Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Inside the box

I received a comment on my last post about how I seem to be restricting myself with labels and rules.

I was surprised at how hard this hit me.

I don't just do this with eating. I feel the need to label everything in my life. My hairstyle, clothing style, personality. This can be extremely difficult, if not ridiculous. My hairstyle changes regularly. My clothing style varies depending on my mood, and my personality is, as my husband puts it, turbulent. None of these things can be or should be stuffed in a tiny box despite my desire to do so.

I will admit something I was trying very hard not to.

I am desperate to lose weight. As I have mentioned previously, that is really what is behind my "challenges". I am not trying to make myself better. I am trying to make myself smaller (the easier to fit in the box, my dear).

Why am I trying so hard to do this?

What would it mean not to?

The thought is terrifying. I am comfortable in my boxes, even if they pinch or make it hard to breathe sometimes.

I'm afraid of being too much.

Too loud.
Too pretty.
Too successful.
Too intense.
Too fat.

(now "too" looks all weird)

I can't just let myself "be". I spend so much time trying to "fix" things that I never enjoy anything.

I need a hobby that is not "self-improvement" but I do need to take care of myself.
I need to let myself be myself.
I need to eat and not obsess about everything I put in my mouth.
I need to move my body in a loving way.
I need to appreciate today.

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