really enjoy. I don't feel "full" after this meal but decide to wait. I want to try and really focus on my hunger today instead of just following a planned menu or schedule.
Lunch (11:20am)
Feeling noticeably hungry. I decide to go ahead and have my lunch instead of a snack. Leftover takeout chicken burrito with black beans and a little Spanish rice. YUM. Water as beverage.
Afternoon tea (12:45pm)
Hmm, my tummy is not happy after lunch. I am thinking it may have been the spices or the beans. Bleh. I decide on a cup of mint chamomile tea, which always tends to settle my tummy.
Besides the mild tummy ache, I am feeling good today. This could be from the foods I am choosing or just the simple fact of feeling like I am trying to take good care of myself.
Snack (2pm)
Hungry again. I started getting hungry about 15 mins ago but waited to "make sure". The afternoons are definitely my toughest times for overeating. After dithering for a while, I decide to start with my cashews. I figure I may have a piece of fruit later as well. I decided to also throw in a few almonds and ate until I was full (maybe a cup or so of nuts total).
Late snack (4pm)
Feeling pretty hungry. I have my workout class tonight and will not eat dinner until late so I give in and decide to have my protein bar. In the future, I will have to pack a "second lunch" on my late workout days I think.
Later snack (5:15pm)
Ugh. My tummy feels icky again and I am still mildly hungry. I decide on a fruit and nut granola bar as a last minute snack before I leave for the gym (workout at 6:30). I also have another cup of green tea, hoping for an afternoon perk.
Dinner (7:30ish)
Chicken with parmesan noodles and applesauce. I would have also like a green vegetable but I didn't cook! It was a satisfying dinner and I even had seconds! I try to start with small portions and then get extra if I am still hungry to avoid wasting or feeling like I need to eat everything I have on my plate. I wanted some dessert later but just didn't have the opportunity. I didn't feel overly hungry so I was okay with it.
I struggled a little bit with not feeling guilty about eating too much but overall was happy with my choices for the day.
Breakfast (9:30am)
I toast my English muffin and put the butter on it. Normally I would just eat it untoasted so taking the time to do this really feels nice. Plus, it tastes a lot better! I also have a cup of green tea, which I really enjoy. I don't feel "full" after this meal but decide to wait. I want to try and really focus on my hunger today instead of just following a planned menu or schedule.
Lunch (11:20am)
Feeling noticeably hungry. I decide to go ahead and have my lunch instead of a snack. Leftover takeout chicken burrito with black beans and a little Spanish rice. YUM. Water as beverage.
Afternoon tea (12:45pm)
Hmm, my tummy is not happy after lunch. I am thinking it may have been the spices or the beans. Bleh. I decide on a cup of mint chamomile tea, which always tends to settle my tummy.
Besides the mild tummy ache, I am feeling good today. This could be from the foods I am choosing or just the simple fact of feeling like I am trying to take good care of myself.
Snack (2pm)
Hungry again. I started getting hungry about 15 mins ago but waited to "make sure". The afternoons are definitely my toughest times for overeating. After dithering for a while, I decide to start with my cashews. I figure I may have a piece of fruit later as well. I decided to also throw in a few almonds and ate until I was full (maybe a cup or so of nuts total).
Late snack (4pm)
Feeling pretty hungry. I have my workout class tonight and will not eat dinner until late so I give in and decide to have my protein bar. In the future, I will have to pack a "second lunch" on my late workout days I think.
Later snack (5:15pm)
Ugh. My tummy feels icky again and I am still mildly hungry. I decide on a fruit and nut granola bar as a last minute snack before I leave for the gym (workout at 6:30). I also have another cup of green tea, hoping for an afternoon perk.
Dinner (7:30ish)
Chicken with parmesan noodles and applesauce. I would have also like a green vegetable but I didn't cook! It was a satisfying dinner and I even had seconds! I try to start with small portions and then get extra if I am still hungry to avoid wasting or feeling like I need to eat everything I have on my plate. I wanted some dessert later but just didn't have the opportunity. I didn't feel overly hungry so I was okay with it.
I struggled a little bit with not feeling guilty about eating too much but overall was happy with my choices for the day.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Processing.
