Monday, February 20, 2012

Not listening

(trigger alert: This post is somewhat of an emotional purge for me but this feels like a safe place for me to do it. Please skip if you are feeling fragile.)

Last night, I was eating ice cream. I realized after the fact that my mind was screaming at me the whole time I was eating. But I was not listening. Here's a little stream of consciousness of my experience:

Hmm, this is kind of good. The ice cream is kind of grainy though. There isn't much Reese's cup in it and what is there tastes kind of waxy. Why am I eating this? Tomorrow, I won't eat any sweets so I need to eat it ALL NOW. That way it won't be there tomorrow. I need to eat all the sweets so they won't be there when I start eating better tomorrow. Why do I feel so frantic? I don't even want this. Why can't I throw it away and not think about it? I want to eat this and enjoy it and feel happy. I feel guilty eating this and I am not even enjoying it. Oh. It's gone now.

This was and is extremely depressing. I feel like I am stuck in this binge/restrict cycle. I know why. I started a new exercise class about 2 weeks ago. I am really enjoying it but I have a really unrealistic expectation of instant results. The teacher also does nutritional counseling and I asked him for the information. I think this may have been a mistake because now I am in pre-diet mode: "Must eat all good things because they will be off-limits tomorrow!" Hell, I don't even know what the information looks like yet and I'm already triggered. I really just want to be strong and healthy and not eat emotionally, still enjoy my food and not restrict. I don't trust my body to tell me what it wants and I hate this feeling of body-mind conflict. I am one being. I am not a brain and the shell that houses it. I feel very confused, very anxious, and very unhappy. I want to ignore it all and just be okay but I know I will probably live with a lot of this for my whole life.

I am still trying to find my happy medium. I think I am going to try and journal today and see how that goes. I'll also keep you updated on my workout class and the nutritional counseling, which I think could either be helpful or extremely triggering. Dear Husband is aware I am receiving it so I'll probably talk to him about it some as well.

Thanks for listening.

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