I had a mini breakdown last night. I had a long discussion with my husband about my eating habits and perseverating over whether or not to follow my "meal plan". I don't like a lot of the foods on it and the protein bars just make me feel ill and like I am consuming a lot of artificial ickiness. I ended up confessing that, anymore, I don't even know when I'm hungry and that I'm eating a lot when I'm bored or upset. I also discussed that a lot of my typical go-to stress foods don't even appeal to me anymore; I still go to them because it's like I need to know that I can/am not depriving myself. I told him that I just want to be healthy and eat healthfully more than anything else.
Phew.
My dear husband actually helped me make my lunch last night after I told him I wasn't even sure what to take or how much. We packed the following:
Whole wheat English muffin
Butter
Cashews
Leftover burrito, black beans, and Spanish rice
Apple
Green tea
Carrots
I also have my whole snack drawer so will use that as necessary. I know I need to focus more heavily on using IE but also focus on food choices that make me feel good, physically and emotionally (no hangover, no guilt). Journal entry to follow!
Phew.
My dear husband actually helped me make my lunch last night after I told him I wasn't even sure what to take or how much. We packed the following:
Whole wheat English muffin
Butter
Cashews
Leftover burrito, black beans, and Spanish rice
Apple
Green tea
Carrots
I also have my whole snack drawer so will use that as necessary. I know I need to focus more heavily on using IE but also focus on food choices that make me feel good, physically and emotionally (no hangover, no guilt). Journal entry to follow!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Self disclosure
As you know, my trainer recently gave me a meal plan to follow. I have, uh, not been following it. I try to use it as a guideline but often I just don't pay attention to it because I just can't. I asked him recently about how to increase my endurance and, in addition to some exercise recommendations, he reiterated the importance of nutrition and the meal plan.
Hm.
I decided to tell him about my history. I decided this made sense because I don't want him to think I am trying to be noncompliant or lazy and I think it's important considering the continued discussions about my eating habits. I am hoping he will be understanding or have some alternate recommendations (I'll keep you updated).
How do you feel about self disclosure of a disordered eating history? I am really hesitant to talk to people about it; partly because I think it's none of their business and I'm a private person and partly because I am embarrassed.
Hm.
I decided to tell him about my history. I decided this made sense because I don't want him to think I am trying to be noncompliant or lazy and I think it's important considering the continued discussions about my eating habits. I am hoping he will be understanding or have some alternate recommendations (I'll keep you updated).
How do you feel about self disclosure of a disordered eating history? I am really hesitant to talk to people about it; partly because I think it's none of their business and I'm a private person and partly because I am embarrassed.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Journal Entry: No plan
Well, that didn't last long.
Obviously, last week was totally disorganized. We had takeout for most meals and there was no scheduled eating times. I had no interest in following my meal plan and I continue to have no interest in restarting it at this point. I have not been eating intuitively at all but am being gentle with myself in understanding the reasons. Some days, you just do the best you can. My self care has suffered in my attempt to care for everyone else and I am trying to get back to taking care of me. I always say, you can't take care of anyone else if you're not caring for yourself. In this vein, I skipped the gym on Monday, instead choosing to have a leisurely trip to Target and a semi-quiet evening.
I have been trying to eat what I want, when I want without much thought. This worked for the most part, beyond some expected comfort eating. Today I am going to continue being gentle with myself but will keep track and see how it goes.
Breakfast (9:30)
Wheat english muffin with creamy peanut butter. This is a "plan" breakfast and was easy to throw together. I also had about half an apple because I was still hungry and thought I should have some fruit. Sadly, the "shoulding" made the apple less enjoyable. I also had a cup of black tea with cream and sugar.
Morning snack (11:20)
God, this "plan" crap has really messed with me. I am trying really hard not to think about what the plan calls for and just what sounds good. I decide on my whipped lime yogurt. Good although a little sugary. I have mixed feeling on yogurt. I also decide to have a few almonds. I have one and start feeling depressed. This is such a "diet" snack I can't stand it. I actually throw away the last 1/4 of yogurt.
Lunch (12:30)
Leftover baked ziti. Yummy!
Afternoon (2pm)
On impulse I grabbed a heath bar while running errands. Yummy! I also ate a handful of chocolate covered pretzels (a planned purchase).
(4pm) Finished bag of pretzels, primarily out of emotional response. Feeling guilty but trying to again be gentle with myself and understand that the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing can't easily be dealt with at work.
The rest of the day kind of spiraled downward. I felt like I binged on sweets and didn't take care of myself. I was really surprised I didn't end up with a stomach ache! I think I struggle with feelings of scarcity but when sweets are around, I want to eat them all so they are gone. Rational. I may try my loose "planning" again because I felt physically well when doing it and my trainer reinforces to me that my nutrition will affect my workouts. Considering I really struggled with this evening's workout, I am apt to believe him. I have not disclosed my ED history with him and am not sure if I will or want to. It probably depends on how much he pushes the issue. May be something to process..
Obviously, last week was totally disorganized. We had takeout for most meals and there was no scheduled eating times. I had no interest in following my meal plan and I continue to have no interest in restarting it at this point. I have not been eating intuitively at all but am being gentle with myself in understanding the reasons. Some days, you just do the best you can. My self care has suffered in my attempt to care for everyone else and I am trying to get back to taking care of me. I always say, you can't take care of anyone else if you're not caring for yourself. In this vein, I skipped the gym on Monday, instead choosing to have a leisurely trip to Target and a semi-quiet evening.
I have been trying to eat what I want, when I want without much thought. This worked for the most part, beyond some expected comfort eating. Today I am going to continue being gentle with myself but will keep track and see how it goes.
Breakfast (9:30)
Wheat english muffin with creamy peanut butter. This is a "plan" breakfast and was easy to throw together. I also had about half an apple because I was still hungry and thought I should have some fruit. Sadly, the "shoulding" made the apple less enjoyable. I also had a cup of black tea with cream and sugar.
Morning snack (11:20)
God, this "plan" crap has really messed with me. I am trying really hard not to think about what the plan calls for and just what sounds good. I decide on my whipped lime yogurt. Good although a little sugary. I have mixed feeling on yogurt. I also decide to have a few almonds. I have one and start feeling depressed. This is such a "diet" snack I can't stand it. I actually throw away the last 1/4 of yogurt.
Lunch (12:30)
Leftover baked ziti. Yummy!
Afternoon (2pm)
On impulse I grabbed a heath bar while running errands. Yummy! I also ate a handful of chocolate covered pretzels (a planned purchase).
(4pm) Finished bag of pretzels, primarily out of emotional response. Feeling guilty but trying to again be gentle with myself and understand that the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing can't easily be dealt with at work.
The rest of the day kind of spiraled downward. I felt like I binged on sweets and didn't take care of myself. I was really surprised I didn't end up with a stomach ache! I think I struggle with feelings of scarcity but when sweets are around, I want to eat them all so they are gone. Rational. I may try my loose "planning" again because I felt physically well when doing it and my trainer reinforces to me that my nutrition will affect my workouts. Considering I really struggled with this evening's workout, I am apt to believe him. I have not disclosed my ED history with him and am not sure if I will or want to. It probably depends on how much he pushes the issue. May be something to process..
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Letting go
"I didn’t stand in my belly’s way. I let it go be itself."
I am loving this quote from Eat the Damn Cake today. I am actually considering getting a tattoo that says "Let go" just to regularly remind myself to do just that.
This applies to more than just eating and weight. As I've discussed before, I restrain myself in my self-expression all the time. Don't wear that, it's not work appropriate. Your parents won't like your hair like that. That costs too much. That isn't practical.
Depressing.
Instead, I am going to try hard to let go of a lot of this fear and restraint. The only person I need to make happy is ME.
I am loving this quote from Eat the Damn Cake today. I am actually considering getting a tattoo that says "Let go" just to regularly remind myself to do just that.
This applies to more than just eating and weight. As I've discussed before, I restrain myself in my self-expression all the time. Don't wear that, it's not work appropriate. Your parents won't like your hair like that. That costs too much. That isn't practical.
Depressing.
Instead, I am going to try hard to let go of a lot of this fear and restraint. The only person I need to make happy is ME.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Please bear with me.
Please excuse any lack of posts in the near future. My father-in-law passed away on Tuesday, February 28th. Our family is still dealing with this loss and I am devoting all my energy to them at this time. I will get back to posting as soon as I am able.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)